Letter to my estranged son, that I won't send.

It’s been a year since the blow-up at the cottage that led to our estrangement. Your father and I continue in relatively good health, just getting older and maybe a bit wiser. Over the year, I’ve learned a lot about your father and me. Even if you are not interested, I am going to list my learnings.


There is comfort that comes from sharing with others who are also estranged from their adult children. Don and I are not alone.


I forgive Don and myself. We made mistakes but we did the best we could.


Not all relationships last, some die, some divorce and some choose to leave for their own reasons. 


I will not allow my child or husband to have so much power over me, that without them I feel my life has no value.


I have help. Estrangement is painful and not something I could go through alone.


We let you go in love. We do it for ourselves and for you. We gave you life and let you have your life to live in your own way, even if that means we are not included.


Even in the best scenario and intact families, there is life after raising children.


We give ourselves time, in so many ways it is like a death and we need to grieve our loss.


We accept it. Not everyone is going to like Don and me, let alone love us and some of those who don’t like/love us just may be our own child.


We will surround ourselves with love and life. One can never have enough people who love you and support you in life.


Don and I are establishing a renewed intimacy, which is the warmth of friendship and connectedness and a renewed commitment to work on our relationship.


I have faith and take my hurts and troubles and hand them over to God.
I believe that your father and I are actually developing the Buddhist jihi,which you know represents the kind of love that requires nothing from the person toward whom it is felt, the joy that we experience from feeling it has nothing to do with any response we receive from you in return. When you ceased to speak to us, do we didn’t stop caring about what happened to you—in effect, or stopped loving you. This love we bear you represents the closest thing to jihi we can feel.
I realize that our estranged situation may continue. Our lifestyle, at 67 and 72, will not last forever. At some point living ceases. We are making arrangements for our cremains. This fall, we will have made all other arrangements such as wills and disbursement of material things, in order that you will not have to deal with it.