Letter to OW's Fiance
I sent the letter. It too until August to do it, because even after deciding I wanted to write it, I had to sort of feel out the possible consequences in my mind. I also wanted to talk it over with H and find out what his response was. Honestly, I think I would have sent the letter even if he'd been vehemently against it, but I at least would have taken his thoughts into consideration.
At first, H was against sending the letter because he didn't want OW's fiance to confront him. "He has no right," he whined. Seriously?? WTH? "I didn't cheat on him!" No, but H facilitated OW cheating on her (then) boyfriend. OW and H both knew that each other were in committed relationships. She knew he claimed to still be deeply in love with me. I will never understand why she chose to enter any kind of relationship with him knowing that, but whatever. He knew she was committed to this other guy, even if they weren't married or even engaged at the time. That IS a betrayal, even if it isn't a direct one.
Anyhow, I tried to hide my disgust at H's reaction. How fucking spineless can one man be? Still, this was no longer about him or about OW, this is about a man who is about to pledge his life (and beyond, depending on his faith) to a woman who seems to have questionable ethics. He deserves to have full disclosure and make the choice himself.
I did not include H's email address with the email that OW wrote him. "The List". It was so hard printing out that email. I couldn't help but skim parts of it and feel the betrayal and hurt all over again. Anyway, I did include a return address on the envelope. I hope OW's fiance can get the answers he wants and needs from OW, but if he had questions or wanted more proof, I felt it only right for him to have some way to contact me. I only very slightly changed the proposed letter I had written in my journal previously, otherwise it went out with "The List" (OW's pros and cons for being together, in which she pointed out things like H being in love with me, her intent to take over as mother to my children, and her regrets at having to hurt her boyfriend...) "as is". I tried hard to just lay down facts and to leave my own judgements out of it.
Well, Saturday I received the confirmation slip that had OW's fiance's name signed to it. He got the letter. Whether or not he read it is beyond my knowing, but I'll assume he did. Who knows what happened after that. With 54 days until their wedding, at least her fiance has time to figure out whether or not he feels he can devote himself to her. They have time to seek premarital counseling or to cancel the wedding altogether. At least now he has choices. Neither he nor I were able to choose whether the people we thought we loved stayed faithful to us, but we can choose whether to stay or go on our own terms. It's something, at least.
I'm not sure what to expect, but since no one has shown up at the door waving a gun around and no one has shown up to H's work threatening to ... who knows what ... I feel like whatever happens will probably happen out of my range of seeing/hearing. It's not my story to see, at least not those chapters.
So, back to life here.
At first, H was against sending the letter because he didn't want OW's fiance to confront him. "He has no right," he whined. Seriously?? WTH? "I didn't cheat on him!" No, but H facilitated OW cheating on her (then) boyfriend. OW and H both knew that each other were in committed relationships. She knew he claimed to still be deeply in love with me. I will never understand why she chose to enter any kind of relationship with him knowing that, but whatever. He knew she was committed to this other guy, even if they weren't married or even engaged at the time. That IS a betrayal, even if it isn't a direct one.
Anyhow, I tried to hide my disgust at H's reaction. How fucking spineless can one man be? Still, this was no longer about him or about OW, this is about a man who is about to pledge his life (and beyond, depending on his faith) to a woman who seems to have questionable ethics. He deserves to have full disclosure and make the choice himself.
I did not include H's email address with the email that OW wrote him. "The List". It was so hard printing out that email. I couldn't help but skim parts of it and feel the betrayal and hurt all over again. Anyway, I did include a return address on the envelope. I hope OW's fiance can get the answers he wants and needs from OW, but if he had questions or wanted more proof, I felt it only right for him to have some way to contact me. I only very slightly changed the proposed letter I had written in my journal previously, otherwise it went out with "The List" (OW's pros and cons for being together, in which she pointed out things like H being in love with me, her intent to take over as mother to my children, and her regrets at having to hurt her boyfriend...) "as is". I tried hard to just lay down facts and to leave my own judgements out of it.
Well, Saturday I received the confirmation slip that had OW's fiance's name signed to it. He got the letter. Whether or not he read it is beyond my knowing, but I'll assume he did. Who knows what happened after that. With 54 days until their wedding, at least her fiance has time to figure out whether or not he feels he can devote himself to her. They have time to seek premarital counseling or to cancel the wedding altogether. At least now he has choices. Neither he nor I were able to choose whether the people we thought we loved stayed faithful to us, but we can choose whether to stay or go on our own terms. It's something, at least.
I'm not sure what to expect, but since no one has shown up at the door waving a gun around and no one has shown up to H's work threatening to ... who knows what ... I feel like whatever happens will probably happen out of my range of seeing/hearing. It's not my story to see, at least not those chapters.
So, back to life here.
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