Okay, here\'s full disclosure: My daughter is mad at me because I\'ve violated her privacy. She feels she has a right to keep secrets and lie to me to protect her privacy. If I find out she\'s lied or find out a secret she\'s keeping, regardless of how or why, she is mad at me for it.
My first real \"transgression\" was when I was trying to get my computer to run faster and I was deleting stuff. I stumbled across sexting pictures of my then 13 year old. They were on my computer\'s hard drive. She was not completely naked, but the pictures were definitely bad. So I looked at her my space page and they were there, too. I violated her privacy. I think I had good reason to. She was 13 and I had a felony on my computer. Literally.
Then, about a year later, after REPEATEDLY asking her to clean her room and warning her that if she doesn\'t do it, I will; I did. There were at least 50 empty water bottles, several uneaten lunches forgotten in bags, a gallon of paint spilled on the top (unused) bunk (must have been about a year old, since she painted here room). I threw out several bags of garbage (and I don\'t mean stuff I thought was garbage but she didn\'t, I mean banana peals, packaging, trash already in bags but never thrown out) Her room stank and was a pig sty. Again, she feels I violated her privacy. I feel it was my house, I have a right to have it reasonably sanitary, and I gave her plenty of warning.
Then there was the lying. She\'s either a bad liar or I\'m a genius. I caught her at so many - and I wasn\'t even trying. I remember one time yelling at her - asking her why was she lying?? She answered with another lie. I called her on that one, too. I begged her to stop all the lying - she was about 16. So, I guess I didn\'t trust her completely by that time.
I always felt so stupid when I found out the lies because, even though I knew she lied, I would always be incredulous at how stupid the lies were.
One day, about 1/2 hour after cleaning up MY study, I found a notebook thrown on the floor. I opened it t see who\'s it was and saw a list of places and future dates and a website. I copied it. Partly because I just got a new all-in-one printer and I wanted to try out the copying feature, but also because I knew it was one of her secrets. I looked at the website, it was for couch-surfing. I couldn\'t imagine that she would actually do that, she was barely 17. But sure enough, 3 months later I came home and she was gone, left a note that she was going to bicycle around the country all summer couch surfing. Alone. Without money. Phone would be turned off. Well guess who had her itinerary? I found her the first night. That night the couch was at the shack of two 25 year old guys.
Senior year, things were going okay. One day she was sick and I went into her room to see how she was. It was a nice moment. I was feeling her head, asking her how she felt and she rolled over and then I saw the stupidest big tattoo ever on her side. Another secret. (and I didn\'t \"judge\" the tattoo then as stupid, I judge it after 7 years. Back then I was just pissed that a 17 year old got a tattoo without a parent\'s permission. Her other tattoos aren\'t stupid, but the first one I saw is a stupid, ugly, ridiculous tattoo.) I didn\'t even say anything except maybe, what\'s this? I\'m sure my disapproval was in my look, but I didn\'t SAY anything.
She moved out while we were at work wouldn\'t tell us where, etc. More secrets and lies. But actually, the secrets are in place of lies. If there\'s something she shouldn\'t do or something she thinks isn\'t what we\'ll like, she hides it because she isn\'t a good liar. Why couldn\'t she just tell us that she wanted to move out? We would have helped her pack! But instead, she had to do it secretly because she THOUGHT we would be mad.
She came back when she wrecked her car and couldn\'t pay her rent. She said she wanted to go to college. So everything went well for 4 years. We paid for college, paid for her apartments, bought her a new car, sent her on three study-abroad trips, etc., etc. She was on the dean\'s list for 7 semesters. She came home most weekends and I made her vegan soup. We baked together. I stopped checking her grades after sophomore year (a deal we made in the beginning). Senior year she spent her tuition money for the last semester and I had to give her another 3 or 4K for tuition (okay, that should have been a sign - but I\'m trying not to be the \"sign reader genius\" who always figures out what she\'s up to. I took her at her word, respected her privacy. ). Then came graduation. It was a nice ceremony, we went out with family. Then came the letter that said she didn\'t actually graduate. My husband got the letter, called her and asked her what was going on. She started to say something but he hung up on her. She stopped talking to me right then. Cut off her phone, etc without ever saying a word to me. I went to where she works and met her after work - yes cornered her, stalked her, whatever. I wanted an answer. I asked if she lied or if she didn\'t realize she hadn\'t graduated. She said, YES! I LIED! ARE YOU HAPPY, YOU ALWAYS CALLED ME A LIAR.
That\'s why she\'s estranged from me. Whole story. I know I wasn\'t perfect. I saw through her silly lies. I guessed her secrets. I\'m not some minor acquaintance that doesn\'t know her or care about her. I\'m not ever going to stop caring about her.
Now for the estrangement part. I think about her almost every waking hour, and even lots of sleeping hours, too. I want to die. I stopped caring about myself. Drinking is better than not. I\'d like to sleep all day, everyday. The big sleep sounds so good. I can\'t concentrate at work. I hate being home. I force myself to \"be normal\" for my other daughter.
