let me grieve...please....please...please vader

Why cant people let me grieve? I am getting sick and tired of being reminded how bad i look.To the ignorant people who commented...this is the story.I found Brad on the grass at our house on May 22,2009.That was 7 months ago.Brad had slit his wrists and he was doa when I found him.He also was nude.There was blood everywhere.The cats started to scream and they were screaming.I held Brad for at least 10 minutes before I called the police.I wanted to say goodbye.I knew we would never see each other alive again.The fire department was here twice in two days.Brad was on a drinking binge.He was drinking heavily for two weeks and he was taking a white powder called Meth.He was crazy and was verbally and physically abusiving me.Brad had a lot of problems.Sobriety was one of them.He was 49 and could have been anything he wanted to be.Brad choose the way some mixed up people do.Brad was in 12 rehabs.The last rehab (before mysocial security disability I paid for.Then his father paid for it.it cost me 18,000 of my cash settlement that I got in a car accident in Seattle in 1996.Brad was sick then and he died sick.We were screaming at each other for one week.The cats were scared.Kramer hid in my closet.Tooey ran under my bed.And all this timehe planned this.With Brad...we would move every two years and i told him when we got a house...that I would stay.I am staying here because as of January 2010 I am signing up for the over 55 job placement in seattle and i will be able to work part time.I cant work full time because of my ssdi.i can only work 20 hours and I cant make over a certain amount.This trauma is killing me because I have no friends here to discuss this.I am going to join a survivors of suicide group in January.I am a bell ringer for the salvation army now and this is my last season.My face is better now but my teeth where he hit me are killing me and i cant go to the clinice until the holidays..but aside fromĀ  this....i want to grieve.i want to scream.i want to cry.i want these emotions to come out.i want to tell Brad that i am sorry and sorry for the way that I ignored him,but i came to seattle to sing and thats all I ever wanted and all i have had all of my life from the mousey men in my life has been resentment...well enough.No more men.you stink.I refuse to date.blind date or computer date.I dont want to go out and i wont.I spent 12 and half years with Brad and some of them were not all this bad..it is only the past few months...he was acting crazy like they say.I am also going to sell avon and i am also a wand reader.I tell fortunes and for all of you Aries out there..2010 is going to be fantastic.You were born under a lucky sign.Brad was all I had and I just forget him....I have forgiven him and i still love him.I met Brad when I was 48 years old and now I am 62 and thats a long haul.We did simple things and liked simple things.The cats are sick today so i am going to work late.and noone who has never found a man dead in their yard with their wrists slit and blood everywhere knows the pain and the heartbreak that i am going through and for all these happy go lucky people who have had the balls of telling me to get over it and it gets better in time....i have got two words...DROP DEAD AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH.KEEP YOUR ADVICE TO YOURSELF YOU WERE NOT HERE AND YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING.I MEAN WHO DIED AND APPOINTED YOU GOD?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You are right, they should let you grieve. I am so sorry you went through such a horrible time and lost a friend. All I can say is there is no time limit for grieving. My dad died almost 2 years ago and I am still a mess from it. You are you, you take your time, take care of you.
Skye
vader
vader

thanks sky woman for your wonderful words.Has anyone noticed lately when a person cries that people feel uncomforable? There is no time for this grieving.I have to get over it.It will be 7 months and I am still a mess from it.But I have to take care of me and the cats and house.vader.thanks.