Learning to Love Myself Again

i am learning to gradually love myself. I am eating again and i feel alive again and yes i do have moments well a lot of moments where i feel insecure and vulnerable and emotional. But i am not depriving myself and abusing myself again. I remembered how i felt losing weight and how i don't value myself at all. i thought that bulimia and anorexia was going to fix my problems and make me feel better and happier. but it was ALL A LIE. IT WAS ALL A DAMN BIG LIE FOR 6 AND A HALF YEARS. I LEARNED TO LIE TO MYSELF AND MY FAMILY AND EVERY ONE AROUND ME. I DIDN'T CARE WHO IT WAS I LIED TO. I JUST LIED. i thought that i controlled my eating disorder at first but at the end of the day it controlled me. it took over my body and mind, every single thought. i even relied to my eating disorder as punishment for myself whenever i made some stupid mistake or did something stupid. i was extremely hard on myself. i didn't love myself at all. it was up to the point where i began to think i was ugly. and i'd look at other girls and compare my body and looks to them. there was this girl named Geny in PE class back in high school. i didn't know why i was jealous of her or envied her. i guess i wanted to be like her and be "popular". i wanted to feel pretty inside and i thought "is there a day where this girl DOESN'T go to school with NO single scrap of makeup on?" a lot of the things that were said to me really changed my view of myself. i thought of myself as something that people when they look at me they would not think it is true. i remembered texting my good friend that i wish i looked like Geny and that i feel ugly. she texted me back and said "You are gorgeous!! i'm surprised you don't have a boyfriend yet." haha but i do see that ever since i was 12 or 13, i'd go to one of my dad's friend's parties and one of the ladies' would ask me "do you have a boyfriend yet?" and i'd think "wow.... am i really this attractive and beautiful? cos i certainly don't feel like it!" Now that i've seen other women with eating disorders and how much damage ANA AND MIA has done, i was horrified! i thought that all the Ana and Mia does is tell lies and then make you the most ugliest person alive EVER. now i want to be 105 pounds and have my curves back the way i was last year around this time when i was a senior in high school. i had curves! i was 105 pounds with some curves and my good friend told me that i looked good that time. then the negative thoughts creeped back in and i lost weight again and she was shocked when she saw i lost weight. now i am learning to gradually love my body and love me for me.