let\'s play a game called bang your head into the wall as hard as you can!
Hi guys! Thanks for all your support on my last entry. It means a lot to have all of you gusy to back me up. So anyways, I went shoppnig with my mom today and tried on some clothes and actually calmed down a bit. Even though I did'nt fit into the size 1, I suddenly relaized even if I lost thirty pounds I still wouldn't, I just have wide set hips and a tiny waist. I've stopped thinking that starving will make me go down a pant size now, because it won;t, it's only maknig me look bony and creepy. I wore this pretty red and gray striped shirt today and my mother was like "You can see your collaarbones. They're just...oh my god. PLease put n a necklace, sweetie. That looks really bad. It looks like I don't feed you." WTF?? Since when is it about her?? I'll tell you when-never. God, she even makes my eating disorder about her!! I feel so bored with life. I had gotten excited because I thought we may be gonig on a vacation in April but then my mom was "No. There's no way we're donig that" and my dad was like "well, maybe." and my mom was like "Absolutely no. Ther's no chance." My dad was like "geez Carlene you don't have to crush her hopes let her have some chance." So now I'm totally upset because we never go anywhere. Ugh. There's nothing to look forward to!! I don't know. I'm just really bumming because I feel like my lfie is a waste. And Ed would like you all to know that I'm actually very I'm fat and my mom doesn't know what she's talking about when she say my collarbones. He said it's not fair that I trick you and make you think I'm actually skinny. You deserve to know the truth, he said, which is that I'm a fat, selfish, worthless, greedy, arrogant pig. LOVE YOU ALL!Megs
Replies
You and Brit have oddly similar journals...knock it off you two, you are not boring AND you are none of those negative things...you are amazing so there :oP Your mom may just feel guilty and like things would be different for you if she did things differently.
love you
ED deserves to know that he can SHOVE IT, because you\'re a very beautiful young lady. I\'m glad you realized that it\'s just your bone structure that doesn\'t let you fit into size ones. Do you also realize that this means that you\'ve just admitted you have no fat on your hips, \'cause you\'re down to the bones? Tell ED to put that in his pipe and smoke it! Jeez, it is annoying when parents make ED all about them. Like \"You don\'t eat because of me. I know it! People are going to think badly of me because you don\'t eat!\" I\'m sorry you\'re bummed out. Maybe it\'s just end of summer depression. Or PMS. Or ED being the jerk he is. *hugs* Ily!
My mom does the same with me. She always wants me to cover uo when I am with her in public. She is embarrassed of me and has told me that.
That sucks about the vacation, but maybe your mom will change her mind.
Gosh that is annoying of your mom, just ignore her comments and take care of yourself for YOU and you alone. I am glad you can be rational with size because it is soo absolutely true that people just have different shapes and no matter how much weight you lose you will still have that body shape. I have wide hips and tiny wrists which never go away no matter my weight. Think of your body as a tool for enjoying life as best you can and nourishing it as enhancing your ability to enjoy it the most! And there are so many things to look forward to! You can also plan little fun events to give you something to look forward to. Like treating yourself to something, having a friend over, going someplace fun that is local, etc.... Life is full of fun, exciting surprises that don\'t have to be planned trips. Love you hunny, keep fighting the urges!!!
I\'m STILL getting comments from my parents when I relapse and I\'m in my late 30\'s (Yikes!). I think people, aside from some really good therapists, just don\'t understand ED\'s unless they have one. I know that doesn\'t make it any less painful or frustrating, though, but do remember that your mother just loves you and wants the best for you. I, too, have finally come to the realization that I will never fit into a size whatever, because of my bone structure. That is a HUGE step and I\'m proud of you for seeing that. It\'s so hard when you have ED blaring lies in your head all the time, but it seems to me, you are becoming able to separate the ED voice from reality. Another big step. I\'m so sorry about the vacation, but is everything set in stone about it yet? You have my support. Many hugs...xxxx
NO NO NO you are NOT any of those things! I am glad you are voicing your feelings and opinions, but it sucks when ed speaks so loudly through us! I am so sorry that you are so frustrated but you are right- no matter how skinny you get, you can\'t change things like bones/bone structure... and truth is not many people are actually suppoosed to fit in a size 1. I am sorry about your mom too but i can really relate to that.... it\'s like my ed is something i have done \"to her\" and it has always been a struggle between us. It is so h ard becuase i know as moms they must feel insecure/upset/like they have done something wrong if their daughters can\'t even feed themselves... but it is so much more and about so much more. i just really think unless you have had an ed, you really can\'t ever truly understand it. anywya, sorry to ramble.. i just relplied to your last journal too... i am also sorry about the vacation.. can you take a mini vacation inyour head? do a few things to treat yourself? take a bubble bath? sleep in late? read a trashy book or silly magazaine, or whatever else youw ould do if on vacation? I don\'t know.. just an idea. hang in there dear and know that ed is lying to you!
mothers have the need to nurture their young...and hwen it looks like they dont take care of their kids, they feel embarassed that others will thnk that they arent doing their job...so her saying this doesnt mean shes being selfish...shes just being a mom....and shes ur mom...so love her while shes here...and hun im so glad that u have realized that ur body isnt meant to be a size one...ur skeleton is shaped differently from anyone elses...unless u have a twin soemwhere out there that is...some people have wide hip bones, some people have broad shoulders...it all depends on the person...
Sorry you\'re bored. Maybe you need some kind of goal, or purpose, not ED related. Like I have skating and that helps me a lot. I can focus on something different and when I want to participate in ED behavior it helps because I know I can\'t because I need to be strong.
Baby girl!! You are so fabulous!! You rock!!! I hope your mom changes her mind. You deserve a good vaca!! family always has a way of letting you down and feel like crap. But I choose to believe that its because they want the best for us!! They just feel so helpless, and alot of their advice comes out wrong. I promise you. She does love you!
Even though you might not have anything fun planned in the near future, you have your whole life ahead of you to have tons of fun... but in order to have that fun, you need to hold onto your health! So keep telling Ed to shove it because you are a beautiful, amazing, talented, super cool girl and you are going to do so many great things in the world.
Please don\'t listen to ED! At least you realize that it\'s what HE thinks. That doesn\'t mean it\'s what you have to think, ya know? Stand up for yourself! Tell him he\'s wrong! Remember you are beautiful and don\'t let anyone tell you otherwise, especially ED.
def try and listen to your healthy voice!! its much better in the long run. and im sorry that your mom said that. that sucks! have u ever done family therapy? cuz that can be helpful, with telling them what to say, what not to say etc....
hang in there!
Sorry your mom does that too u that sucks. ITA with what Miri say about Family therpy but right now i can hear your mom saying no and i dont mean that in a mean way just the way she said no about going any where but i would try family therpy is does work i didnt think my family would do it but they did.good luck