Lately
Well well, I haven't journaled in a while. I've been quite busy ever since I fully recovered from last winter's depression. Not only did I have to catch up with a lot of academic work, I also had to gain back some kg (I lost about 10kg due to being on effexor, I gained back 4 by now which is fine) and re-connect with my friends.
None of this was a problem to me. In fact, I was flying high. I felt so driven and energetic, nothing seemed too big a problem for me to tackle. I contacted a lot of my professors and tutors, arranged to re-take tests (succesfully, I might add) and made deals so I could turn in essays and papers during summer instead of winter. Which led me to finally pass a 'winter' block that I had failed 2 years in a row because of my depression - with flying colors. The professor who co-ordinated the block even sent me an e-mail praising my determination and writing skills, and asked if I ever write a paper on his subject again, I would notify him to supervise. My study-advisor who helps me set up the deals with the university also praised my positive attitude and I've not only had tutors comment on my intelligence, this was also something noted by a couple of psychologists I've seen before I got to my current psych - they mentioned I might be 'gifted'.
Does this help, though? I see all my friends going through their studies with their own troubles, sometimes they fail, sometimes they pass, but mostly they move on to their next years without the amount of desperation I have to go through. Soon they will be two years ahead of me or even more. Then, when I'm still struggling to get my bachelor degree, they will leave town to get jobs. Then I'll be the oldest in my year, I've already seen all the texts and subjects before, there is nothing new to challenge me simply because I don't have the energy to finish what I started, and I'll be the only one left of my friend's circle.
That doesn't help either, though. Even though I think like this sometimes, and it scares me, I think I still have got what it takes to see this through. My old friends might leave in a few years, but we can keep in touch. And they aren't the only interesting people in this world. There will be new friends. And being smart does help. I can grasp things in a short amount of time, making it possible to catch up quickly, and convince tutors of my goodwill. When I first realised the scale of my seasonal depression, realising it took up at least a good 3-4 months of a year, I thought I would have to tune down my ambitions. No honours programme. No top 3% student. No position in the board of my student's association. And yes, I mostly have given up on these things. But other ambitions have come instead. I want to show that I can still perform academically on my own, that I can still participate in committee work in my association when I'm in my good period. My interest has turned to myself, wanting to learn for myself, develop myself, doing what's best for me, instead of trying to get positions that would elicit praise and recognition from others. Which, ironically, is exactly what has been earning me praise in the past months. So I guess I'm on the right track.
I still have problems with getting side-tracked though. It's hard for me to handle my independence. I think if my parents would have lived close by I would consider moving back home. It's frustrating since 'independent' is nearly my middle name. But it's nearly impossible for me to focus on fixing my academic and social life and keep somewhat of a household going at the same time. I will keep trying this year. But if I don't change for the better I think next year I will consider living considerably smaller or with a landlady. I used to think I needed space and independence and yes, that is what my personality is like, but in my current state I just can't handle it. It's only keeping me from my goals and undermining my health. I need to first be able the small but important things, before I take bigger steps. I need to make the things I take on smaller so my focus can get bigger.
Since I have finally passed that infamous 'winter'block, new subjects in my study are getting into sight. First there's the specialisation profile. This means you will go on to pick a specialised subject within my study and depart from the 'general knowledge' period that is the first 1.5 years and which everybody has to participate in. My interest is "Cultures of Knowledge and Technology". This means I will study technology as a social and cultural phenomenon. I think this is a thoroughly exciting subject. Not in the least because it's a relatively 'new' field, but also because you're constantly evaluating the social significance and impact of the newest technologies and inventions. This includes the 'mundane' stuff such as internet and virtual communities/games (like facebook and even DS) to artificial intelligence, gen/nanotechnology and complex technological systems. My aim this year is to definitely complete the 'general' period so I can start the courses on this subject next year.
After that it gets possibly even more exciting. There's a free semester that I'm allowed to spend whichever way I want as long as I get the amount of credits set. I want to study abroad for this period of time. Silently I've set my sights on a university in Tokyo, Japan, that my faculty has an exchange agreement with. The japanese society has very different roots and values than the western one, yet they have an almost even higher integration of technology into their culture. I really want to experience this for myself and see if this can be relevant to our own relationship with technology. I have to stop myself here though because this is still quite far away and I might not even get picked to go. But even the hint of the possibility in the back of my head makes all the struggles I've had so far and undoubtedly will still get, seem worth it.
That's all good and dandy, but in the period from may-june my ambitions kind of ran away with me. Life was so great and bright after my depression that it made me accelerate into a hypomania. As expected, I was completely unaware at the time, but I managed to recognise it when my friends pointed it out to me, so not all was lost yet. I was devastated though. Looking back on my actions, seeing how incredibly self-obsessed I was behaving, I felt like a clown and was deeply ashamed of myself. Nothing like a depression to make you realise the value of true family and friends, and the last thing I wanted to do was to distance them from me, or make them otherwise uncomfortable, yet this was exactly what I did - without realising. It also suddenly made the option of being bipolar a realistic one, when I had finally accepted living with SAD. It was like finally having decided I was going to eat my dinner even if it was completely yucky, and then it suddenly got covered in something even more disgusting. It was discouraging to say the least. I felt better when I talked to my psych though, who told me we're postponing that diagnosis until I get a second hypomania. At the time I thought, well, fine, if it's gonna happen it's gonna happen anyway, I'll just have to wait and see and live my life in the meantime.
