Life and living

The realisation that to live life to the fullest... is to get into ones deepest core priorities has touched me. I want to find joy in God - not joy in eating. I want to find fullness in laughter and in positivity and spirit, not in junk food. I want to get a high, from being sociable and feeling light - not from sugar to escape the numbness and low emotions and points of life.  I'm off work and uni for the next two weeks so it's going to enable me to have so much time on my hands and so little time to THINK and STRESS and really disconnect without having to be somewhere or do something. I got starving tonight and albeit I had chips and choccie for dinner. An awful combo because I drove past the shops starving and not wanting to cook... I ate so great the rest of the day mind you... and then had a sweet potato to top off the dinner which I forgot I cooked before work to have when I got home. It was meant to be my dinner and would have done the trick but never mind. I'm feeling positive about the first part of my days - and at least I'm getting half way there and growing more confident about that. I'm so exhausted with life, work and not having enough fun - hoping it will come to be but realising that I need to go to it. Going to try and catch up with uni friends if I can and get to know them better... and maybe hunt down a more teenage church where I can build some more friendships.  I could write list full's of what I could do..... but implementing them is the trick and not taking two steps back int he mean time.  I'm hoping I'm eating enough if I eat like this:- Breakfast ; meal replace shake or green shake and fruit and herbal tea- Lunch; Handful nuts and seeds and meal replace shake- Arvo; Fruit and dates/ or prunes/ or crisps- Dinner; curry or sweet potato, veggie based meal- Desert; hot beverage  I'm reading skinny bitch at the moment, and it cracks me up it's so bloody crude! But then again I like that it's straight forward and I can't wait for the vegan cook book. I've been wanting to go back to vegan for a while... but I love learning about the health backgrounds of foods or not so healthy for dairy and meat. I hate meat so no trouble there as I used to be a vegan, but being a vegetarian is something I enjoy and I often feel ill if I have dairy anyway. I am learning more about dairy and realising why I became vegan those years ago in the first place as I totally forgot all the hormones they are pumping into it and realising that If something makes me feel sick I really shouldn't be eating it. For some reason when I eat yoghurt especially I get ear aches and stuff.... bleh! Poor animals, it makes me mourn over them the way they are treated, yes even for dairy - let alone slaughtered for meat. My boyfriend thinks I go overboard verbally when I talk about it but I am just so fricking passionate. I love animals and it's our God given responsibility to act AGAINST violence and to care for them. There are other ways for our race to survive and also much more economical and intelligent ways. Sigh.  I'm feeling more secure lately in my relationship. My boyfriend bought me a gps - wow!!! and he is showing definate signs of feeling more secure in the relationship from his end also. I feel that he wants to be with me only sexually more so - not that we are that much haha-  as we're trying to be pure as christians and I feel that he wants to be with me only full stop. I love that. I'm starting to see that boys will be boys with perving, as occasionally I catch him and I get SO horribly jealous because I want to be that head turner. Well guess what me ... yes that's right I'm most likely talking to myself here... I'll be a head turner again one day. Just gotta get back on track with eating, lose some weight, get back in shape and grow my confidence.  I feel so old... and look more my age now... but feel discarded and it's a horrible feeling though I know I am largely responsible and I'll take a stand for it. It's getting a bit easier but like i said, i've still been shovelling the crap a bit. Reality is a strange and confronting thing but dreams will catch up some day... right?