Replies
Okay, here\'s full disclosure: My daughter is mad at me because I\'ve violated her privacy. She feels she has a right to keep secrets and lie to me to protect her privacy. If I find out she\'s lied or find out a secret she\'s keeping, regardless of how or why, she is mad at me for it.
My first real \"transgression\" was when I was trying to get my computer to run faster and I was deleting stuff. I stumbled across sexting pictures of my then 13 year old. They were on my computer\'s hard drive. She was not completely naked, but the pictures were definitely bad. So I looked at her my space page and they were there, too. I violated her privacy. I think I had good reason to. She was 13 and I had a felony on my computer. Literally.
Then, about a year later, after REPEATEDLY asking her to clean her room and warning her that if she doesn\'t do it, I will; I did. There were at least 50 empty water bottles, several uneaten lunches forgotten in bags, a gallon of paint spilled on the top (unused) bunk (must have been about a year old, since she painted here room). I threw out several bags of garbage (and I don\'t mean stuff I thought was garbage but she didn\'t, I mean banana peals, packaging, trash already in bags but never thrown out) Her room stank and was a pig sty. Again, she feels I violated her privacy. I feel it was my house, I have a right to have it reasonably sanitary, and I gave her plenty of warning.
Then there was the lying. She\'s either a bad liar or I\'m a genius. I caught her at so many - and I wasn\'t even trying. I remember one time yelling at her - asking her why was she lying?? She answered with another lie. I called her on that one, too. I begged her to stop all the lying - she was about 16. So, I guess I didn\'t trust her completely by that time.
I always felt so stupid when I found out the lies because, even though I knew she lied, I would always be incredulous at how stupid the lies were.
One day, about 1/2 hour after cleaning up MY study, I found a notebook thrown on the floor. I opened it t see who\'s it was and saw a list of places and future dates and a website. I copied it. Partly because I just got a new all-in-one printer and I wanted to try out the copying feature, but also because I knew it was one of her secrets. I looked at the website, it was for couch-surfing. I couldn\'t imagine that she would actually do that, she was barely 17. But sure enough, 3 months later I came home and she was gone, left a note that she was going to bicycle around the country all summer couch surfing. Alone. Without money. Phone would be turned off. Well guess who had her itinerary? I found her the first night. That night the couch was at the shack of two 25 year old guys.
Senior year, things were going okay. One day she was sick and I went into her room to see how she was. It was a nice moment. I was feeling her head, asking her how she felt and she rolled over and then I saw the stupidest big tattoo ever on her side. Another secret. (and I didn\'t \"judge\" the tattoo then as stupid, I judge it after 7 years. Back then I was just pissed that a 17 year old got a tattoo without a parent\'s permission. Her other tattoos aren\'t stupid, but the first one I saw is a stupid, ugly, ridiculous tattoo.) I didn\'t even say anything except maybe, what\'s this? I\'m sure my disapproval was in my look, but I didn\'t SAY anything.
She moved out while we were at work wouldn\'t tell us where, etc. More secrets and lies. But actually, the secrets are in place of lies. If there\'s something she shouldn\'t do or something she thinks isn\'t what we\'ll like, she hides it because she isn\'t a good liar. Why couldn\'t she just tell us that she wanted to move out? We would have helped her pack! But instead, she had to do it secretly because she THOUGHT we would be mad.
She came back when she wrecked her car and couldn\'t pay her rent. She said she wanted to go to college. So everything went well for 4 years. We paid for college, paid for her apartments, bought her a new car, sent her on three study-abroad trips, etc., etc. She was on the dean\'s list for 7 semesters. She came home most weekends and I made her vegan soup. We baked together. I stopped checking her grades after sophomore year (a deal we made in the beginning). Senior year she spent her tuition money for the last semester and I had to give her another 3 or 4K for tuition (okay, that should have been a sign - but I\'m trying not to be the \"sign reader genius\" who always figures out what she\'s up to. I took her at her word, respected her privacy. ). Then came graduation. It was a nice ceremony, we went out with family. Then came the letter that said she didn\'t actually graduate. My husband got the letter, called her and asked her what was going on. She started to say something but he hung up on her. She stopped talking to me right then. Cut off her phone, etc without ever saying a word to me. I went to where she works and met her after work - yes cornered her, stalked her, whatever. I wanted an answer. I asked if she lied or if she didn\'t realize she hadn\'t graduated. She said, YES! I LIED! ARE YOU HAPPY, YOU ALWAYS CALLED ME A LIAR.
That\'s why she\'s estranged from me. Whole story. I know I wasn\'t perfect. I saw through her silly lies. I guessed her secrets. I\'m not some minor acquaintance that doesn\'t know her or care about her. I\'m not ever going to stop caring about her.
Now for the estrangement part. I think about her almost every waking hour, and even lots of sleeping hours, too. I want to die. I stopped caring about myself. Drinking is better than not. I\'d like to sleep all day, everyday. The big sleep sounds so good. I can\'t concentrate at work. I hate being home. I force myself to \"be normal\" for my other daughter.