learned behaviors/chicken dinners
I just saw myself doing something.
Worked all day, did my best, felt good. Arrived home around 5 after errands. Watched a TV show while putting a toy together for my partner's niece (who, I told the woman at toysrus, was MY niece), then cooked him a chicken dinner while eating an english muffin because I was hungry, and couldn't wait for the nice chicken dinner... he gets home very late. I felt trapped. I'm waiting for him to come home. Waiting for him like my mother used wait for my father after she quit her job because she couldn't control what people said about her.
I sit, and do for him, and wait for him to get home. The red flag is - I feel trapped.
I am not trapped, however. This is a choice I am making. My mother decided that not only would it be easy to live vicariously through her husband and doll-child, as well as easy to rule over them (more easy than office workers and accountants), it would also be virtuous. Selfless chicken dinner cooking.It was a choice she made, god save us.God save me, who had to live with the weird fallout.
I love to cook dinner for my partner, because I love him, but I need I NEED to have these evenings be also mine. Force myself to forget about him sometimes, he who can really, actually cook his OWN dinner (he's done it for fifteen years without me!!) and won't be damaged. In fact, i should have cooked myself dinner and let him figure it out on his own. Tonight I felt trapped, but it wasn't him who was trapping me. I'm trapping myself, and exacerbating my soul problem.
This is something I need to work on.
Worked all day, did my best, felt good. Arrived home around 5 after errands. Watched a TV show while putting a toy together for my partner's niece (who, I told the woman at toysrus, was MY niece), then cooked him a chicken dinner while eating an english muffin because I was hungry, and couldn't wait for the nice chicken dinner... he gets home very late. I felt trapped. I'm waiting for him to come home. Waiting for him like my mother used wait for my father after she quit her job because she couldn't control what people said about her.
I sit, and do for him, and wait for him to get home. The red flag is - I feel trapped.
I am not trapped, however. This is a choice I am making. My mother decided that not only would it be easy to live vicariously through her husband and doll-child, as well as easy to rule over them (more easy than office workers and accountants), it would also be virtuous. Selfless chicken dinner cooking.It was a choice she made, god save us.God save me, who had to live with the weird fallout.
I love to cook dinner for my partner, because I love him, but I need I NEED to have these evenings be also mine. Force myself to forget about him sometimes, he who can really, actually cook his OWN dinner (he's done it for fifteen years without me!!) and won't be damaged. In fact, i should have cooked myself dinner and let him figure it out on his own. Tonight I felt trapped, but it wasn't him who was trapping me. I'm trapping myself, and exacerbating my soul problem.
This is something I need to work on.
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