Learning from my mistakes

I am not one who believes in living in the past or in living with regret. I tend to just push forward and try to keep a positive attitude. Sometimes there are "breaks in that armor" but for the most part, I just move forward and keep going. While my natural optimism could be construed as a good thing, it occurred to me last night that the way I am using it is not. I am not learning anything from my mistakes by sticking my head in the sand and pretending an issue hasn't occurred. In fact, far too often I am actually forgetting things that have happened until something else comes up that triggers the memory. This can't be healthy! Not only can it not be healthy, but I continue to experience the same types of events over and over again, never learning how to avoid and extricate the first time around.
I was thinking about how stuck I often feel; but the truth is I have had countless opportunities to change things and get away from this situation over the years. I have determination which carries me through to leave in the first place; I spend money and rely on the assistance of friends and family and leave--only to be sucked back in and go through it all over again in shockingly short order. When the kids were really small--Alyssa was only 9 months old, I took the kids and drove to Florida and stayed with my grandmother for a week. I came back because he was claiming parental rights and that he was having the kids taken away from me for kidnapping and because he loved and missed his family. Immediately, things got even worse physically violent than they were.
I moved again and again--I have uprooted my kids, taken different jobs, changed their schools, gone to a therapist, gotten help from family, taken my tax refund checks to get away, talked to people about buying homes (which I never followed through on), and on and on. Each time I end up right back where I started--only the leash is shorter each time because he is now suspicious of every single move I make; even right down to suspicious if I have a day off work and don't call him ten times throughout the day to check in. I've contacted lawyers and done research and worked on myself until I have information coming out of my ears, and yet here I sit again and again. I now have the knowledge to spot an abuser ten miles away, but it does me no good because I am so focused on something else (I'm not sure what yet).
So, while I refuse to live with regrets for choices I have made, and yes I realize I am the one who has made these choices, I am starting to think that I need to do a little delving into the past to make some sense about why exactly I made these choices each time. I can't even kid myself that it is love. I stopped loving T. a LONG time ago. I use fear as the basis for my whys, but what am I afraid of? I suppose it could be a case of the "devil you know being safer than the devil you don't" but I've seen what the other side can bring and it was happy, so that isn't it either--at least not exactly. Do I honestly not believe that I deserve any better? Am I afraid of being alone--I don't think so, but maybe I am burying that fear along with my past? I say I could never pay the bills on my own and take care of the kids,but in reality I'm doing it all on my own anyway and I have his dead weight to add to the mix as well. Anyway, that is what I am going to be focusing on the next few days, trying to come up with my reasons for not being able to get clear and free so that I never have to resort to them again. Happy Thanksgiving!!