letter

hello, everyone! this is a letter i wrote to the author of "momma zen," mrs. karen maezen-miller. i just read the last chapter "tending garden" and got wicked pissed off. anyways, here's the letter (i put my degrees on the end of my name so she'd know i was educated. for some reason this seemed important...)...Dear Ms. Maezen-Miller:I have just finished reading Momma Zen and I am profoundly disappointed in your words. While there is some wisdom in your book, you have excluded me and my child from your discussion and attempted to diminish us as a family. I did not expect to be excluded by a writer who has supposedly embraced such a tolerant path in life. I am a single mother. I am a graduate of Naropa University (MFA). I take mindful parenting very very seriously. Why are you suggesting that my home is not good enough for my child? Your "Tending Garden" chapter on the loving marriage is limiting, antiquated, and pretentious. You obviously have absolutely no idea what it means for a person to leave a toxic partner... to pull away from a dangerous relationship for the sake of herself/himself and her/his child. You say that a child has a "complete need for an intact family" meaning a mother and a father in the home. But in an overwhelming number of cases, this cannot be. You encourage partners to "expect less, say loving things, do loving things, and come to know what love means" in order to salvage their relationships with the co-parents of their children. You scoff at divorce, saying that the individuals didn't do what they were supposed to do to keep the relationship intact. Who are you talking to? Do you seriously think that this is all it takes? Are you completely unaware of the abuse, addictions, psychoses, and etc. ad infinutum that are taking place out here in the real world? What about death? Are widowed mothers and fathers exempt from your judgment since it's not really their fault that they're single? They didn't fail? You speak of an intact family as a "garden" in which a child can grow. Your definition of "intact" is hideously limited, aggregiously intolerant, and does not work for many many many many of us. Although our lifeway does not adhere to your definition, my child and I are intact. Not broken. We are an intact family.As if the intimation that a heterosexual marriage is the only proper and morally correct place to bring up a child were not offensive enough, you have the audacity to suggest that returning to work is a selfish act on the part of the mother. "...a filthy secret formed in my head. I know why mothers go back to work...I was willing to pay almost any price just to get some green-backed gratification. How convenient that the greater share of this price would be paid by the child I would leave behind." You really know why a mother goes back to work? To get a break from her children? To pursue some misguided desire for financial gain? To feed her ego? To climb the ladder of success with no care for her child? Are you kidding? Let me tell you why THIS mother went back to work: To feed, clothe, and shelter her son. Period. I happen to love my job, too. Does this make me a selfishly bad mother? And what "price" is my child paying for me to work? Is he less able, happy, or healthy than YOUR child? Lady, most of us don't have the luxury of a wealthy spouse. For most us, work is not a "choice," selfish or otherwise. Or do you make concessions for us "poor" folk who HAVE to go back to work? Do you pity us? Do you pity our children? Don't.The final insult is your contention that the role of nurturer is innately the mother's. The role of primary care-giver "enabled by his full-time income and supported by his part-time assistance, this was mostly my job to do. Beyond the petty parsing of tasks, I knew that he was right... This is something that you will know in your marrow, far deeper than social conventions and household roles. Fundamentally and forever, the mother is the mother, and the father is not." Didn't we leave those notions behind in the 70s? What about all the single fathers out there? What about gay couples with children? Are they inherently incapable of nurturing a child the way nature, in your opinion, intended? I wish to tell you something, Madame: I am a whole parent. My child is well-loved and well-adjusted. Our garden is beautiful. We are the perfect family.With love,Miss Beth McCormack, M.A., M.F.A.Here's her reply:I am sorry. You have a point. Thanks for going to the trouble to bring it to my attention.If you read the chapter again you will see these words, "If your partner is honest and true, you can begin again." In no way am I imposing my judgment on anyone whose partner is dishonest and untrue. I believe we can see these things for ourselves and act appropriately. As you do. I can only write from my own experience as a disappointed wife and mother brought back time and again from the urge to flee, and I am careful to identify it as such.In the chapter on going back to work, I am being honest with myself here. "It was a cynical revelation sprung from the immense good fortune of having a choice. My need was largely manufactured." Needs change, of course, like everything. And when needs change, actions do too. I know nothing about your need or anyone else's. I do not presume to judge anyone else. Judging myself is already poisonous enough. The world is too unkind, and we are unkind with each other. There is a shortage of kindness everywhere I look.Many women - single mothers, lesbian mothers, working mothers, married mothers - and many fathers have had their own experiences not judged by me, but affirmed by my honest account of my inner struggle and the endless ways parenthood makes us attend to the force of our ego, something that I am easily blind to. At the same time, I can see why you feel disappointment and anger toward me.What you say is true. You and your family are perfect as you are. It's wonderful that you can see that and be happy. You have no fight from me.Karen Maezen Miller