Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I plan on journaling my experiences when it comes to working on my compulsive lying. I imagine this journal will be relatively boring and not many people will find interest in it but you're all welcome to read and interact. The more the merrier in the support group, I suppose.

I feel like the best place to start might be how I got here.

I spent the last 30 years lying to everyone. Family, friend, coworkers, and random strangers. It didn't matter. Most of the time it was to make myself look better, garner sympathy, or avoid blame. But, I also lied for absolutely no reason at times. It didn't serve a single purpose and it would have been easier to just tell the truth. I've done this for my entire life and it spread in to my psyche in a way that allowed me to believe my own lies at times. I know things needed to change when things came off the rails a few months ago.

See, one of the things I'm good at is controlling people in a way that they don't quite notice at first. I form incredibly intense relationships quickly and then toss them aside when they've served their purpose. All of the lies in my current relationship with my wife came home to roost when I decided that I should probably come clean with everything since I had already been caught. She asked for a divorce, I made my usual choice and found a suitable mark to move on to quicky with, and I started to work. My wife asked to work on our marriage a few days later but I had already begun my usual process of moving on so I paid her lip service and continued on my merry way. I eventually ended up coming clean about this other person I was involved with. Partially at first and then fully over the next day or so. During this time, I confided in my wife that I was a compulsive liar and had spent the past 5 or so years lying about a myriad of things. This did not bode well for her and has been a significant barrier to us working on things. It seems like everytime I get close enough for her to make the decision to work on things that I say something wrong, or my treatment isn't as visible to her as she thinks it should be, or who knows what? We've almost gotten to the point of reconcilliation three times now and she's backed away three times. The last time happened because I was told to reach out to people from my past by therapist and see if there's any work that can be done to repair the relationships. I did that with two people, one of which was a female, and I made the poor decision of informing my wife that I had begun talking to another woman through the lense of my treatment. She didnt want to hear it and everything has been shut down since then.

Anywho, that feels like a good enough first entry. Welcome to my suck. The road where I chronicle how awful it is to actually have this. There should be some sort of sympathy for people with this but unfortuneately my issue specifically targets and hurts people. Kinda wish it was only an internal thing.