Learning To Live With My Past
So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I have decided that I have to deal with my past. That means completely being honest with myself. Maybe then I will be able to leave the past completely in the past. Or at least accept it and move on. Hopefully find peace. Because I can't go on doing this anymore.
1) Yes my childhood wasn't the best, But it wasn't as bad as it seemed at the moment and how I made it seem. My parents were at fault, as well as me. I could have done many things different and so could they have. Nothing can change it now but we can change the future.
2) Yes I love/d Josh. He was my first everything and the first person who honestly seemed to care about me. Who tried to understand me and everything I was going through. He also choose me over multiple other girls, something that I did not think that was possible. He helped build my self confidence. I have been hung up on him for so many years. We both made mistakes. I think that perhaps if I had a chance to actually say goodbye to him that may haps I could have actually accepted that it was over. He just disappeared one day without contacting me when we were still dating. Every time I have talked to him since, briefly off and on its been amazing but also painful. There was always a hope that we would get back together. But I have to accept that we have both moved on. That we have made choices that have changed and define who we are now. We have both changed from high school and it is time to accept that. It's time to accept that he has moved on and that I have to move on if I want anything to change in my life now.
3) Yes, Sam did some awful things to me. That was his choice. But It was also my fault that I stayed with him for that long. My decision to not speak up when I should have, and my decision to not be as firm with my choices as I should have been. No matter how down I was I should have not let other experiences effect my decision making. I truthfully Don't think that it could be counted as rape, other then the ways it made me feel. But that was on equal fault between us two. It ruined a good friendship in the end. But now I am not sure that it was ever a good friendship. Because if it was a good friendship then things like what happened should not have effected his or my attitude.
3) College, that was one complete right off. I let the effect of for the first time being on my own, where no one knew who I was and I didn't have to worry about people running their mouths effect who and what I did. So I drank and partied and messed around with people I barely knew. I put myself at risk and I lost self respect for myself. I thought I knew what I was doing and obviously I did not. I should have studied more and not let other peoples problems affect me. They were their problems- Not mine.
4) Getting engaded. Its been some of the best times in my life and some of the worst time of my life. We have had our share of problems. Some are my fault and some are his. My selfishness and stubbornness is part of the problem. As well as me loosing my temper or getting depressed and drawing away. Not being able to let go of the past. I need to be more truthful with him. About health problems, feelings and everything else. I have to stop let my depression or self righteous affect my actions. He needs to start talking about what's bugging him and letting it build up. He has to stop being so Jealous and I have to stop being so lets say slutty.
5) I have to stop putting my self into situations where I am risking my fiancé's love and my self respect. I need to start thinking things through about what's best for myself. That means growing up finally.
6) I have let my self confidence effect what I wear or how I have dressed in the past. or what people have said to my punch down my self confidence to the point I acted a certain way because that what they expected of me. This is the time where I should wear what I want to wear. Be it guys baggy clothes or girly girl clothes. I shouldn't doubt my my clothing on other peoples exspectations.
7) I let my doubts and self consciences effect how I act and who I talked to or hung out with. Just because of my size and my doubts I shouldn't let that effect who I am. I need to get over my shyness and start talking to people. Making contacts and friends. I need to stop letting other people talk for me and start doing it myself. I need to start being more outgoing, talkative. More friendly. To be more happy.
I think maybe thinking clearly, plain hard truths I can focus on the future. I hope.
1) Yes my childhood wasn't the best, But it wasn't as bad as it seemed at the moment and how I made it seem. My parents were at fault, as well as me. I could have done many things different and so could they have. Nothing can change it now but we can change the future.
2) Yes I love/d Josh. He was my first everything and the first person who honestly seemed to care about me. Who tried to understand me and everything I was going through. He also choose me over multiple other girls, something that I did not think that was possible. He helped build my self confidence. I have been hung up on him for so many years. We both made mistakes. I think that perhaps if I had a chance to actually say goodbye to him that may haps I could have actually accepted that it was over. He just disappeared one day without contacting me when we were still dating. Every time I have talked to him since, briefly off and on its been amazing but also painful. There was always a hope that we would get back together. But I have to accept that we have both moved on. That we have made choices that have changed and define who we are now. We have both changed from high school and it is time to accept that. It's time to accept that he has moved on and that I have to move on if I want anything to change in my life now.
3) Yes, Sam did some awful things to me. That was his choice. But It was also my fault that I stayed with him for that long. My decision to not speak up when I should have, and my decision to not be as firm with my choices as I should have been. No matter how down I was I should have not let other experiences effect my decision making. I truthfully Don't think that it could be counted as rape, other then the ways it made me feel. But that was on equal fault between us two. It ruined a good friendship in the end. But now I am not sure that it was ever a good friendship. Because if it was a good friendship then things like what happened should not have effected his or my attitude.
3) College, that was one complete right off. I let the effect of for the first time being on my own, where no one knew who I was and I didn't have to worry about people running their mouths effect who and what I did. So I drank and partied and messed around with people I barely knew. I put myself at risk and I lost self respect for myself. I thought I knew what I was doing and obviously I did not. I should have studied more and not let other peoples problems affect me. They were their problems- Not mine.
4) Getting engaded. Its been some of the best times in my life and some of the worst time of my life. We have had our share of problems. Some are my fault and some are his. My selfishness and stubbornness is part of the problem. As well as me loosing my temper or getting depressed and drawing away. Not being able to let go of the past. I need to be more truthful with him. About health problems, feelings and everything else. I have to stop let my depression or self righteous affect my actions. He needs to start talking about what's bugging him and letting it build up. He has to stop being so Jealous and I have to stop being so lets say slutty.
5) I have to stop putting my self into situations where I am risking my fiancé's love and my self respect. I need to start thinking things through about what's best for myself. That means growing up finally.
6) I have let my self confidence effect what I wear or how I have dressed in the past. or what people have said to my punch down my self confidence to the point I acted a certain way because that what they expected of me. This is the time where I should wear what I want to wear. Be it guys baggy clothes or girly girl clothes. I shouldn't doubt my my clothing on other peoples exspectations.
7) I let my doubts and self consciences effect how I act and who I talked to or hung out with. Just because of my size and my doubts I shouldn't let that effect who I am. I need to get over my shyness and start talking to people. Making contacts and friends. I need to stop letting other people talk for me and start doing it myself. I need to start being more outgoing, talkative. More friendly. To be more happy.
I think maybe thinking clearly, plain hard truths I can focus on the future. I hope.
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