Learning from my mistake

   Well, today started out as any other Wed. I woke up at 5 with huge anxiety and got ready for work and the gym. Driving to the gym I was like "I don't want to be  here, I am exhausted. OMG I work all day today!!   As I was on the treadmill I thought, I can't take it anymore, I want food I need it NOW!!! So I went out of the gym ran to the nearest store and bought binge food. I ate it and purged feeling so relieved. I did it twice, but the second time I could not get everything out.  It felt so good to binge. I mean, I think sugery pastries to me is like cocaine to an addict. I cannot beleve how much I ate...6 cookies 3 choc chip 3 snickerdoodles2 large brownies with nuts4 glazed donuts2 glazed old fashion donuts2 packs of mini donuts2 pieces of toast1 bowl of frosted shredded wheatyogurtWow...It looks so larger in writing.   I was self medicating, ED having me in a firm headlock. As I ws purging, I thought to myself why did I do this today? Why? I thought about what led to it and it was my super stressful job. It was not having time for anything else except eat, sleep and work. I cannot physically and mentally take it anymore. I start out the week just trying to make myself happy, I drink boxes of diet coke. I drink pots of coffee. I literally have no time for myself. Even on my days off I am stressed because I have so many errand to run. My car looks like crap because I need to wash it. I have weeks of laundry to do and my room looks like I got robbed.  Also my hygiene. I shower after work, but it is such a chore to get ready. I have to quickly wash my face in the kitchen while I am making breakfast (talk about muiltitasking) I brush my hair like twice a week because I have no time to brush it. I don't have time to get my touch up on color ( I so desperatly need it)  I just tie it up and wear a headband. (I work in a pool so no need to get pretty)  On my days off I feel like death. It is an effort to walk anywhere. But I waste the little energy Ido have on binges because it makes me feel good aabout my pathetic life. So I need to rethink things and get my life on track to where Icome first.