Lessons I have learned

Through living with my SO being gone, it has given me a lot of time to reflect on a lot of things. So I figured that I would take the time to write a few of them down in a blog since I have posted a lot of random threads this week...---First of all: I have found that, through Basic Training I have had the time to realize that I took a lot of things for granted. Especially time.Taz was always with me...we only spent the first 3 months of our relationship long-distance before we moved in together, and two years later, she was always by my side. Every time that we would fight, I would pray that she would find an excuse just to leave the house for a few days so that I could have my alone-time without stress, so that I could work on 'my' projects and do 'my' hobbies without having to cater to her needs.But now that she is gone...I realize just how much I relied on her comfort and support. When I would be having a bad day, she was always the one to comfort me...she never ignored my texts, never ignored my calls, was always willing to listen, and that's something not even my friends seems willing to do sometimes. Once she left, I did not have that anymore and was left to battle with my mere fists where she had been my sword and shield before.So I really feel bad about all those times that I took for granted, all those times I let her leave the house without trying to stop her, all those times that I myself left because I just did not want to deal with her anymore. When all those memories and mistakes come back to haunt me, I realize just how good I used to have it, and yet, how stupid I was for not appreciating it as fully as I should have. ---Secondly:I always used to say that I was the strong one in the relationship. Granted, that used to be true. Taz was always having doubts about us and always trying to leave me because she felt as though she could not give her 100% or she felt as though our relationship was too complicated and/or going nowhere. I used to sit there and beg her not to leave merely because she was being stupid and illogical, and that she was giving up too easily without so much as a fight. I used to tell her how I could never have doubts in something so pure and so wonderful (as our love is) but, now I kinda know how she was feeling. My last LDR before Taz had lasted for 5 years and i was engaged to get married. So, i was always telling Taz that I was not worried about the military-thing because if I could make that last relationship for so long, I could handle her new life no problem. But the thing was, Taz knew better...because the last person...I never met them. Not in person (we did webcam, phone calls, and such). But I never held the other girl, kissed the other girl, or even made love to the other girl. Taz knew that i was getting into something so different and that's why she was always so scared. And now that she is giving her 100% and is strong and reassuring...it has been me that has been going off my rocker, flipping out, and having doubts about where this whole thing is taking me. So I was really immature for being so cocky...but at the same time, I have to even her out somewhere, and it made her into the strong person she is today...thus I at least did a little good. ---Thirdly:It wasn't until this military-thing that I realized just how much i loved Taz. I mean, before she even left, i wanted to marry her...and start a family with her...but it was not as powerful, and it seemed like I was saying it merely because we had already been through so much shit together that being together for eternity seemed like the only thing left to do.But now...now it is so much different......I have felt the pain of having her gone. I know how lonely i am without seeing her smiling face. I know how vulnerable I feel when her arms are not around me...and I also know how loudly my heart beats when I hear her voice, read her letters, and know that she is thinking about me every night.I know that it takes a lot to be with a person in the military...but I know that it would take a lot more to leave such an amazing person who makes you feel so whole, and then try to live down the guilt of knowing you just let your other half slip through your fingers.I love you Tasmara Lorraine Locke  Forever and Always.