Lately
Hey guys! I have been gone for quite awhile, as you may or may not know. My anorexia has come back and is trying it's hardest to get me down. For awhile I listened to it but I am really trying my best not to let it get me all the way down. Since I've been gone I have gone to see a therapist once a week as well as a nutritionist and they've sorta helped but not really. I have told some friends speaking of which I told one today and it did not go well. He was accusing me over and over of being anorexic and I kept denying it and telling him nothing was wrong because he was approaching me so aggressively and even though I know he only wanted to help he did it in a very harmful way. when I resited admitting a problem he said, "fine then. if you want to have an eating disorder then go have one. Go fuck off and become a skeleton." It saddens and frightened me that people think eating disorders are a like swithces that can simply be turned off and on.
Any ways, I was in a play called Once On This Island which was fun although exhausting and I miss it but I'm still kinda glad it's over because it was so much work. Scholl has been terrible lately. My grades have fallen so far because all I care about is food and weight. My friends are so concerned that we're always fighting and being silent around each otehr because they don't know what to do. I feel like it's kinda personal, but I'll share my weight with you guys. I am 5'2 and currently, after being in recovery for a month, weigh 113. At my lowest I weighed **. It was a pound and a hlaf away from hospital admittance. As twisted as it was I wish I was back there. I guess I feel like I get more attention and love when I'm starving then when I'm eating frantically to keep myself alive. Pathetic but true.
Last but not least today I also had a complete meltdown. I was singing a song in the bathroom from "Little Shop of Horrors" called "Somewhere that's Green" and working on my belt and everythnig was fine. Then out of nowehre I panicked and threw the microphone on the floor and started bawling and crying. Today I've had a dannon light yogurt, fruit, puffins cereal, a luna bar, pretzels, and a 100 calorie pack of chocolate naimal crackers. My treat for the day was a bite and a half of banana pie. I hate that fucknig pie. I hate fucking food. I flailed all over and screamed and cried and looked in the mirror and sobbed and grabbed at all my fat and rocked back and forth. My mom was threatening to take me to the hospital. But I'm just so upset with my friend and the foolish way he reacted and just life in general I guess that I just can't deal.
Any ways, that's been my life lately. Comment soon, I can;t wait to her from you guys. I've missed you all.
Love,
Megan
Any ways, I was in a play called Once On This Island which was fun although exhausting and I miss it but I'm still kinda glad it's over because it was so much work. Scholl has been terrible lately. My grades have fallen so far because all I care about is food and weight. My friends are so concerned that we're always fighting and being silent around each otehr because they don't know what to do. I feel like it's kinda personal, but I'll share my weight with you guys. I am 5'2 and currently, after being in recovery for a month, weigh 113. At my lowest I weighed **. It was a pound and a hlaf away from hospital admittance. As twisted as it was I wish I was back there. I guess I feel like I get more attention and love when I'm starving then when I'm eating frantically to keep myself alive. Pathetic but true.
Last but not least today I also had a complete meltdown. I was singing a song in the bathroom from "Little Shop of Horrors" called "Somewhere that's Green" and working on my belt and everythnig was fine. Then out of nowehre I panicked and threw the microphone on the floor and started bawling and crying. Today I've had a dannon light yogurt, fruit, puffins cereal, a luna bar, pretzels, and a 100 calorie pack of chocolate naimal crackers. My treat for the day was a bite and a half of banana pie. I hate that fucknig pie. I hate fucking food. I flailed all over and screamed and cried and looked in the mirror and sobbed and grabbed at all my fat and rocked back and forth. My mom was threatening to take me to the hospital. But I'm just so upset with my friend and the foolish way he reacted and just life in general I guess that I just can't deal.
Any ways, that's been my life lately. Comment soon, I can;t wait to her from you guys. I've missed you all.
Love,
Megan
Replies
I totally understand all of the stress that you are under right now due to school and just life in general. Recovery is not an easy thing, as you have already learned and keep in mind that some days will be easier than others.
It\'s frustrating when people who are not knowledgeable about eating disorders criticize us for not eating. Of course your friend doesn\'t understand the complexity of ED\'s, and he probably only wanted to help you out because he cares for you.
You have no reason to believe that you are fat. I know that you have no control over your thought process, but when you are feeling so anxiety ridden about food and your body, take some time to breath and do something that will take your mind away from eating related issues. Personally, I love taking walks with my dog, reading, or coming on DS!
I hope your day tomorrow will be much better than today. Remember to think positively. Recovery will take a while, but I know you can pull through and break away from ED. You are such a strong, beautiful individual, and I have no doubt in my mind that you can do this.
Much love. xoxo.
Actress just said it all. ED at 15 is tough. I was at my worst when I was 15. I think it\'s because it\'s a tough age because your parents no longer understand you, pressure to fit in with peers, and getting used to high school. Just keep trying. We all have our bad days. Recovery is hard. I was recovered for 5 years but it took me 2 years to get there. When I was 16 I went to mhelp. I gained self confidence and learned alot about beauty and how to make myself took good. It wa then that I started my journey towards recovery.