Last Time Before Her Cruise

I went to my therapist this last Thursday – last time before her cruise.  This is published tonight because I’ve been so busy.  She’s leaving Monday (tomorrow) morning and will be back next Sunday night.  She’s meeting up with her son during that week who is now walking, hitchhiking and riding buses through Honduras with a revolution going on.  Then he’ll take a boat to Belize to meet up with her.  She’s going with her 2 sisters and step-Mom.  I asked her who’s sharing a room with who and she said she gets her own, her step-mom gets her own and her 2 sisters share.  She said they set it up that way so she’s just following along.  I teased her a little about her snoring – maybe that’s why.  She just smiled.  She asked me what I thought about the session on Tuesday with my husband.  She said she really enjoyed meeting him.  She thought he was more verbal than she thought he would be – especially for men in his field.  Very intelligent and knows how to communicate his feelings.  I said maybe he learned it from me – I’m very verbal.  But he can go off on tangents and talk and talk.  She said for me to be aware that he also felt not listened to and criticized.  I said I was surprised by that.  I said how I wish he was more fun about things.  She nodded.  He’s been better but I’ve felt so bad lately.  By 8 PM I’m so tired I can’t move.  She said I may have to make my kids aware of that about helping them moving (I was just there for a load).  I told her how I’m not completely better yet.  Getting better but not.  Still pain and fatigue and I’m not used to that – she knows.  I asked her how she handled it, I thought about her going through her chemo, and she said when she couldn’t do things she just didn’t.  I’m avoiding seeing the doctor hoping the anti-biotics I’m on will do the trick.  She said to watch that.  Maybe I’ll need to be seen.  No.  When I get off of it I don’t want it to get worse again or to get that C-Diff I did last time.  I’m OK pain wise right now, I take Advil, and as long as I don’t move.  I try to keep going doing things and taking walks but I get so tired.  I also have a bad taste in my mouth from the medicine.   I told her again, like I said on my message to her a few days ago, I’m not drinking very much at all.  So I can go hours without having to go to the bathroom.  I just went so I shouldn’t have to go during.  It’s kind of nice not having to go so much but I know that’s not good.  For diverticulitis that’s something you need to do is drink a lot – to flush everything out.  And I’ve gotten worse.  It’s even hard to swallow.  I don’t know what that is all about if it’s in my head or not.  I told her how I had my grandson yesterday morning, fed him breakfast and took him to school.  We played the grown-up dominos.  He is so good with me.  He’s an angel and very co-operative.  I didn’t tell her this but my daughter told me she told her sometimes kids who act out the way he does sometimes turn out to be bi-polar when they get older.  Is she kidding?  I’m really surprised she said that. Once she told me she doesn’t like labels.  My grandson has his problems because of the situation he’s in but he’s by far now or later to be bi-polar.  I’m hoping she didn’t say that in a negative way – just to get him help (which she is doing) so it doesn’t get like that later.  Labels are not good.   So I was going to tell her about today helping my kids move into an apartment that looks just like my best friend’s apt – the one that died.  Except my friend had 1 bedroom and they have 2.  I couldn’t do it at first.  I was about to cry.  I wanted to get back to it later.  She said that she’s sure it’s nothing she’d be shocked about.  No, not like that.  She said to get it over with.  I tried, couldn’t so we talked about other things and then got back to it.  I said how the guy in the waiting area told me today I’m his ray of sunshine.  But I don’t feel very sunshiny.    When I did tell her she said to use her within me in a positive way instead.  I said everything brings sadness – like where my granddaughter stayed for rehabilitation.  It’s hard – I don’t know how.  She said the way to work through grief is to go through it and out.  You can’t go around it.  And, now I have to go back there all the time.  She said soon it’ll look like their place with the toys and such.  She’s right on that but it’ll be so hard.  She apparently was very close to her Dad (who died last year) and shared how he is still with her.  I talked about my son how it doesn’t mean as much to him not seeing each other like it does to me.  She said yes, it’s like that with kids.  She asked me when I was his age and went away did my Mom feel the same way as I do?  Yes.  How did I feel?  I didn’t care.  Right.  Then I said who am I fooling about going out there and staying with him.  I can’t do that.  She didn’t know why.  I’m surprised.  Because of my problem.  She asked if I thought the facilities weren’t good.  No – how would I hide things.  I don’t want anyone knowing.  OK.  I was so much in tears on these things and others that she asked me if not feeling well is making me more upset than usual.  Yes, I think so.  It’s like – when will I ever feel back to normal?  I didn’t say but I don’t want to cry in front of her.  Maybe one day I will break down and I probably need to.  But I’m really scared.  Seemed today she just listened like she just knows these things – not as much of something I felt.  I said how I saw the person I know at the volunteer place – we hugged.  How I told them I could do more – I’m more skillful.  She even suggested maybe there’s some outreach program for me to do.  I listened.  She asked me what I did this time and told her I filed some micro fish and saw my parents name (others but I can’t say because of HIPPA) but only 2 little things were on it.  Too tiny to read.   She said how it’s interesting they had me do that.  I said yes, and get that box.  I guess she saw I wasn’t talking about it so she started.  About when she’s gone all next week.  It’s going to be almost 2 weeks until I see her again.  