Leaning In....Again
As triggers continue to show up in my life, I feel really blessed as I am seeing them so differently than I did. They are helping me to understand not only my behavior, but my parents.
I have a friend who lost her son at 17 years old to cancer. I befriended this girl when her son was a newborn; we met at the bowling alley. Of course I took her under my wing being the co, caretaker, fixer I was. She was a single Mom, partied hardy, had her son out of wedlock, etc. Vicki to the rescue.
Anyway, over the years, I turned this girl in twice to DCFS (anonymously) as she would hit her son on the heard, jerk him around, leave him at night and go to the bar, etc. The fact was, she was not a good Mom. She was the baby of 7 kids and had no idea what to do with a child. It was hard to watch all this over the years, but as I said, "I was going to help her and fix it."
Skipping forward...Please know when I say the following, I KNOW IT IS ABOUT ME and I am not judging my friend; it's not my job. Andy passed when he was 17. Lately on FB my friend has been posting all these wonderful things about she and Andy's r'ship. He would be 28 now. It really triggers me because all I can think about is what a horrible mother she was to him.
Again, taking it into the silence, allowing all of it to surface, I recognized she was just like my parents and myself. When I started working where I am now, I had a client who would go on and on and on and on about what a GREAT person my Dad was. A stylist that worked with me had a client who when she found out I was my Mom's daughter, she was like OMG..your Mom loved you kids soooooooooo much. She just thought the world of all you kids, etc. Light Bulb! In my head, my friend is being a phony and of course, MY parents were being phony. I too have shared over and over I could spot a phony a million miles away because I was the biggest phony of all.
My friend has built a story around her life, my parents built a story around their life and I built a story around my life. Understanding this at a deep level, allows me to forgive; forgive myself and others. I think sometimes it's how we stay sane! Well, for me it was.
Fact was, I was not a great Mom (I do not say this to beat myself up and I have forgiven myself) but that being said, how can I hold my Mom/Dad hostage and my friend? We all do the best we can with what we have at the time.
Another story... You know the kids Dad is passing; he had told the kids he had a lot of regrets; he didn't tell them what they were, but he did have them. When they told me this, I said "you know, I have worked hard and long to get to where I am today and I really don't think I have any regrets. The more I thought about that, the more I thought that wasn't true and quite arrogant. So yesterday, I happened to see both of my kids and shared with them "Remember what I said the other day about not having any regrets? Well, that is not true. I regret I was not a better Mom. I am not saying this to punish myself or wanting kudos from you, but I realize it is a regret." They both cried, I cried. No words, just tears and hugs.
I am not sure what is going on inside of me, but something is taking me to a different place and there is a freedom happening I cannot explain.
Have a blessed Thursday everyone.
Hugszzzz!
I have a friend who lost her son at 17 years old to cancer. I befriended this girl when her son was a newborn; we met at the bowling alley. Of course I took her under my wing being the co, caretaker, fixer I was. She was a single Mom, partied hardy, had her son out of wedlock, etc. Vicki to the rescue.
Anyway, over the years, I turned this girl in twice to DCFS (anonymously) as she would hit her son on the heard, jerk him around, leave him at night and go to the bar, etc. The fact was, she was not a good Mom. She was the baby of 7 kids and had no idea what to do with a child. It was hard to watch all this over the years, but as I said, "I was going to help her and fix it."
Skipping forward...Please know when I say the following, I KNOW IT IS ABOUT ME and I am not judging my friend; it's not my job. Andy passed when he was 17. Lately on FB my friend has been posting all these wonderful things about she and Andy's r'ship. He would be 28 now. It really triggers me because all I can think about is what a horrible mother she was to him.
Again, taking it into the silence, allowing all of it to surface, I recognized she was just like my parents and myself. When I started working where I am now, I had a client who would go on and on and on and on about what a GREAT person my Dad was. A stylist that worked with me had a client who when she found out I was my Mom's daughter, she was like OMG..your Mom loved you kids soooooooooo much. She just thought the world of all you kids, etc. Light Bulb! In my head, my friend is being a phony and of course, MY parents were being phony. I too have shared over and over I could spot a phony a million miles away because I was the biggest phony of all.
