Letting it out.

Hmm, so I havn't tried this journal thing yet, but I do keep up with a lot of peoples, so I thought maybee it could help me. I really wish I had documented my recovery so I can look back to the beginning and have actual proof of my recovery it might help on those days Im feeling down, but oh well never too late to start... I'm doing much better than I was months ago, that switch to the real coumadin really helped. The side effects that I was experiencing from warfarin have been cut down dramatically. I still experience slight muscle aches, but a far cry from those crazy cramps I would have on warafin that had me rushing to the ER thinking I was clotting. The fogginess I was experiencing is completely gone, sometimes I would feel drunk on wafarin, like I couldnt complete a sentance right...weird. I finally feel a bit more clear headed. I wonder sometimes if warfarin causes depression, bc it seems almost instantly like after a couple days of being on the new pill my outlook brightened a bit. I still have these odd waves of sadness, mostly when I start thinking abnout having another clot or being afraid that I will have to be on coumadin forever. I'm 5 months post pe now, it seems like time flyed in a sense...I barely know whats going on with the world, the presidential elections and such... Im so lost lol. I know who won and everything but jeez I missed so much. The holidays are approaching so quickly and Im sad that Im not my normal self that would be so festive and cheery... Money is tight, working part time for a few more weeks then back to full time, car insurance is due, er bills due... I want to buy presants for the people I love ugh. At times im still having a hard time letting go, knowing I can never be the old me again, I often replay moments in my life before my pe, and wish I could go back. I get so angry at myself for taking my health for granted when I had it. I never thought anything of it, I felt that good health was a given... but its not! Now I need to get it back and worry that I cant... I know I am meant to learn something from all of this, but it gets hard and I get so frustrated that I cant always be positive. I try my best to look at the positives, I really do... I say things over and over again in my head and try to convince myself that everything is ok. I feel like my life is cut off, im only 21 what will happen, what life would I have had if I never took birth control for 5 months??? What life will I have now. Like they say ignorance is bliss... I really believe that now, I can never had my ignorance and niavity about health and the seriousness of life back. I know something now that I cant unknow. I guess a positive is that now I know that I need to enjoy life, and that its beautiful and a blessing. But when I get down and sad all I want is my ignorance back... I want to not even know what a pe is again. Of course I know this is all impossible. So I dwelling isnt really what I should be doing. I finally believe what people say about time healing all, ive heard this saying many times but im experiencing it now. I know I am much better then I was 5 months ago... I am suffering more mentally than physically. I am not in control of life, I cant change what will happen and this bothers me. I want to know I will never clot again. Nobody can help me ... nobody can tell me the future.  at 21 years old having to realize that we really are not in control of our life scares me its been hard to deal with... its a hard concept for my to grasp. I know the truth is, even if I needed to be on coumadin forever, I could still have a normal life. My doctor is pretty sure I wont have to be... I just want to continue in my life, I want to do whatever it is that I am put here to do, and do it well and live a full life, I want to enjoy everything until my last breathe, and I dont want my last breathe to be until im old....  Wow this really is long, well I guess I needed to get all that out!