Leaning
Yesterday's lean into the doubts, fears and grief didnae slow my progress on the new house any, nor disturb my rest significantly. Radical acceptance of the less pleasant emotions attached to this upheaval as valid and realistic helped me strengthen my faith that we can find our way through this tragedy, one step at a time. Letting the hard parts be hard in the long haul frees up my immediate resources for tending the fine details that get and keep a machine running.
With the furniture deliveries still pending, the arrangements are still makeshift, but I feel reasonably certain that if the children showed up today, I could have them up and running for school in the morning. I could, but I am grateful we have another week before the end of winter vacation. Five more days until the children are due back.
The 19 chicks in the angel room (the 5th bedroom) are growing beautifully and stinking like a poultry barn. At 6 weeks old, they are nearly half their adult size and wearing the mohawks typical of chicks when they start growing their head feathers. I regret having brought them into this equation. Finding the time to keep up with them, much less build them a coop is an on-going challenge. The coop the current flock of 11 hens and a rooster is designed to hold 25 chickens. Moving the new chicks into that coop will put the coop occupancy up to 6 chickens over manufacturer recommendations, but at present, it is sounding like my most realistic option. The irony here is that the chicks have thrived on the neglect. I have only lost one chick out of the original 20. It is my healthiest brood yet. Colorful eggs for Easter is looking like a realistic possibility. Maybe. Still cutting it awful close. Hens start laying *about* 6 months. They will be a few days more than 6 months old on this year's Easter on April 21st. We see what grows.
I'm bumping the mood indictor up to "Bad." The doubts, fears and grief seem to be processing well, but ^it^ is a bitter pill to swallow. More like a walk-in medicine chest of bitter pills. It's a big ol' owie.
Replies
You can lean on me Arfie.
Radical acceptance has often helped me in the way it has you but as you said “^it^ is a bitter pill to swallow”. I’ve found just because I’ve accepted and am “processing well” doesn’t mean ^it^ doesn’t still hurt like hell and bother me.
There’s so much in your plate my friend. Do what you can, what you feel is right for you. You know yourself best and I have confidence in you.
Hugs & love, Arfie
Agree with one step at a time, and pauses between steps can help too. Support and prayers.
I copied a sentence you wrote here into my own offline journal so I can try to attain it, arfie. "Radical acceptance of the less pleasant emotions attached to this upheaval as valid and realistic helped me strengthen my faith." I want to learn to have faith like that. Thanks for sharing yours here.
My analytical nature, reinforced by the chaotically comprehensive faith bashing of my childhood, obsesses over facts and proof, but all too often facts and proof are unavailable, incomplete and/or misleading. It was a long, hard battle, but my trail of tears has brought me to my knees often enough that I finally had to concede that faith and trust are a necessary ingredient in healing.
My personal definition of faith is, "That which gets me out of bed on the days I have zero proof any of ^it^ will be okay."