Late night Contemplation

I don't really know what this is...is it venting or just me being sad or anxious? Maybe a bit of all of it. For every time you tried to show me how to be , you just pushed me further and further away from being who I really was. How could you do the things you did to me? How was I so bad that I deserved to be treated so harshly? So many questions plague my mind. You haunt me in my dreams and make me fear sleeping and what I am going to see. I see you in my dreams being kind to me then taking out your anger on me, I see you beating me and choking me, I see you slapping my face and slamming my head into things. Why can't my dreams be about peace...I fear with you I lost who I am...I don't remember who I was exactly but I remember I was so soooo much better of a person. Because of you I fear how people I am around are going to treat me. I don't know what to do about myself...I don't know if I should bring up feelings around people or leave most of them in...I don't know what I deserve in life....you showed me that I was Owned and Property...you always told me that I was...you would demand things of me and hold me to expectations I could never seem to reach no matter how hard I tried....I was so weary all the time and sick...you rarely met in the middle with me...if there was a fight I ALWAYS got to feel the outcome physically at least. I have flashes of you hitting me in the head....I see someone by me and flash backs come to me of you reaching out to slap my face or shove it into something. You were better than my first husband treated me but you knew already of the things I had to suffer with being with him....so why did you feel it was ok to do what you were doing to me...YOU KNEW! you knew how painful it was for me..you saw me everyday crying and in pain from what you were doing to me...yet you still said you had it harder cause you had to feel the pain of what YOU were doing to me. I was so very happy with you at the start....I had so much going for me...and then it was taken away and now I feel as though it could happen all over again to me. I had my goals and hopes and dreams ripped away from me when you started all this...when you would leave me alone outside in the dead of the night in the winter time to punish me with no contact with anyone...don't think I can forget that...or the times you would give  me bloody lips and noses and bash my head on things and choke me into walls. You make me sad...you make me sad thinking that I felt as if I deserved that and still have that feeling now...I want to feel I deserve better...I could never have children with you if you were going to do the same thing to them. I go through life now not fully understanding who I am or what I am supposed to accomplish , you took my family away from me by poisoning their minds with your deception and that hurts...you took things from me that can't be taken back.