Letting go of fear
On the day my husband passed, I sat by his bedside in awe of him. I knew that he was seeing the face of God. How I wanted to be in his place.
When did it start, this longing for death? This feeling and need to be with my husband that is so strong that death does not scare me. It seemed like only yesterday that I was afraid to fly. I avoided airlines at all cost. I even told my husband that I wanted to spend our honeymoon at a local hotel instead of the Bahamas. Now I'm planning a trip to Rome.
The bible said that God does not give us the spirit of fear, so I guess it's agood thing, but it is disconcerting. Up until now, fear had been my companion. I would avoid eating certain things in fear that I could become sick and die. I bought bottled water, switching to tap water once I found out that it was not regulated. I exercised, lived in safer neighborhoods. And now, well, things have changed. I'm not afraid of these things any longer. I look to my side and I don't see fear walking with me. I miss fear because there was something comforting about it. Something that made me feel in control. Yes, I was afraid, but I knew what to do to remain safe. Now I spend my days thinking about Heaven and how wonderful it is. I've replaced fear with another companion: the thought of everlasting life in heaven.
There's a huge part of me that hasn't figured out what to do with this new companion. I know that people won't understand. Tell someone you look forward to death and they're ready to call the men in white coats. They're thinking your're suicidal. Yet, suicide is the last thing on my mind. I'm an ex-Catholic who was raised to believe that suicide is a mortal sin. I'm not interested in angering God so I'm happy to wait my turn. But I'm like the kid in line for ice cream. I want it now. I want to taste the sweet nectar of Heaven. All I ask is that my dying is sweet. I don't want to suffer. I just want to be in the presence of the Almighty and look into the eyes of my dear husband.
When did it start, this longing for death? This feeling and need to be with my husband that is so strong that death does not scare me. It seemed like only yesterday that I was afraid to fly. I avoided airlines at all cost. I even told my husband that I wanted to spend our honeymoon at a local hotel instead of the Bahamas. Now I'm planning a trip to Rome.
The bible said that God does not give us the spirit of fear, so I guess it's agood thing, but it is disconcerting. Up until now, fear had been my companion. I would avoid eating certain things in fear that I could become sick and die. I bought bottled water, switching to tap water once I found out that it was not regulated. I exercised, lived in safer neighborhoods. And now, well, things have changed. I'm not afraid of these things any longer. I look to my side and I don't see fear walking with me. I miss fear because there was something comforting about it. Something that made me feel in control. Yes, I was afraid, but I knew what to do to remain safe. Now I spend my days thinking about Heaven and how wonderful it is. I've replaced fear with another companion: the thought of everlasting life in heaven.
There's a huge part of me that hasn't figured out what to do with this new companion. I know that people won't understand. Tell someone you look forward to death and they're ready to call the men in white coats. They're thinking your're suicidal. Yet, suicide is the last thing on my mind. I'm an ex-Catholic who was raised to believe that suicide is a mortal sin. I'm not interested in angering God so I'm happy to wait my turn. But I'm like the kid in line for ice cream. I want it now. I want to taste the sweet nectar of Heaven. All I ask is that my dying is sweet. I don't want to suffer. I just want to be in the presence of the Almighty and look into the eyes of my dear husband.
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