Life

I want so badly to be somebody in life. I am on disability and have a hard time working with the public or in general due to my social anxiety and bipolar disorder. I am very stubborn, and angry most of the time. I lash out at everyone. I push people away just so they can't hurt me. I'm constantly ridiculed for my disorder. I'm called lazy and other names because i do not work. This is no way to live life. People think it's just a switch in my head that I can turn on and off and just get better. Well if that was the case I wouldn't be in half the situations i'm in. The worst part is trying to hide my disease from my daughter. I love her with everything that I am and do not want her to have a troubled childhood like I did. My mother was in and out of physciatric wards. I was in so many different places. If i didn't have her i would not be here today. She is the only reason that i do not crawl in a hole and die. I can't deal with my own head or thoughts anymore. People think I can just stop thinking these thoughts and be normal. No one can relate to what i go through on a daily basis. And if they had to they probably wouldn't want to be alive. I am on medications which do nothing but keep me from withdrawing from them. I really wish i knew back in 2005 how hard these SSRI's are to quit. I am a loner. I sit home alone. I have no friends and my family can't stand my miserableness. I don't blame them, but sometimes I would appreciate if they understood what I'm going through instead of putting me down because of it. I sleep my life away because my dreams are way better than reality. I hate waking up and facing each day because i know what it entails. I don't want to continue to live like this. I don't want more meds. I just want to be NORMAL!!