learned behaviors/chicken dinners
I just saw myself doing something.
Worked all day, did my best, felt good. Arrived home around 5 after errands. Watched a TV show while putting a toy together for my partner's niece (who, I told the woman at toysrus, was MY niece), then cooked him a chicken dinner while eating an english muffin because I was hungry, and couldn't wait for the nice chicken dinner... he gets home very late. I felt trapped. I'm waiting for him to come home. Waiting for him like my mother used wait for my father after she quit her job because she couldn't control what people said about her.
I sit, and do for him, and wait for him to get home. The red flag is - I feel trapped.
I am not trapped, however. This is a choice I am making. My mother decided that not only would it be easy to live vicariously through her husband and doll-child, as well as easy to rule over them (more easy than office workers and accountants), it would also be virtuous. Selfless chicken dinner cooking.It was a choice she made, god save us.God save me, who had to live with the weird fallout.
I love to cook dinner for my partner, because I love him, but I need I NEED to have these evenings be also mine. Force myself to forget about him sometimes, he who can really, actually cook his OWN dinner (he's done it for fifteen years without me!!) and won't be damaged. In fact, i should have cooked myself dinner and let him figure it out on his own. Tonight I felt trapped, but it wasn't him who was trapping me. I'm trapping myself, and exacerbating my soul problem.
This is something I need to work on.
Worked all day, did my best, felt good. Arrived home around 5 after errands. Watched a TV show while putting a toy together for my partner's niece (who, I told the woman at toysrus, was MY niece), then cooked him a chicken dinner while eating an english muffin because I was hungry, and couldn't wait for the nice chicken dinner... he gets home very late. I felt trapped. I'm waiting for him to come home. Waiting for him like my mother used wait for my father after she quit her job because she couldn't control what people said about her.
I sit, and do for him, and wait for him to get home. The red flag is - I feel trapped.
I am not trapped, however. This is a choice I am making. My mother decided that not only would it be easy to live vicariously through her husband and doll-child, as well as easy to rule over them (more easy than office workers and accountants), it would also be virtuous. Selfless chicken dinner cooking.It was a choice she made, god save us.God save me, who had to live with the weird fallout.
I love to cook dinner for my partner, because I love him, but I need I NEED to have these evenings be also mine. Force myself to forget about him sometimes, he who can really, actually cook his OWN dinner (he's done it for fifteen years without me!!) and won't be damaged. In fact, i should have cooked myself dinner and let him figure it out on his own. Tonight I felt trapped, but it wasn't him who was trapping me. I'm trapping myself, and exacerbating my soul problem.
This is something I need to work on.
Replies
Can you imagine loving yourself as you do your partner? I think that this love and care you give to him give you a self meaning. so it is your own self meaning that you work to establish through the cooking. This means that you have a voice in side of you that does want to be realized/actualized.
Here is another idea. Imagine cooking for him like you did the chicken and consider the feeling you will get when he arrives and begin eating ... then replace him with you ... like do a take 2 of the scene and see what happens.
I spent a number of years claiming to be the cook. It was great. I owned the kitchen it was my territory. Now days that is all gone. but for a while I lived nurturing and getting through my system to find out I could actually move it over and do it for myself. It can happen. the trapped is the obstacle they lies between your awareness of your self. It is scary crossing over but it is a joy when that connection happens. Life changing really.
& (((hugs))) right back :o)
That\'s a hard thing to do, imagine myself in his place. It\'s a really good idea though. I\'m going to work hard to keep that in mind. He\'s such a key goodness in my life. If I can love him, it can be practice for loving me!