letting go feels good

I woke up this morning and actually felt better.  I know there are things that I still need to work through but you know there was that pain of being raped that really held me back.  I didn't realize that it was causing me so much pain as I thought I had dealt with it and left it alone but really I hadn't I had just buried it and tried to forget about it.  Finally talking about it openly has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders and knowing that for all these years I felt like it was my fault because I just didn't fight back and let it happen.  I don't like being told I'm pretty or beautiful or anything like that because deep down inside I am afraid of it.  But I realized over the course of the last 24 hours that this didn't happen to me because of who I am but because I was convenient to this creep.  I never filed charges against him and its way to late to do that now so essentially he got away with it. But at the same time I know that I wasn't strong enough then to go through any kind of investigation.  Especially since I felt that it was my fault and in some way I was asking for it because I let him crash on my couch.  I told my husband that when he comes in for home time we have to talk and that I have something important from my past to tell him about.  Getting it out and talking about it seems to be helping me.  I went to counseling today and opened up about it to my counselor and we are starting the process of moving through this.  On one hand I am scared of dealing with this hurt and going through this process but I also know that by handling this process now I will be a whole lot healthier for my surgery.  
 
Also talked with my counselor about dealing with the miscarriages and naming the lost babies and sending balloons with notes attached to them and she felt that would more than likely be very healing.  I talked with my husband about doing this and he told me that he would like to be with me when this is done and you know I think it would be great for us both to release this.  We both lost those babies so we should both have a ceremony to honor them that we never had.  We are so happy and glad to have the precious little boy that we have and we will never forget that but we also need to release those tiny little lives that touched us in such a large way.  I think seeing someone I have been relating to lose a precious little angel recently triggered the sadness of losing my angels through miscarriage and a car accident.  Life has a funny way of making us wake up.  I realized that I should work on my emotional baggage as much as I could before the surgery so that I will do better after the surgery I just didn't realize it was going to hurt this damn bad.  All I want to do is go to the drive thru and get the biggest cheese burger, and all those things that are bad for me that I haven't had in a long time.  I will not blow all the good things I am doing for myself because I want to stuff emotions that I am working on.  I need to learn to deal with my emotions in a healthy way and that is what I am doing one step at a time.