Let me go
Right after posting in my journal last night I got 2 texts from him. "I'm alone and I'm feeling bad. Can you please come over just for a little bit." "I'm feeling like I'm dying and I'm scared."
Yep. I went over. He met me at the door and held me like he'd never let go. I asked him what was going on. He said his heart was racing, he felt like he would pass out. He was afraid to be alone. He said he was so sorry for what he'd said earlier. He said he knew I was right about the drinking. And then he said he didn't need it, he needed love. But of course he was drinking. I said you do need it. You need help to quit. I said it f**ing owns you. He let me say that without getting angry or telling me to go.
I tried to talk to him about getting help. He just kept trying to hold me and kiss me. I said, I can't go there. I can't be with you like that anymore. I'm here as a friend, not your lover. He was so sad. He cried. He kept touching my face and I said I had to go. He held me and cried. and when I walked to my car he collapsed at his front door. So I went back and I got him inside. He collapsed again. I said I was calling 911 and then he said no & got better. He stood up and held me again. He promised to text me today. to take his anxiety medication and to eat. I left.
I don't know what will happen to him. I do think he could be in terrible shape. I don't know what I could have done. If I was a real friend I guess I would have stayed with him to make sure he was okay. I couldn't stay. I couldn't force the issue of calling 911 or taking him to the hospital. Part of me, thought it may have been somewhat of act on his part. Or maybe not.
I hope he's okay, but I have to accept that if he dies from his anxiety, depression and alcoholism, it is not my fault. I don't know if I can do that.
I am the one hurting him in the eyes of himself, his doctor, friends and family. I wanted to be important to him once. I guess I am. I don't want this now. I only want him to be okay. To let me go.
Yep. I went over. He met me at the door and held me like he'd never let go. I asked him what was going on. He said his heart was racing, he felt like he would pass out. He was afraid to be alone. He said he was so sorry for what he'd said earlier. He said he knew I was right about the drinking. And then he said he didn't need it, he needed love. But of course he was drinking. I said you do need it. You need help to quit. I said it f**ing owns you. He let me say that without getting angry or telling me to go.
I tried to talk to him about getting help. He just kept trying to hold me and kiss me. I said, I can't go there. I can't be with you like that anymore. I'm here as a friend, not your lover. He was so sad. He cried. He kept touching my face and I said I had to go. He held me and cried. and when I walked to my car he collapsed at his front door. So I went back and I got him inside. He collapsed again. I said I was calling 911 and then he said no & got better. He stood up and held me again. He promised to text me today. to take his anxiety medication and to eat. I left.
I don't know what will happen to him. I do think he could be in terrible shape. I don't know what I could have done. If I was a real friend I guess I would have stayed with him to make sure he was okay. I couldn't stay. I couldn't force the issue of calling 911 or taking him to the hospital. Part of me, thought it may have been somewhat of act on his part. Or maybe not.
I hope he's okay, but I have to accept that if he dies from his anxiety, depression and alcoholism, it is not my fault. I don't know if I can do that.
I am the one hurting him in the eyes of himself, his doctor, friends and family. I wanted to be important to him once. I guess I am. I don't want this now. I only want him to be okay. To let me go.
Replies
It\'s not your fault but it\'s hard to realize that. But without you ever having been in his life, he\'d still be the same. He\'s been like this for a LONG time and it has nothing to do with you. I do understand your compassion for him. Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? And/or have you read \"Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change\"? Both of those might help you come to terms with the notion that his illness / failure to recover (if he does fail) are not your fault.
You are amazing. I am in awe of you. Keep that strength and desire to go forward on your own. He has decided to live his life the way he does. You are young and this is a marvelous time to begin again. I\'m 100% behind you and impressed how well you are doing. Take good care.
Ah coreen1, I am not young. I am 55 and have spent my life with one alcoholic or another. I\'m not young, but I am ready to start over one more time.
MSS, I am not young either -- I am 52! But like you, I am ready to start all over again. (In fact, I\'m doing it whether I\'m ready or not!) Leaving my stable-but-unsatisfying long-term relationship two years ago was the first step. Since then it\'s been a real roller-coaster, since I essentially traded stability for total chaos. But seriously? I wouldn\'t trade any of it in. I believe 100% that the journey I underwent was necessary. And now because of it, I\'m feeling that much stronger, that much more aware of who I am, of what I need, of how I need to grow to become the person I want to be. And you will too. Embrace the chaos if and when you can: it\'s the precursor to creation. xo
I am not young either, I\'m 53 soon to be 54, the thoughts of starting over are frightening. My situation is different because my husband left me. So yes it is scary to start over, to face more debt on my own, to face being alone but we need to realize that this happens to lots of people every single day, some even older than us and this site is proof of that BUT they are making it so we can too!
In regards to your leaving him w/out calling 911, I would have done the same thing, you are no longer responsible for him, each time he or his son reach out and you go, gives them a sense that you\'ll always be there for them. Is that what you want? I don\'t think it is so it\'s best to stop being there when they call, you\'re only hurting yourself. Let his son and Dr. take care of him, you\'re DONE! Keep going forward!!!