lets try this again.....
I was not going to rewrite the lost entry, but this morning's "laundry incident" was just too ....?something?.... But after my rant on the discussion page, I got that out of my system. Drunk or sober, the reality is that he is who he has chosen to become. It was so easy to believe that if he could just get and stay sober he would be the guy i fell in love with. I am beginning to realize that that guy was always an illusion.
I am really doing alright because I am doing what I am supposed to be doing: living each day the best I can with mindfulness and purpose. I go to work, do my job, enjoy my friends, love my sons, and explore my interests. I am working on releasing myself from a lifetime of guilt. This is my major down fall as always.
I believe my husband is still drinking, not in the raging out of control ways of the past, but that will follow I am sure. The guilt is related to the "what if" he is telling the truth? (this time). ha! why would this time be any different than all the other times?????? the loss of trust is heartbreaking, but now is the time to grieve the loss of it and move on. And trust means more than relaxing into knowing he can control his addictive urges. it is about knowing I have a steady and reliable back up. It is feeling comfortable in expressing my anxieties, worries and everyday frustrations and IT NOT HAVING TO ALWAYS BE ABOUT HIM. Not every thing is about him. It is about waking up in the morning and feeling safe once in a while.
Ah but sadly, this is not my life with him......I have to say that I am aware that he is not the devil himself , or even one of his minions. My AH is just another poor broken human being trying to find his way in this world but he just keeps getting lost. He loves me in whatever way he loves, and has been faithful, even though his first love is getting high.
The more detached I become from his misery the more sympathy I feel for him. How the hell does he look in the mirror every day? if I were him I would by inconsolable realizing the hurt and damage to the lives of others doled out in an attempt to stay high. His sons think he is a fool. The rift in our relationship HUGE. He has lost my respect and TRUST. How he does it astounds me!!!!
So I speak my truth when necessary. I try not to feel guilty. I keep in mind that my guilt and self esteem issues were used as tools by my AH TO PROTECT HIS ADDICTIONS. I remember this: "how dare he use my pain against me" this is what addicts do.
Since, for now, I have decided against divorce for financial reasons, I am trying to navigate the tricky situation I find myself i, and remain a decent human, hopefully become a better one. Life as a classroom.
I am really doing alright because I am doing what I am supposed to be doing: living each day the best I can with mindfulness and purpose. I go to work, do my job, enjoy my friends, love my sons, and explore my interests. I am working on releasing myself from a lifetime of guilt. This is my major down fall as always.
I believe my husband is still drinking, not in the raging out of control ways of the past, but that will follow I am sure. The guilt is related to the "what if" he is telling the truth? (this time). ha! why would this time be any different than all the other times?????? the loss of trust is heartbreaking, but now is the time to grieve the loss of it and move on. And trust means more than relaxing into knowing he can control his addictive urges. it is about knowing I have a steady and reliable back up. It is feeling comfortable in expressing my anxieties, worries and everyday frustrations and IT NOT HAVING TO ALWAYS BE ABOUT HIM. Not every thing is about him. It is about waking up in the morning and feeling safe once in a while.
Ah but sadly, this is not my life with him......I have to say that I am aware that he is not the devil himself , or even one of his minions. My AH is just another poor broken human being trying to find his way in this world but he just keeps getting lost. He loves me in whatever way he loves, and has been faithful, even though his first love is getting high.
The more detached I become from his misery the more sympathy I feel for him. How the hell does he look in the mirror every day? if I were him I would by inconsolable realizing the hurt and damage to the lives of others doled out in an attempt to stay high. His sons think he is a fool. The rift in our relationship HUGE. He has lost my respect and TRUST. How he does it astounds me!!!!
So I speak my truth when necessary. I try not to feel guilty. I keep in mind that my guilt and self esteem issues were used as tools by my AH TO PROTECT HIS ADDICTIONS. I remember this: "how dare he use my pain against me" this is what addicts do.
Since, for now, I have decided against divorce for financial reasons, I am trying to navigate the tricky situation I find myself i, and remain a decent human, hopefully become a better one. Life as a classroom.
Replies
It is hard to figure out what a decent human being is in the face of addiction. It really turned all my thoughts on that topic upside down. I can appreciate how hard it must be. I have this same appreciation for my spouse\'s problems and know she isn\'t evil but that she\'s been held down by this illness and the choices that come with it. I\'m be never faced this thing before where you have someone that loves you and has a good heart but is completely under the control of a substance that is ruining all that and who us so willing to lite that it may be impossible to tell if they ever are beating it.
I really, really struggled with the guilt of not being \"nice\". Even though I tried every way i could think of to help or fix or pretend or keep the peace or whatever it was I thought i was doing.
Being me and being healthy, without being drawn into the drama, helps me be a better person.