Letter that was Never Sent...

MY DEAREST MATTHEW,                                                    I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO START THIS LETTER , BUT TO SAY I AM NOT WRITING THIS SO THAT U WILL COME TO GET ME, I AM WRITING AS A FORM OF CLOSURE FOR MYSELF, I CANNOT SEND THIS LETTER TIL I AM TRULY OVER YOU, CAUSE I KNOW IF I SENT IT NOW U WOULD COME RUNNING AND I'D RUN RIGHT BACK INTO UR ARMS.. THOUGH I KNOW THIS IS FOR THE BEST , IT SURE DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY - GOD HOW I MISS U EVERYDAY ! ITS THE LITTLE THINGS, LIKE UR SMILE, THE WAY U PUT UR ARMS AROUND ME WHILE I SLEPT, I FELT SO SAFE AND WARM IN THOSE ARMS, UR LAUGH, THOSE BIG HAZEL EYES, RUNNING MY FINGERS THROUGH UR HAIR  AND OVER UR TATTOO...  I JUST MISS YOU .... GONNA SOUND REALLY STUPID BUT I HAVE UR TOOTHBRUSH AND I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO THROW IT AWAY, I KEEP STARING AT IT AS IF ITS GOING TO BRING U BACK OR MAKE THIS ALL A DREAM , DREAMS, THATS ANOTHER SUBJECT THAT HITS A SORE SPOT WITH ME- I KEEP SEEING U WHEN I AM SLEEPING AND I CAN ALMOST FEEL YOU- SOMETIMES I WAKE UP AND I THINK YOU'RE THERE AND THEN I COME BACK DOWN TO REALIZATION THAT U WERE NEVER REALLY THERE- U WERE LAYING BESIDE ME , BUT U WANTED HER....  AS HARD AS IT IS TO BELIEVE I DON'T HATE KAREN, I HATE THE FACT THAT SHE HAS UR HEART IN A WAY THAT I NEVER WOULD/ WILL... SHE GETS TO SHARE UR DAYS AND UR NIGHTS, UR LAUGHTER AND TEARS, SHE GETS YOU, SHE HAS YOU, AND THAT REALLY HURTS- I ALWAYS ENVIED HER FOR THAT- I LOVED YOU, I LOVE U WITH ALL MY HEART! BUT U DON'T MISS OR LOVE ME AND YOU'VE MADE THAT PERFECTLY CLEAR... MT.VERNON AND BELLE RIVE FELT LIKE HOME TO ME - NOT BECAUSE EITHER PLACE WAS AMAZING, BUT BECAUSE U WERE THERE WITH ME, I WAS WARM INSIDE ON THE COLDEST OF DAYS BECAUSE U LOVED ME... BUT NOW I FEEL SO EMPTY AND DARK INSIDE, LIKE A BIG PART OF ME DIED WHEN U LEFT ME.... SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT AND HEARING U SAY TO HER "KAREN I LOVE YOU AND NOT BRANDI".... I WANTED TO SHRIVEL UP AND DIE AT THAT VERY MOMENT..AND I COULDN'T BREATHE, I COULDN'T MOVE, FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE DEAD, HOW DO I EXPLAIN TO YOU , THAT FOR ME, ITS LIKE WITHOUT YOU, THERE'S NO ME TO PUT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?... I'M TRYING TO MOVE ON - BUT ITS REALLY HARD, I KEEP COMPARING EVERYONE TO YOU , AND THEY JUST AREN'T MATT..... I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE, BUT THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME , I JUST WANT YOU.... BUT I'LL NEVER HAVE YOU... MY HEART BROKE ALITTLE EVERYTIME U SAID U WERE GONNA MARRY ME- I BELIEVED IT CAUSE I WANTED TO BE MRS.SCHISLER SO BAD! I WAITED SO LONG FOR YOU TO SAY THE WORDS U FINALLY SAID TO ME ONLY TO HAVE THEM RIPPED AWAY, I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER UNDERSTAND WHY U DIDN'T AND DON'T LOVE ME, DON'T THINK I'LL EVER STOP SEARCHING FOR A WAY FOR US TO BE TOGETHER , THOUGH I KNOW THIS ISN'T HEALTHY OR REALISTIC, THERE IS SOMETHING INSIDE, I NEED YOU , I LOVE YOU! I WANT SO MUCH FOR U TO RUN TO ME FOR GOOD AND PROVE UR MINE FOREVER! NEVER THOUGHT I'D FEEL THIS WAY AFTER ANDY AND NOW ITS LIKE I LOST HIM ALL OVER AGAIN- ONLY THIS IS WORSE CAUSE YOU'RE ALIVE AND I CAN REACH U IF I REALLY WANTED TO.... THAT SUCKS ! BUT THE ONE THING THAT NEITHER U OR KAREN CAN TAKE FROM ME ARE MY MEMORIES, THAT NIGHT WHEN U HELD ME AND CALLED ME UR CHEROKEE AND SAID U LOVE ME MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY...... I WILL TREASURE THAT MEMORY FOREVER AND HOLD IT CLOSE TO MY HEART, FOR ONE MOMENT U LOVED ME THE WAY I LOVE U AND THAT WAS AMAZING... I KNOW EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY FOR NICKNAMING U SWANKY- BUT TO ME IT WAS JUST ANOTHER WAY TO SAY - I LOVE YOU... SO I'LL END THIS LETTER WITH THAT.. I LOVE U  AND ALWAYS WILL.                                                     YOUR SOUTHERN BELLE,                                                             BRANDI