Lately.

Well I don't really know what else to do, been feeling like everything around me has fell apart. Everything I have ever cared about, anyone who has ever mattered to me has disappeared. Starting to finally see that it's literally only me in this lonesome world. I have no trigger for going out & having fun whenever I go out I am literally the one who brings everyone down. I just hope some how I can feel happy at least once. It's been so fucking long since I heard some positive encouraging news most of the time that news has nothing to do with me rather me just being happy for someone else. I am such a loving person I don't understand why I have never met anyone with the same qualities. Seems like everyone is just out to take advantage of me & what I have & that's a major reason why I isolate myself from the world. I've been chewed up & spit out so many times I'm sick of feeling depressed. I am sick of never having anyone there for me when all my life I have stepped up & helped people gather themselves & help them up putting them into better position when the hell is my help gunna come around? Each, and everyday I wake up to the same broken hearted nightmare... Every single time I fall asleep she runs in circles around my brain & it hurts so bad because the minute I try to close mine I see her eyes & for ONE SECOND I see myself home.........I see a vivid picture of a family & finally being happy... & then it's darkness like a dash of reality it disappears along with the night & I am thrown back into the element that keeps me wondering why I keep living. Every morning I sit up & I ask myself...Is life worth living or should I end it now? Always in the back of my mind something laughing at the thought of me ever being happy again. When the ONLY thing that can make me happy is so far gone I can't even begin to imagine what it would take... & I'd do anything to get her back even if it's just to sit here & never do because I understand this is what she wants is me gone & away so this is what I will do be gone & away for good. I'll never hurt anyone this way & I will never have to fear of someone letting me down or abandoning me ever again...