Letting it all out
On March 14, 2014, my life forever changed. My husband of 16 years told me he was no longer in love with me and that I was causing him to feel depressed and that he had to leave. About 2 weeks after he left, he told me he had met someone. He has since been living the life of a single man without any responsibilities. He sleeps on his grandmother's sunporch or at one of the many women's homes he has become involved with. He is in danger of losing his job due to his partying every night and his constant need to be on Facebook or texting or calling all these women. He has isolated himself from his lifelong friends and does not want to listen to their advice. Our 2 sons are suffering, too. Our 21 year old hates him and does not talk to him. Our 14 year old only sees him for 3-4 hours on a Saturday or Sunday and even then he says that his father is always on the phone and not interacting with him. When I filed for divorce on April 21, 2014, he was not upset about it. Instead he was upset that I wanted full custody and that the court decided he owed me alimony in addition to the child support I was requesting.
I have focused on this separation with such intensity, that I am drained. It hurts to know that he can just pack up and move on to other women like I never existed. It hurts to know that I love him, but he does not love me anymore. It hurts to know that the only reason he wants joint custody is because he feels it will reduce his child support payment or he may not have to pay it all. While I know this divorce was coming due to his infidelity in the past, it still is a shock that I actually had to do it. He just stopped caring and loving me. I gave him everything in my being, but he never returned it with the same tenacity. Our friends and family have noticed this over the years and have pointed it out. They, too are shocked that it came to this. Like me, they thought he would turn around and realize how important our marriage was and the bond we had created.
As I move through the days now, I wonder does he think about us? Was it all bad? I understand that I can be controlling, but was that all it was? I know that I will never get a straight answer out of him because the truth is hard for him to tell to anyone. He lied so much during our marriage, that close to him leaving, I could not trust anything he said. I am starting to realize that I do miss him, but he was not good for me or our children. Other things (women, nightclubs, concerts and Facebook) always came before us. How can you be a father and husband, but put those people who created those titles for you last?
I saw him for the 1st time in almost 2 months earlier this week at a school meeting for our son and he looks horrible. He has aged 10 years and has lost weight. He told our son that he works out a lot now, but it looks like stress. If he was so happy to leave, why is looking haggard and stressed? Is behaving like a 21 year old too much for a 40 year old? At times, I wish he would just hit bottom and realize that he messed up something special. Then I realize that even if he hit bottom, he would not tell anyone. His pride won't allow it. I just have to go through the rest of my life knowing that I gave him all I had. I know and accept my faults and in a future relationship, I know what I have to be aware of. My 2 sons and I will be okay. It is still painful though. Still very painful.
I have focused on this separation with such intensity, that I am drained. It hurts to know that he can just pack up and move on to other women like I never existed. It hurts to know that I love him, but he does not love me anymore. It hurts to know that the only reason he wants joint custody is because he feels it will reduce his child support payment or he may not have to pay it all. While I know this divorce was coming due to his infidelity in the past, it still is a shock that I actually had to do it. He just stopped caring and loving me. I gave him everything in my being, but he never returned it with the same tenacity. Our friends and family have noticed this over the years and have pointed it out. They, too are shocked that it came to this. Like me, they thought he would turn around and realize how important our marriage was and the bond we had created.
As I move through the days now, I wonder does he think about us? Was it all bad? I understand that I can be controlling, but was that all it was? I know that I will never get a straight answer out of him because the truth is hard for him to tell to anyone. He lied so much during our marriage, that close to him leaving, I could not trust anything he said. I am starting to realize that I do miss him, but he was not good for me or our children. Other things (women, nightclubs, concerts and Facebook) always came before us. How can you be a father and husband, but put those people who created those titles for you last?
I saw him for the 1st time in almost 2 months earlier this week at a school meeting for our son and he looks horrible. He has aged 10 years and has lost weight. He told our son that he works out a lot now, but it looks like stress. If he was so happy to leave, why is looking haggard and stressed? Is behaving like a 21 year old too much for a 40 year old? At times, I wish he would just hit bottom and realize that he messed up something special. Then I realize that even if he hit bottom, he would not tell anyone. His pride won't allow it. I just have to go through the rest of my life knowing that I gave him all I had. I know and accept my faults and in a future relationship, I know what I have to be aware of. My 2 sons and I will be okay. It is still painful though. Still very painful.
Replies