She said she’d do a phone message and started to write things down to say.  I told her how it’s not her problem, she deserves to go on this trip more than anyone.  It’s my problem.  I’ve never been this way and hate it.  It’s like a feeling of abandonment.  She asked like a child.  I said sort of but a different situation.  I also said (and she knows) how I can do it for others but not for myself.  She said her partner will be around and take her calls.  I didn’t say but I would not call her unless it was a real bad emergency.  I told her how there’s a lot going on and I never know if I’ll need her for something.  She wants me to find it within myself or other people but it’s hard to do that.  I’ve tried doing different things because the things I liked before I don’t as much anymore.  But it’s really hard.  I told her I bet I’m the only client of hers that feels this way.  The turned it into it’s good I’m in tune with my feelings.  I again said how much she sees my insecurities and I’m not like that on the outside.  She knows.  I did say how I hardly call anymore.  She nodded.  I said sometimes I just do because it helps me get it off my chest to move on.  I asked her if I needed to, could I while she’s gone?  She said I could.  She wouldn’t hear it right then.  I know, that’s OK.  That made me feel better. I didn’t say but it feels very stifling not to be able to say what I need to and know someone is listening.    When I was about to leave she said not to answer my phone – she’ll call later and leave the message.  I reminded her about the letter.  Oh, yeah.  She said she would do that, too she remembered.  But she has someone coming after me and will have to mail it to me.  She said to look for some mail.  OK and I made sure she had my address (once she didn’t call me all weekend long when I really needed to know something because she didn’t have my number at her home).  But they must have been late because she came into the massage therapist (I don’t think she even knocked) and handed it to her.  Maybe it was 10 minutes later.  My massage therapist said, “Oh, OK” and put it beside me by my arm telling me my therapist left it for me.  It was an envelope tucked in – not sealed this time with my first name on the outside.  The letter said:  Dear (My Name),  Remember how strong and resourceful you are and how many people care about you.  When feeling lonely, find something new that is interesting, call a friend or hug a grandchild.  Remember, you have so much to give & share with others.  See you soon  (her first and last name)  She asked me if I was going to see the other massage therapist while she’s gone.  I told her I was thinking about it but haven’t decided yet – I’m scared.  Scared of what?  Again, I’m surprised she didn’t know.  I had to start out and then she caught on.  It’s about me being afraid I’d be so relaxed I’d go to the bathroom.  She said about ½ hour and it’s 45 minutes and I’m fine with her.  I told her I wouldn’t do the hour.  She said if I did I could just tell her to let me know when it’s ½ hour so I can go.   I said how my massage therapist talks about going to sleep.  She laughed at that and told me, “You won’t fall asleep.  You can’t sleep at night!”  I told her how lately I have because I’ve been so exhausted.  She asked me what the worst scenario was.  Then she went on to say that I’d have an accident and everything there can be washed.  Does she know how embarrassing that would be?  Probably not.  She asked me what I do to not worry.  I told her I try to think of other things but still pay attention (she knows I mean to my bladder).  I did tell her I’m making too much of this, I know.  I just need to be aware of what’s going on – myself.    I asked her again about it really working on her.  Yes.  She even told me of someone who had really bad side effects from chemo and she suggested that to someone and they are not open to it.  It’s a shame.  It really helped her and her radiation doctor told her that she flew through all this the best he’s ever seen.  She said because she did everything for herself:  the creams, protein powder and such plus the hour healing sessions every week.  So, I need to give it a chance – I know.  I asked her how bad the chemo was because she did so great on the out side with it and she alluded pretty bad.  Not much sharing.  Also when I asked her if she felt like I do with the urgency with her bladder thing.  She wouldn’t answer.  She said I have something completely different and it would be like comparing apples to oranges.    About 45 minutes into the session I glanced at the clock.  She asked me if I wanted to go.  I said I didn’t have to – just worried.  Then about 5 minutes later I did it again.  She again said I should go.  I did this time.  I came back saying it’s all in my head.  What is?  Why isn’t she getting things today like usual?  Strange.  Then she commented that I didn’t go very much.  No.  She said that I felt like I needed to at the same time I usually do that maybe she should cover the clock.  I said no because I would be able to tell as time went on.  I also said that if I wouldn’t have gone I would have definitely gone before seeing the massage therapist.  I don’t want to take any chances.    I told her how nice it’s been not talking about my problem and not doing exposures but I know I have to get back dealing with it.  She said she thinks the next thing we need to work on is counting on myself within.  She probably got as tired about it as I did.  But it’s such an on going issue.  Break is nice.  I asked her if she heard the screaming last night.  Usually she says no but this time was a definite yes.  I told her it was my granddaughter.  She said she didn’t know which one.  I told her all that happened with the who rides home with who and how I tried, too with her.  She was like a madwoman.  My daughter says like the exorcist.  She gets red in the face and screams madly.  She gets like this sometimes.  I didn’t say but I think she escaped out the back door after not to be involved.  Can’t say I blame her.  