Though, when about 1-2 weeks ago I was getting restless, bubbly feelings, that awfully reminded me of my first hypomania, I got slightly scared. I don't want it to be true. I thought summers were the only periods where I could function and be normal at last, I don't want to have those periods taken from me too. So I tried to keep myself calm and make it go away by ignoring it. Although in the past week I sometimes got slighty restless and hyper, it always went away again, and I don't think I'm hypomanic. I can still go into a shop without having the urge to buy something. I can still say 'no' to a guy who's coming on to me at a party. Yet, my drive is firing up again, and I've been having trouble sleeping. I don't feel the calm that I did a month ago. So I guess I have to watch out. At such times I wonder about my new ambitions. How excited am I allowed to get? I try to live my life as straightforward as possible and not let my condition influence my course of action too much, but what is the best thing to do? The truly wise thing? It's hard to tell sometimes.
I watched Stephen Fry's documentary "The secret life of the manic-depressive" (recommended btw). He asked nearly every person he interviewed that if they had the option to make their bipolarity go away, if they would do so. Most answered no. They could not imagine themselves without their mental illness, and even though it brought them a lot of pain, they also attributed a lot of their successes to it. The one woman who answered yes was the one who hadn't got bipolar until she was in her forties. She had had a rich and full life up till then and saw it all crumbling away before her eyes - and she couldn't do a thing about it. "I so bitterly resent manic depression.", is what she said. It was exactly how I felt a year ago about my depressions. They were taking everything away from me that was precious, nullifying everything that I had previously fought for. And even though I have accepted it now and can also see some positive sides to it, I would still want for it to go away. It's because I have faith in who I really am. I think without the depression I would be a very different person and I can't really imagine it, but I would still be able to be successful in life in my own right. I truly believe that.
It's no use thinking about it though. In the end there is no such option, and I have to make do with what I got, good or bad. I'm unwilling to set different standards for myself though. Despite my SAD I still want to perform at the level of my peers and possibly strive beyond. If this is a healthy ambition, I don't know. Again, what is truly wise? In the end I think it's best to stay as true to myself as possible, and I simply am annoyingly ambitious. With or without mania.
None of this was a problem to me. In fact, I was flying high. I felt so driven and energetic, nothing seemed too big a problem for me to tackle. I contacted a lot of my professors and tutors, arranged to re-take tests (succesfully, I might add) and made deals so I could turn in essays and papers during summer instead of winter. Which led me to finally pass a 'winter' block that I had failed 2 years in a row because of my depression - with flying colors. The professor who co-ordinated the block even sent me an e-mail praising my determination and writing skills, and asked if I ever write a paper on his subject again, I would notify him to supervise. My study-advisor who helps me set up the deals with the university also praised my positive attitude and I've not only had tutors comment on my intelligence, this was also something noted by a couple of psychologists I've seen before I got to my current psych - they mentioned I might be 'gifted'.
Does this help, though? I see all my friends going through their studies with their own troubles, sometimes they fail, sometimes they pass, but mostly they move on to their next years without the amount of desperation I have to go through. Soon they will be two years ahead of me or even more. Then, when I'm still struggling to get my bachelor degree, they will leave town to get jobs. Then I'll be the oldest in my year, I've already seen all the texts and subjects before, there is nothing new to challenge me simply because I don't have the energy to finish what I started, and I'll be the only one left of my friend's circle.
That doesn't help either, though. Even though I think like this sometimes, and it scares me, I think I still have got what it takes to see this through. My old friends might leave in a few years, but we can keep in touch. And they aren't the only interesting people in this world. There will be new friends. And being smart does help. I can grasp things in a short amount of time, making it possible to catch up quickly, and convince tutors of my goodwill. When I first realised the scale of my seasonal depression, realising it took up at least a good 3-4 months of a year, I thought I would have to tune down my ambitions. No honours programme. No top 3% student. No position in the board of my student's association. And yes, I mostly have given up on these things. But other ambitions have come instead. I want to show that I can still perform academically on my own, that I can still participate in committee work in my association when I'm in my good period. My interest has turned to myself, wanting to learn for myself, develop myself, doing what's best for me, instead of trying to get positions that would elicit praise and recognition from others. Which, ironically, is exactly what has been earning me praise in the past months. So I guess I'm on the right track.
