last week

i dont know why i had to wait so long to write about last weekend, i wanted to just get it all  out of me but for somereason i was scared to analyse it. but know that eveything has sorta calmed down i feel like i need to just get it out of me.  for once its not really about my mom either, this time it was my dad who hurt me.  well anyways last weekend... soo i've been deppressed for a long time now, and a couple of weeks ago it got really bad and i started haveing suicidal thoughts, i just wanted the pain and the memorys to stop.. honestly i'm embarassed to adimit that it got that bad, but it did happen and i told my mom emidiatly after. well when i went to my dads house later for the weekend sometime saturday we started to have a fight over something, i cant really remember and he wanted to know why i didnt like talking to him the way the neighboors kids talked to there dad. my dad is not a nice person. my mom divoreced him because he was verbaly abbusive. and he hasnt changed, ive never felt safe talking to him about anything. he is the pinnical of parent hood, and he doesnt know how to talk to me without makeing me feel small and stupid and insignificant. my opponions dont matter in his house bacause i'm the teenager who only knows how to rebele and make bad disisions or so he says well he was just standing there yelling at me last saturday, all 6'2" of him towering over me. and finally i just exploded, and all i wanted was to hurt him the way he has hurt me so many times. its pathetic and stupid but i just coulnd take it. so i siad to him, "fine you want me to open up daddy, did you know that i have been depressed for over a year? did you know that last week i wanted to kill myself? and you never noticed, no one ever noticed me. i was so scared...." then i just broke down crying. it didnt matter anymore if i hurt him or not. i had finaly told him. i've never NEVER, let myself tell  him anything befor. but now i know it was a mistake to say anything. the moment the confession was out of my mouth he said "bull shit, dont lie to me laura. thats the biggest load of crap i've ever heard. why do you want to make so much drama, isnt life hard enough with out you makeing it harder on all of us. and what makes your life so hard? tell me laura what the hell makes your life so hard? your not depresses, your not suicidal, you have no reason to be. stop lying!" he wanted to know what i expected him to do, all i wanted him to do at that point was to hold me and tell me that i'm not crazy, that i wasnt mom and what i felt was okay. i want him to love me so bad and i feel so pathetic right now writeing this down but its true. i want hilm to look at me without hatred, i'm tired of feeling disgusting everytime he sets his eyes on me but i can handle all of that, i can handle him calling me names and i try not to listen to that. but this was diffrent somehow, i was asking for his help this time. i was asking for help and he put me down. i wasnt lying i swear i wasnt, i'm not trying to creat drama. i would never do that. i would never lie about being suicidal. it hurt me so much when my mom told me she wanted to kill herself becuase of me i would never joke around about something like that but then i dont know... maybe somehow in the very back of my mind all a really wanted was attention. i just dont know who to belive anymore. i dont know if i can trust myself, i thought i could.... but know a week later everything has calmed down. my dad, like everyother time just pretends that nothing ever happend. he made fun of me to his friends about it saying that  i was such a drama queen but otherwise its like the fight never happend. its so wierd, maybe it wasnt as bad as i thought it was, becuase i would think that if it was bad then he would at least remember it right? but agian i dont know. i have no idea what to think. right now i just want to paint. i dont really have anyother choice but to play along