Learning To Just Let It All Go!!!!
Over the past month there have been so many highs and lows i'm going to have to start taking an Anti Nausea Medicine to deal with it. I start my Divorce Care Support Group tomorrow at church im so excited I can't sleep. I have been waiting so long to sit in a room with people who REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH. My family and friends are so wonderful and really try to help me but at this point no one knows what to say to me any more. They don't understand they have never had to go through anything even close to this. Trying to work on my self esteem and feeling of being tossed aside with ABSOLUTLY no regaurd. I know it's HIS PROBLEM and he is the one with SERIOUS IDENTITY ISSUES yet i'm the one who suffers because of his choices.
I feel RIPPED OFF I FEEL LIKE HE STOLE 23 YEARS AND THERE IS NO JUSTICE FOR ME OR CHILDREN. I know Karma will come back around I believe that you get from this world what you put into it. The universe has a way of coming back around and eventually we all have to pay the price for our choices. I stayed with a very SELFISH AND NON CARING MAN FOR YEARS JUST TRYING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US. GUESS WHAT I'M PAYING FOR THAT CHOICE NOW. Starting all over at 45 with nothing to show for the past years except my kids and a mound of DEBT!!!!! I take peace in knowing that God is teaching me PATIENCE and good things come to those that wait. He will have to answer and atone for all his very bad choices one day maybe even years from now but it will come. He truely believed that there would be no consequence to his actions. That we would all just be good friends and his kids would just say " It's ok Dad it's ok you abandoned us as ong as your happy and moving on is all that matters"
They really do live in a dream world when they can just completely destroy everyone's life and then act like I didn't do anything I can do what I want and you will be fine. Well yes I will be fine in time but that doesn't excuse your pathetic childish behavior and total lack of remorse. However like I said the Universe and God will judge him in time and i'm ready to stop carrying HIS BURDEN, HIS FAULTS, HIS GUILT AND HIS SHAME. I'm ready to say GOODBYE TO THE LIFE I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE AND MAKE THE LIFE I HAVE THE BEST I CAN. There is still alot of life to live. I may have a date this week end a really nice handsome guy I met at a CPR class on saturday asked for my number. I don't give my number out so I took his number and said I would think about it and call him friday if I wanted to go for coffee or a movie on saturday night. I was so shocked I haven't ben on a date in 23 years I wouldn't know what to do. But maybe it's like riding a bike you never really forget and we talked alot on Sat during the class and the conversation just seemed to flow it was like talking to an old friend.
Anyway even if it doesn't pan out with him I must admit just starting to think of myself with someone else and being excited about the possibilities leaves me to believe that I have turned a corner. LIFE DOES GO ON AND I WANT TO MAKE IT A GOOD ONE. I HAVE ALREADY WAISTED HALF MY LIFE AND ON IDIOT WHO DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT HE HAD AND NEVE TREASURED OR APPRECIATED ME. Something tells me a GOOD MAN WILL........
I feel RIPPED OFF I FEEL LIKE HE STOLE 23 YEARS AND THERE IS NO JUSTICE FOR ME OR CHILDREN. I know Karma will come back around I believe that you get from this world what you put into it. The universe has a way of coming back around and eventually we all have to pay the price for our choices. I stayed with a very SELFISH AND NON CARING MAN FOR YEARS JUST TRYING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US. GUESS WHAT I'M PAYING FOR THAT CHOICE NOW. Starting all over at 45 with nothing to show for the past years except my kids and a mound of DEBT!!!!! I take peace in knowing that God is teaching me PATIENCE and good things come to those that wait. He will have to answer and atone for all his very bad choices one day maybe even years from now but it will come. He truely believed that there would be no consequence to his actions. That we would all just be good friends and his kids would just say " It's ok Dad it's ok you abandoned us as ong as your happy and moving on is all that matters"
They really do live in a dream world when they can just completely destroy everyone's life and then act like I didn't do anything I can do what I want and you will be fine. Well yes I will be fine in time but that doesn't excuse your pathetic childish behavior and total lack of remorse. However like I said the Universe and God will judge him in time and i'm ready to stop carrying HIS BURDEN, HIS FAULTS, HIS GUILT AND HIS SHAME. I'm ready to say GOODBYE TO THE LIFE I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE AND MAKE THE LIFE I HAVE THE BEST I CAN. There is still alot of life to live. I may have a date this week end a really nice handsome guy I met at a CPR class on saturday asked for my number. I don't give my number out so I took his number and said I would think about it and call him friday if I wanted to go for coffee or a movie on saturday night. I was so shocked I haven't ben on a date in 23 years I wouldn't know what to do. But maybe it's like riding a bike you never really forget and we talked alot on Sat during the class and the conversation just seemed to flow it was like talking to an old friend.
