Life Alone
Coming home to an empty house is sad. I have never been alone. I married right out of high school. He had been my strength in every way. He is gone now, without any notice. I have no arms to wrap around me and reassure me things will be ok, I will be ok. I don't want to do this. I ask myself why I didn't go first. He was such a good man. He gave his life to seeing that his family had everything they needed and then some. What brought him happiness was seeing us happy. He worked so hard and only got 8 months of retirement. Its not fair, he was having fun and had so many things he wanted to do. WE had so many plans for the summer. I don't know where to start, how to start.
All I want to do is cry and sleep. The phone doesn't ring. No one stops by. Nothing hardly comes in the mail. Our kids are all busy with their own lives.
I never knew days, hours, minutes....could be soooooo long!
All I want to do is cry and sleep. The phone doesn't ring. No one stops by. Nothing hardly comes in the mail. Our kids are all busy with their own lives.
I never knew days, hours, minutes....could be soooooo long!
Replies
I made a huge mistake and dated someone within a month of his death. Their were red flags from the beginning. I asked him what made him chose me on the dating site and he said he always looks for widows. HMMM. I asked him why? He said because their would be no ex to deal with and he felt these women would be dedicated to whomever they were with. Looking back, I think he was considering a widow as part o his retirement plan. He was so fun to be with in the beginning. We went places, did things, he bought me small gifts. Then when he realized I was not going to turn loose of any moneys I might have had, he tried to get me to sell him things for penny\'s on the dollar. When I wouldn\'t, he started getting cold and uncaring. Pushing me away, no longer responding to texts, no longer answering my phone calls or returning them. But he would respond just barely enough to keep me hanging on. My head was saying...holy shit, do not let this man have control over you. But my heart was saying, I want him, I need him. When I made a list of things in him I liked vs the things I didn\'t like it was sooooo weighted to the things I did not want. So why could my heart not let him go? He was not good for me, he was not what I wanted for my future, he was not even an honest man! Why could I not walk away? I didn\'t even like the foods he ate. He drank to much alcohol, he tried to control what I ate, he even monitored my weight. He was over weight but that didn\'t seem to matter to him. He wanted a sugar momma and someone who worshiped him. I started to see this fro the very beginning. I always said I would never get this desperate and yet here I am. I do not see this man as being with me yet I am not willing to let him go. My mind is just so messed up. Where is the strong woman I once was? I do not need a man!!! I am worth much more!!!! What is my problem? I miss my husband beyond words. The pain takes my breath away. My kids don\'t call or come around, my family doesn\'t either. My friends (who are couples) have gone on with their lives. I feel lie I belong no where and matter to no one. Why am I even caring about starting a new life? Well, I guess ....my cat needs me!
I have spent the last week in bed pretty much sleeping. I am slowing getting better. Its hard though to get better when you really don\'t care if you live or die. The depths of despair is something I would find hard to wish on anyone. Its amazing how much you become one with the person you love. I have always thought of myself as a strong woman. I have now learned that I truly am not. I have always believed in people, I am finding now that it is and can be a truly lonely world. I am going to learn how to live on my own, alone. This is something I am being forced into. I do not want to, but I feel I have no choice. I have children who need me. They are watching me, I want them to believe in me. So no matter how much I want to give up...I am not going to!!