Learning to Let Go
I went to therapy today and it went well. I talked with my therapist and told her I did a journal last night (private) about the assault and trying to let go of it. We talked about the things I said, some of them being that I need to let go and forgive for my sake and that it doesn't mean what he did was okay. I was trying to get empathy for the guy who assaulted me, and I think he was going through a hard time as well. As my therapist said, it's not like someone wakes up and decides to be a rapist. They go down a path to get there, a path of pain. So there had to be other things going on in his life that I didn't know about that were causing him to be so angry to do that to me. My therapist said I was on the right track, and that I should write a letter to the guy to clear my head some more, and that we could do some role-playing as if she was him. I was kinda scared of the role-playing scenario... I don't know what I would do or say if I saw him again. Not right now at least. I wish that I would have a better grasp of what I would do, but that will come with time and processing. I'm finally letting myself think about this and confront it, so I have to give myself time to get over it. For so long I've let it hide in my head, I need to get it out and let it go.
I just talked to Geo about the things I've been talking about in therapy and tried to encourage Geo to go to therapy as well, but he says he's not ready for it. I have to take him at his word and know that when it's time for him to go, he will. He has to go to therapy before he can get the surgery to make sure that there's no emotional deal behind his eating (although every person who is morbidly obese has some sort of emotional eating problem in my opinion, myself included) and that he can get the surgery and isn't at risk for gaining the weight back. I hope by the time he's ready for the surgery he can pass through therapy and get the surgery and be successful and lose the weight and keep it off. It's about trust. I have to trust that he knows what he's doing with his body, although I think he could use a wake up call as to how many calories he's drinking a day. He drinks a lot of soda, and if he could see how that's impacting him, I think it would do him some good. Then again it could backfire on me and have it turn out that he needs all those calories to maintain the weight loss he's doing (remember, too few calories and your body goes into starvation mode) and that he actually needs it. I don't know how it will turn out. I would like him to track his calories for at least one day to see how it turns out.
I volunteered today, and it went well. I wasn't really needed, but I had fun. I was with this guy who was just playing around and having a good time with everyone, so it was nice. It was certainly better than the other girl who had an attitude at first. He made the time fly by, that's for sure. I talked with my boss, and he and I were talking about me getting hired on there part time, and he's all for it. I think he just wants someone who can speak Spanish there. I saw that there was a job opening that I could do, scanning in stuff, but I want to be in a place where my language talents can be used. I would rather be a useful volunteer than a paid person who isn't used to the fullest. I just want to give the most I can to the clinic. I don't want to be bored, just sitting there scanning when I could be interacting with people and helping others out. My goal in life is to help others, so that's why I would rather be unpaid but helping rather than being paid and not really helping. Although I didn't do much helping today.... but I was too busy having fun lol! I could have gone home, but what would I have done at home but the same thing I do all the time... so I sat there and helped a bit with directions, logging visitors and such, things that the guy I was working with didn't know. He works in appointments, which is the main part of the information desk, but he didn't know all the ins and outs of doing the books and all that. I did help some, so that does make me feel a bit better.
Food today was good.... I finally ate enough carbs to fill my quota, and got in my calories for the day. I had Subway for lunch and a snack, and regular dinner. I had my regular breakfast, a chicken thigh and coffee. I know it's a weird breakfast, but hey, I'm weird lol. Sleep was good last night... I felt like I got a deep sleep and woke up refreshed. My therapist wants me to keep tracking my sleep, so I have homework from therapy. I didn't really exercise that much today, so I'm going to have to make up for it tomorrow. I'm planning on hitting the gym if they are open, if not trying to get into the pool. Stress wasn't too bad today... it started pouring when I was on the bus, and I got worried that I was going to have to sit in the pouring rain and wait for the next bus, but it was clear by the time I got off. Mood was really good today, I had another great day. Let's keep this good mood rolling all month long!
I just talked to Geo about the things I've been talking about in therapy and tried to encourage Geo to go to therapy as well, but he says he's not ready for it. I have to take him at his word and know that when it's time for him to go, he will. He has to go to therapy before he can get the surgery to make sure that there's no emotional deal behind his eating (although every person who is morbidly obese has some sort of emotional eating problem in my opinion, myself included) and that he can get the surgery and isn't at risk for gaining the weight back. I hope by the time he's ready for the surgery he can pass through therapy and get the surgery and be successful and lose the weight and keep it off. It's about trust. I have to trust that he knows what he's doing with his body, although I think he could use a wake up call as to how many calories he's drinking a day. He drinks a lot of soda, and if he could see how that's impacting him, I think it would do him some good. Then again it could backfire on me and have it turn out that he needs all those calories to maintain the weight loss he's doing (remember, too few calories and your body goes into starvation mode) and that he actually needs it. I don't know how it will turn out. I would like him to track his calories for at least one day to see how it turns out.
I volunteered today, and it went well. I wasn't really needed, but I had fun. I was with this guy who was just playing around and having a good time with everyone, so it was nice. It was certainly better than the other girl who had an attitude at first. He made the time fly by, that's for sure. I talked with my boss, and he and I were talking about me getting hired on there part time, and he's all for it. I think he just wants someone who can speak Spanish there. I saw that there was a job opening that I could do, scanning in stuff, but I want to be in a place where my language talents can be used. I would rather be a useful volunteer than a paid person who isn't used to the fullest. I just want to give the most I can to the clinic. I don't want to be bored, just sitting there scanning when I could be interacting with people and helping others out. My goal in life is to help others, so that's why I would rather be unpaid but helping rather than being paid and not really helping. Although I didn't do much helping today.... but I was too busy having fun lol! I could have gone home, but what would I have done at home but the same thing I do all the time... so I sat there and helped a bit with directions, logging visitors and such, things that the guy I was working with didn't know. He works in appointments, which is the main part of the information desk, but he didn't know all the ins and outs of doing the books and all that. I did help some, so that does make me feel a bit better.
Food today was good.... I finally ate enough carbs to fill my quota, and got in my calories for the day. I had Subway for lunch and a snack, and regular dinner. I had my regular breakfast, a chicken thigh and coffee. I know it's a weird breakfast, but hey, I'm weird lol. Sleep was good last night... I felt like I got a deep sleep and woke up refreshed. My therapist wants me to keep tracking my sleep, so I have homework from therapy. I didn't really exercise that much today, so I'm going to have to make up for it tomorrow. I'm planning on hitting the gym if they are open, if not trying to get into the pool. Stress wasn't too bad today... it started pouring when I was on the bus, and I got worried that I was going to have to sit in the pouring rain and wait for the next bus, but it was clear by the time I got off. Mood was really good today, I had another great day. Let's keep this good mood rolling all month long!
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