Learning from my mistake
Well, today started out as any other Wed. I woke up at 5 with huge anxiety and got ready for work and the gym. Driving to the gym I was like "I don't want to be here, I am exhausted. OMG I work all day today!! As I was on the treadmill I thought, I can't take it anymore, I want food I need it NOW!!! So I went out of the gym ran to the nearest store and bought binge food. I ate it and purged feeling so relieved. I did it twice, but the second time I could not get everything out. It felt so good to binge. I mean, I think sugery pastries to me is like cocaine to an addict. I cannot beleve how much I ate...6 cookies 3 choc chip 3 snickerdoodles2 large brownies with nuts4 glazed donuts2 glazed old fashion donuts2 packs of mini donuts2 pieces of toast1 bowl of frosted shredded wheatyogurtWow...It looks so larger in writing. I was self medicating, ED having me in a firm headlock. As I ws purging, I thought to myself why did I do this today? Why? I thought about what led to it and it was my super stressful job. It was not having time for anything else except eat, sleep and work. I cannot physically and mentally take it anymore. I start out the week just trying to make myself happy, I drink boxes of diet coke. I drink pots of coffee. I literally have no time for myself. Even on my days off I am stressed because I have so many errand to run. My car looks like crap because I need to wash it. I have weeks of laundry to do and my room looks like I got robbed. Also my hygiene. I shower after work, but it is such a chore to get ready. I have to quickly wash my face in the kitchen while I am making breakfast (talk about muiltitasking) I brush my hair like twice a week because I have no time to brush it. I don't have time to get my touch up on color ( I so desperatly need it) I just tie it up and wear a headband. (I work in a pool so no need to get pretty) On my days off I feel like death. It is an effort to walk anywhere. But I waste the little energy Ido have on binges because it makes me feel good aabout my pathetic life. So I need to rethink things and get my life on track to where Icome first.
Replies
Girl, I know where your coming from. I get up a 6 am, bike to work, work all day in a stressful enviroment, bike home, have to clean up after roomates, listen to my BF complain about his day, watch my roomates eat huge, junk food trigger loaded meals, and believe me, these people buy TONS of junk. we are talking poptarts and honey nut cheerios here. And they dont even eat it, just leave it around tormenting me. I spend all day avoiding the kitchen, which isnt realy hard because I have so many errands and chores to do everyday in the couple hours after work before bed. I end up exploding on the kitchen at 2am, eating for half hour straight until im about to bust, then i barely sleep and feel like a cow all day..
It just feels like release at the time. For me anyway. Just filling my mouth with all that junk, it feels like I deserve it for having life shit on me all day.
However, its possible to heal ED, and someday it will get better. I hope that you have a much better day tomorrow!! I\'ll be online if you need someone to talk to!