Anyway even if it doesn't pan out with him I must admit just starting to think of myself with someone else and being excited about the possibilities leaves me to believe that I have turned a corner. LIFE DOES GO ON AND I WANT TO MAKE IT A GOOD ONE. I HAVE ALREADY WAISTED HALF MY LIFE AND ON IDIOT WHO DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT HE HAD AND NEVE TREASURED OR APPRECIATED ME. Something tells me a GOOD MAN WILL........
Replies
Oh a good man would have to be blind to miss what he has in you. I am so thrilled that someone cute has acknowledged you for being someone worth spending time to get to know. You go for it girl!! You deserve to be treated right by someone nice. I hope he turns out to be good, considerate and kind company who is as interested in knowing you for the wonderful person that you are, as you would be of knowing him for who he is.
By the way eating ginger is good for the nausea of the rollercoaster ride :-)
Disney - this is a great journal entry and everything you wrote rings true with me as well. We do deserve better and we do deserve to be happy and loved by someone who appreciates us for us.
You have been doing so well. Don\'t let him take up any more time in your head. Your moving on, and doing it well - I hope you go on that date on Sat. Would be good to get some good attention!
Disney, yes this is a fantastic acheivement by you, I am thrilled to see you are going to move on, it shows there is hope, thank you, I hope your new date is the best ever and it makes you realise there is much better out there. I feel like I am reading my life story when I read your journal, same man, same outcome. It is almost like they are clockworked to abandon families the same way. and yes my h also thought we would stay friends, the kids would still respect him etc , but that will not be the case , i do not want to stay friends with him, as for the kids, they are older, they know right from wrong . good luck keep us posted on your weekend
lots and lots of good wishes and hugs
p
I attended a different DivorceCare group last night from the one I normally go to. It was at the church where two of our newest members (jaycpea and SDinMD) attend and it was quite fun and the conversations were lively and interesting.
Anyway, last night was Chapter 5 -- LONELINESS. The film touchef on the different effects of loneliness have on us, and the underlying MESSAGE was something that I preach around here all the time -- that being:
UNTIL YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF -- ALL BY YOURSELF -- it is unreasonable to expect someone else to make you truly happy.
Just like you, Disneymom, I had to learn this the hard way. After awhile, though, it became pretty apparent that since I had been IN THE MARRIAGE BY MYSELF for a very long time, the only difference was that there was no longer that other \"body\" in the house. And trust me, that in itself was a RELIEF! Less work. Less hassle. No more walking on eggshells. And as I have told you before, I STILL REALLY TREASURE MY ALONE TIME! That\'s one reason Tom spending one night a week up at his mother\'s has ENHANCED OUR RELATIONSHIP!
I must point out that I am still hearing a lot of anger and resentment in what you have written here. It\'s ok and pretty normal to keep having some of these thoughts, but it\'s time to start putting the brakes on when you spend too much time brooding about it.
YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND how your stbx did what he did because YOU ARE A PERSON OF INTEGRITY!
Continuing to think how you \"wasted 23 years of your life\" is counter-productive to your healing and moving ahead. YOU DIDN\'T WASTE ANYTHING! You have your children and your maturity and a great deal of personal growth and insight that you wouldn\'t have otherwise if you hadn\'t had those years. We all get some bad with the good -- at times like this, it\'s most important to FOCUS ON THE GOOD.
Keep reminding yourself that YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD WITH WHAT YOU HAD TO WORK WITH. That\'s all any of us can do. And also keep in mind that GOD HAS SOMETHING BETTER IN MIND FOR YOU. Put the \"old stuff\" away and open yourself to the possibilities that await you. Karma WILL come around, but it may not happen until you are so far removed from all this that it won\'t have any impact on you whatsoever.
Sending you thoughts of strength and tenacity as you move through this day! xoxoxo