Learning from myself

Some of you may know that I write fanfiction.  Mostly Starsky and Hutch.  Today, I received a review from one of my stories.  I had written it a couple of years ago, and to be honest, I'd forgotten it.  I decided to read it.  Boy was I surprised.  The story was about a man who'd lost the woman he loved.  He wasn't coping well.  Sort of like me.  In the story, I saw my life.  Yet it was written before my husband passed. 
I felt like I was reading something written by someone else.  It was strange feeling, but I learned something by reading it.  I must be grateful for the time I had with my DH.  Up until now, I hadn't realized how much time I spend thinking about why he isn't here with me now.  Like the character in my story, I'd just learned to look like I'm doing fine.  Instead, I'm locked in the past, filled with regrets.  Almost as if I expect to travel back in time and fix things that were not right.
I think when I wrote the story, God was giving me a message--one that I wouldn't fully comprehend until a much later date.  Today I understand what I must do.  I must put away the pretence of living and actually do it.  I must go back to making plans instead of hoping that plans are made.  I must let the joy of life fill me, never taking it for granted.  I have two wonderful grandchildren.  I say they are a gift from my husband because I never had children.  I think I will start there, becoming more a part of their lives.  And one day, maybe, the smile I wear will be real.