I still have problems with getting side-tracked though. It's hard for me to handle my independence. I think if my parents would have lived close by I would consider moving back home. It's frustrating since 'independent' is nearly my middle name. But it's nearly impossible for me to focus on fixing my academic and social life and keep somewhat of a household going at the same time. I will keep trying this year. But if I don't change for the better I think next year I will consider living considerably smaller or with a landlady. I used to think I needed space and independence and yes, that is what my personality is like, but in my current state I just can't handle it. It's only keeping me from my goals and undermining my health. I need to first be able the small but important things, before I take bigger steps. I need to make the things I take on smaller so my focus can get bigger.
Since I have finally passed that infamous 'winter'block, new subjects in my study are getting into sight. First there's the specialisation profile. This means you will go on to pick a specialised subject within my study and depart from the 'general knowledge' period that is the first 1.5 years and which everybody has to participate in. My interest is "Cultures of Knowledge and Technology". This means I will study technology as a social and cultural phenomenon. I think this is a thoroughly exciting subject. Not in the least because it's a relatively 'new' field, but also because you're constantly evaluating the social significance and impact of the newest technologies and inventions. This includes the 'mundane' stuff such as internet and virtual communities/games (like facebook and even DS) to artificial intelligence, gen/nanotechnology and complex technological systems. My aim this year is to definitely complete the 'general' period so I can start the courses on this subject next year.
After that it gets possibly even more exciting. There's a free semester that I'm allowed to spend whichever way I want as long as I get the amount of credits set. I want to study abroad for this period of time. Silently I've set my sights on a university in Tokyo, Japan, that my faculty has an exchange agreement with. The japanese society has very different roots and values than the western one, yet they have an almost even higher integration of technology into their culture. I really want to experience this for myself and see if this can be relevant to our own relationship with technology. I have to stop myself here though because this is still quite far away and I might not even get picked to go. But even the hint of the possibility in the back of my head makes all the struggles I've had so far and undoubtedly will still get, seem worth it.
That's all good and dandy, but in the period from may-june my ambitions kind of ran away with me. Life was so great and bright after my depression that it made me accelerate into a hypomania. As expected, I was completely unaware at the time, but I managed to recognise it when my friends pointed it out to me, so not all was lost yet. I was devastated though. Looking back on my actions, seeing how incredibly self-obsessed I was behaving, I felt like a clown and was deeply ashamed of myself. Nothing like a depression to make you realise the value of true family and friends, and the last thing I wanted to do was to distance them from me, or make them otherwise uncomfortable, yet this was exactly what I did - without realising. It also suddenly made the option of being bipolar a realistic one, when I had finally accepted living with SAD. It was like finally having decided I was going to eat my dinner even if it was completely yucky, and then it suddenly got covered in something even more disgusting. It was discouraging to say the least. I felt better when I talked to my psych though, who told me we're postponing that diagnosis until I get a second hypomania. At the time I thought, well, fine, if it's gonna happen it's gonna happen anyway, I'll just have to wait and see and live my life in the meantime.
Though, when about 1-2 weeks ago I was getting restless, bubbly feelings, that awfully reminded me of my first hypomania, I got slightly scared. I don't want it to be true. I thought summers were the only periods where I could function and be normal at last, I don't want to have those periods taken from me too. So I tried to keep myself calm and make it go away by ignoring it. Although in the past week I sometimes got slighty restless and hyper, it always went away again, and I don't think I'm hypomanic. I can still go into a shop without having the urge to buy something. I can still say 'no' to a guy who's coming on to me at a party. Yet, my drive is firing up again, and I've been having trouble sleeping. I don't feel the calm that I did a month ago. So I guess I have to watch out. At such times I wonder about my new ambitions. How excited am I allowed to get? I try to live my life as straightforward as possible and not let my condition influence my course of action too much, but what is the best thing to do? The truly wise thing? It's hard to tell sometimes.
I watched Stephen Fry's documentary "The secret life of the manic-depressive" (recommended btw). He asked nearly every person he interviewed that if they had the option to make their bipolarity go away, if they would do so. Most answered no. They could not imagine themselves without their mental illness, and even though it brought them a lot of pain, they also attributed a lot of their successes to it. The one woman who answered yes was the one who hadn't got bipolar until she was in her forties. She had had a rich and full life up till then and saw it all crumbling away before her eyes - and she couldn't do a thing about it. "I so bitterly resent manic depression.", is what she said. It was exactly how I felt a year ago about my depressions. They were taking everything away from me that was precious, nullifying everything that I had previously fought for. And even though I have accepted it now and can also see some positive sides to it, I would still want for it to go away. It's because I have faith in who I really am. I think without the depression I would be a very different person and I can't really imagine it, but I would still be able to be successful in life in my own right. I truly believe that.
It's no use thinking about it though. In the end there is no such option, and I have to make do with what I got, good or bad. I'm unwilling to set different standards for myself though. Despite my SAD I still want to perform at the level of my peers and possibly strive beyond. If this is a healthy ambition, I don't know. Again, what is truly wise? In the end I think it's best to stay as true to myself as possible, and I simply am annoyingly ambitious. With or without mania.
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