My friend has built a story around her life, my parents built a story around their life and I built a story around my life. Understanding this at a deep level, allows me to forgive; forgive myself and others. I think sometimes it's how we stay sane! Well, for me it was.
Fact was, I was not a great Mom (I do not say this to beat myself up and I have forgiven myself) but that being said, how can I hold my Mom/Dad hostage and my friend? We all do the best we can with what we have at the time.
Another story... You know the kids Dad is passing; he had told the kids he had a lot of regrets; he didn't tell them what they were, but he did have them. When they told me this, I said "you know, I have worked hard and long to get to where I am today and I really don't think I have any regrets. The more I thought about that, the more I thought that wasn't true and quite arrogant. So yesterday, I happened to see both of my kids and shared with them "Remember what I said the other day about not having any regrets? Well, that is not true. I regret I was not a better Mom. I am not saying this to punish myself or wanting kudos from you, but I realize it is a regret." They both cried, I cried. No words, just tears and hugs.
I am not sure what is going on inside of me, but something is taking me to a different place and there is a freedom happening I cannot explain.
Have a blessed Thursday everyone.
Hugszzzz!
Replies
I can understand this. I understand the freedom that comes with seeing things from a completely new perspective and feeling a great pressure lifted from my shoulders as a result. I know you are dedicated to a loving and authentic prayer practice and I am imagining that you\'re holding your friend and yourself in the light right now. I admire your strength and commitment to personal and spiritual growth. As you\'ve often said... We/they are \"watching\".
Thank you for sharing how you are forgiving your resentments, and the healing by finally admitting your regrets a d letting them go back into the past, where they belong (not the present, or future). That is unconditional reality acceptance, from my viewpoint. You\'re a great spiritual teacher when you\'re honest about sharing the truth. I leaned a new step last week when I read, \"truth equates to usefulness\".
Thanks again, and MLHs (Many Loving Hugs)
When I was in my twenties and thirties I spent a lot of time feeling very angry towards my mum and dad for being really substandard parents. I learnt through my teaching job to see what real loving parents do. As a teenager I was my mums biggest supporter...I had her back through thick and thin. Lately I\'ve been struggling finacially and feeling trapped. It made me think how tough it must have been for my mum, suffering from clinical depression, a bad marriage, 5 kids, no joy in life, weight issues. Life was so tough for her. I guess the wave of compassion I learnt has lightened me. Putting away my judgement has too.
A lovely entry Vicki. Love you xxx
Thank-you everyone!
Lisa: I get what you are saying, but what has been happening to me has a feeling I have never felt before, There is deep, deep, deep acceptance of self and seems as though this is bringing about deep, deep, deep acceptance of others. I cannot explain the feeling other than when these triggers are showing up (these triggers have always been there) I do not judge myself for having them (I just allow them with no shame or guilt attached) and by doing this, it seems as if there is no judgment of those I have held in judgment. It\'s a feeling in my heart of deep palpable forgiveness.
Rich: Thank-you Rich. I try to be as authentic as possible. Help me understand that quote...I don\'t quote get it. And...as I always tell people, I really not blonde! :-)
Rosie: I always had my Mom\'s back and she treated me horrible. It took years and years and years to forgive her; but it has taken years and years to forgive myself. When I finally looked at my \'errors and mistakes\', owned them and worked at not projecting them, I then could see we were not far apart in our self hatred. Her abuse to me was physical, my abuse to my children was emotional; either way we take the Spirit out of our children. As I delt with my own confusion, my own self hatred, my own unworthiness, I can see clearly my Mom\'s self hatred was worse than mine. Somewhere in me, I have come to let myself off the hook and by doing so, I can let her off the hook. I am ready to see what is around the corner as I have a lot to be released. Keep on keepin\' on Rose!
Thanks again everyone!
Off for a 6 hr. IV for my RA...
Happy Friday
xo