When we were done she said, “OK Kiddo” and we ended.  I told her to have a great time.  I went into the massage therapist but back out again to say I’m getting a mint.  My therapist was there getting more of her drink and I said to her about the mint for the bad taste in my mouth.  She asked me if I’m seeing the massage therapist.  Yes.  I got it, unwrapped it, threw the trash away and went back in.  My massage therapist and I talked a lot today, laughed a lot today.  Very nice!  I told her I’ll be thinking of her – she’s going on a road trip Sunday through the next Tuesday morning (10 days).  She’ll be doing that, my therapist will be on a cruise and I’ll be here.  She said we will just rotate.  Next time it’ll be my turn.  I said, yes.  Somehow to get out to see my son.    Sometime after I got home I called the other massage therapist to set up times for the healing and massages for next week.  She was glad to hear from me and answered, “Hi, My Name”.  I told her my therapist gave me a coupon for a free 30 minute healing and I’d like to do that one day and a regular 30 minute massage the next day.  She was thrilled.  She remembered we did a healing once but I reminded her that was a little trial thing.  She asked me if was OK if she did 45 minutes with the healing to get the full effect.  I told her yes it was OK but inside I’m thinking – 45 minutes, I’m scared to do 30 minutes!  And, with my therapist we didn’t discuss 45 minutes.  I only said I wouldn’t do an hour like she does.    I knew my therapist was going to call my cell phone sometime later and leave me a message for the time she’s gone.  So I wanted to intercept it and ask her about this just for a moment.  I waited and waited and when I thought she was going to call all the times (between sessions) she didn’t.  I even got a phone call on my cell, a wrong number, and told this person I knew I wasn’t supposed to answer but can I ask her something.  We both laughed when we found out it was a wrong number.  So I left the house and knew she’d call at some point.  I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to talk in private since I was going to my daughter’s to babysit with others around.    7:24 PM she called from her office.  She must have been there late working before she left for vacation.  I answered, going into the bathroom, saying again that I know I’m not supposed to answer but I have to ask her a question real fast, that it OK?  She said sure.  So I told her I called the massage therapist and she wants to do 45 minutes because the healing thing would go better.  “You don’t mind, do you?” she asked me.  I said no but I’m thinking , “Yeah right 45 minutes!”  So I wanted to know if I have to tell her anything now.  She said to tell her to let me know when it’s halfway, 20 or 25 minutes, because I’m going to get up and run to the bathroom and I’ll be right back.  She said she’ll be perfectly fine with it, won’t be surprised and she’ll plan for it.  She told me that’s great – she’s so glad I did that.  Then I wanted to know again what to tell her – just like she told me that I’ve been having bladder issues.  She said to be real general and I have to mention this and the diverticulitis.  I wanted to know if I could say that I’ve been having and not tell her about a long history.  No, no long story.  She said how proud of me she was, told me to enjoy it and not answer my phone when she calls back.  I told her I won’t and have a great time.  She said to have a good week and I said you too.  Very nice, very short and she gave me my answers and made me feel good about calling.  We hadn’t talked about 45 minutes before – just 30 minutes and the fact I sure didn’t want to do the whole hour.   So then she called back 7:27 PM with a great message for me to listen to whenever I want to for the week.  It recorded at 7:29 PM so I guess it was about 2 minutes long.  She’s so very nice to do this and here’s what she said:  Hi (my first name), it’s (her first & last name) I hope you’re doing well and I hope that the week is going along and where you’re feeling a little bit better each day.  Keep focusing on what you, how you want to feel and how you want to improve a little bit every day.  Hopefully you’re finding some interesting things to do or maybe trying something different and remember that, when you have to face something that’s the unknown, that it’s only scary if you make it big.  See if maybe you can make it kind of small or curious or interesting.  And, it’s only in how you think about it.  So I know how much you like new things or to try something that’s out of the ordinary or to visit new places.  Hopefully you can approach anything new that might come your way in that same way.    Also remember how many people you have in your life who care about you.  Your family, your kids, your grandkids and all the ways you can help yourself feel their love and feel connected to them.  So, again, I think the week will go fast and I hope that you’re doing well and that you really enjoy your energy session.  And most of all, take good care and I’ll look forward to seeing you when I get home.  Take care.  Again, very nice message and very nice of her to do that.  I’m thinking when she said about feeling a little bit better each day and how I want to improve each day she meant health wise with this diverticulitis.  I don’t think she meant mental health in general but it could be, too.  Of getting out of this boredom and feeling abandoned when she’s gone.  Because that’s so crazy when I think about it!  She did say about finding interesting things to do and how I like to try new things   Also about not making things big.  I make this whole thing about her being gone big.  I know I do.  I’m just afraid something will happen and I’ll need her and she won’t be here.  I’ve never been like this.  I’ve always been so independent.  I hate this so much and hope this phase passes soon.  I know she’ll be gone again for her reconstruction surgery in the winter.  I’m very lucky she’s been so healthy through her illness for me, and most importantly for her, and hopes she stays that way always!