Letter to an Ex-Therapist

I hope you are well.  Just wanted to follow up on the "couples" therapy we did in 2007 with partner [X]. When I first brought X into your office in Spring 2007, it was because I suspected him of cheating on me with other men.  I didn't mention this until the 3rd session because X was performing physically manifested anxiety attacks in the waiting room and I was trying to keep him calm in the sessions so we could develop trusting communication and reduce his anxiety before discussing difficult issues.  When I finally brought it up, he denied it, and we moved on, although that was the whole reason we were there. In the session immediately before our wedding, X did not show up.  I spoke about my financial worries because money was disappearing.  Your assumption was that I did not know how to budget.  I was too exhausted and depressed to defend myself. I had been legally married to X for three days when I discovered his addiction to crack cocaine and sex.  We had a few more sessions with you but it was, in a sense, too late.  He promised to stay sober while continuing to lie, steal, cheat, and use.  You said you wanted to see him in a session alone and that was the last time any of us ever spoke.  The error was perhaps in your assumption that X could pay for therapy because he aws employed.  X spent all his paychecks on drugs.  I was always the one who wrote checks to you.  After paying all the bills for myself and X and having the rest manipulated out of me, I had no extra money to pay for therapy sessions where I wasn't even going to be present. What happened after that:  X completed an outpatient program at XXX in XXX in October 2007.  We informed both sets of our parents that he had an addiction.  He was only working part-time, having dropped his nursing classes one by one.  He continued to relapse, to the point of selling my ATM card and PIN to a drug dealer while I was recovering from surgery, and taking out loans to pay for drugs.  In January 2008 I escorted him to XXX in XXX.  Excepting a brief meeting hte following month when he retried his car, that was essentially the last time I saw him.  He has since been in residential three times at XXX.  In June 2008 he got infected (I believe deliberately) with HIV.  He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had 16 ECT treatments, in the middle of which he took up IV meth.  He continues to stay in supervised living in XXX and does not work.  I saw him once more when we were legally divorced in Boston this summer. (Of course, I had to pay for his plane ticket and hotel.)  The divorce took so long because I needed 12 months' residency in Massachusetts.  X continues to lie and manipulate me and his parents from afar. I wanted to pass on this information to you so that you have it for future situations.  When you meet a couple who is about to be married--and one is pleasant and charismatic, and the other looks tired and grumpy and says money is disappearing and suspects infidelity--there is a problem, and they shouldn't be getting married until the issue is seriously addressed and resolved.  I lost tens of thousands of dollars to X's addiction in the form of wedding and honeymoon expenses extorted out of me through bad accounting, "emergency loans," mutual funds gifted from my father, and my own meager wages eked out under great strain.  (I am leaving aside mention of the $300K luxury condo my father bought for me and X to live in, which X did not contribute to, I cannot live in because I needed XXX residency, and is now unsaleable in the market.)  The grumpy one was the sane one.  I had a reason to be grumpy.  In fact, I almost lost my life.  Drug dealers were fucking in my bed while I was at work, and had I not given up on the marriage when I did, I would have AIDS now.  It was not a matter of me needing to be nicer, more tolerant, more communicative, indulgent, enthusiastic or loving.  X is a person who gets electrodes attached to his head by psychiatrists these days.  If you remember him from 2007, that is what a lying cheating bipolar pre-AIDS crackwhore looks like.  For future reference.  I am letting go of this so that my life can start to be more about what I make it and less about how I nearly got dragged into the sewer.