Last Meeting Before Our Trips

Today was the last meeting before our trips.  She leaves Saturday and I leave Monday.  She comes back the follow Sunday and I come back on Friday.  We are both going to the same state but she is going to the northern portion and I’m going to the southern portion.  I asked her if she’s excited.  Yes and commented about so much to do in preparation.    When I came in and she commented I had black pants on and thought it was on purpose for some agenda of mine.  No, and in fact I don’t have to go to the bathroom.  Yeah!  I was so glad.  I told her how hard those were for me.  So she commented we have more time now and wondered if we were not going to walk any where or such.  No, but I may want to walk around the building (it’s raining outside) when I need to go.  Just a little.  I gave her my bag of extra clothes and told her to put them away – I don’t want to see them.  She said we’ll leave them out for later if we need them.    First I called my son and she started my letter to me as I talked.  When I hung up she commented that it was a good conversation.  Yes and how I’m so excited and can’t wait to see him but I know it means so much more to me than to him.  Yes.  Then we talked about a few other things before my worry cards.    First about my kids with colds and she said they shouldn’t come over with them before our trip.  To do my granddaughter’s birthday another time, after we get back, and they can have their own little celebration.  My daughter’s boyfriend came today to drop off her presents for me to wrap and he sounds like he has a cold.  My daughter hasn’t said by my therapist said she probably doesn’t want to tell me.  Right.  She said she takes Zycam (some sort of pill) and green tea and takes a bath in Epson salts to get rid of all the toxins when she feels like she’s coming down with something and then it doesn’t happen.  She also mentioned zinc and getting plenty of rest.  I told her my throat was starting to hurt and hoarse yesterday and I’m so tense with my work and all.  She said I could tell them that (about my throat), and it wouldn’t be lying.  Then I told her about the breakfasts too, this coming Saturday and Sunday.   Then I told her I talked to my cousin and he laughed when I told him about our aunt.  How we have to play everything by ear about dinner and he said she’s starting to go through nurses again.  And I really have only seen him 2 times and I thought he was more sarcastic but with my aunt and her previous issues he wasn’t but yesterday he was a little about the baseball teams.    Then I told her about my son telling me about a maybe girlfriend yesterday and I know the family.  It’s funny how boys do it – not like girls who just come out with it.  When I told her the story she said it was cute.  I also said about one of the baseball players he played on the same league with when he was a kid and 2 guys he works with knows this baseball player well and he promised them tickets to the World Series.  Then I told her I had to cancel my doctor’s appointment and they can’t get me in to see her until late January but I’ll do my mammogram and ultrasound the Tuesday after I get back.  She wondered why I see her – she’s watching something (cysts - ?) but I really don’t need to see her, just get the tests.  She said she doesn’t see her anymore – not even for follow–up visits.  The plastic surgeon will do her reconstruction.    So next I did my worry cards.  I said some of them are embarrassing and some anyone would worry about a little.  And there are degrees to them.  But they are what they are.  She knows.  So I read them off.  I told her I’m so organized I have them into 3 categories:  about my problem, things and people out there and back here in which there are only 4 of them.  I laughed and looked at her when I said what I look like when I have to go badly.  She laughed back saying, “It is what it is,” in a good way like that’s OK.  And I almost started to cry when I said about saying good-bye to my aunt and son.  Before I read them she also said something about a terminal cancer patient taking pictures in her mind to savor every minute of her good experiences to remember them all.  That’s what I should do.  After I read them all she asked me if I was ready to put them in the box and how that felt.  I told her I don’t want those worries anymore.  I want to get rid of them.  But I know putting them in a box won’t get rid of them completely – I’ll still think of them and worry.  I put them in the box, she said “Yeah!” and took the box and put it on the shelf for the from lady to watch over them and keep them safe.  Like now I can go on my trip worry free!  We talked about little things here and there.  About having my extra clothes with me at all times.  And how I haven’t packed yet (hard to think about) but will tomorrow – Friday.  I said it’s so easy for me just to say I don’t need them and not bring them (the protections).  She said, “Then you’ll have to buy them out there.”  “I’m not buying them out there!” I shot back.  With people around me!  She commented on my reaction to that.  Well … I guess I’ll just have to bring them.  I said how pants are heavier than shorts in my purse plus all the extra things I’ll bring.  I’ll come back with my shoulder all weighted down.  She asked me what kind of material the pants are that I have on.  A little lighter than jeans.  We also finished the letter together that she was writing.  The first part was basically to enjoy my son and she said she started on this first because that’s the most important part.  She said to try to even play along with what he tells me.  I told her he’s going to try to want to change everything about me.  The second part I said about dealing with the people and conflicts.  We said things together while she wrote.  The third part she said about accidents.  She wanted to know how to word it.  I asked because in case someone finds it and reads it?  Yes.  I said to say ‘in case something happens’.  I asked her again how many accidents she thinks I’ll have.  She smiled and said maybe one a day.  But she doesn’t want to say for sure – just for packing and knowing what and how much to bring to plan for.  I said I may have more than that (she shook her head yes) - or maybe none at all!  She had commented earlier how I’m a good planner and I’m prepared and I know what to do.  When I read the worry card about being afraid because I may not go when I need to I said I have to keep thinking of what she said last time about making it a deal that I won’t do that – like on the plane.  We got to the last part of the letter and she wanted to know how to end it.  I said about having a good time and thought of some of the phrases she’s told me in the past.  I complimented her because she has a way of putting things in the positive.  I want to say negative things like I don’t want to feel the shame or like I’m a bad person.  But she says something about my brain not being able to hear the negative and she can rephrase it in a positive way. That’s very good.  But I needed to go to the bathroom and told her so we finished when we got back.  She asked me what I wanted to do.  I wanted to just walk around inside because we can’t go outside because of the rain.  She asked me if I wanted to take the bag with my extra clothes that were still on the floor next to her drawer.  I said I didn’t want to but reluctantly said yes because I knew I should.  But I asked her to hold it.  She did.  While we were leaving I commented that I didn’t see my man friend today.  She said maybe he has a different schedule.  We first went down the hallway upstairs.  I asked her if she’s going to do fun stuff, too on her trip.  She said yes, but it sounds like it wasn’t decided all yet, and also she’ll see family.  I asked her if she stays with her mother-in-law.  Yes and her brother-in-law.   She asked me if I wanted to go downstairs.  Yes.  We were just starting to go and we saw the chiropractor who saw us (or her) and asked her if she’s taking a walk.  She replied yes – friendly to him.  I just kept walking down the stairs in front of her and he was in back of her walking down as well.  He commented that he’s not following us but he was taking our same path just behind us when we were now going down to the basement level.  She commented to him that she bets he’s going down to the vending machines.  He was.    So we walked down the hall downstairs where the bathroom was and the office down there.  The door was open this time.  She asked me if I wanted to go.  No, not yet.  They saw us, I think there was a guy (she later told me he was the chiropractor, too) and 2 girls, and the guy asked if we needed any help.  My therapist just said we were walking around.  “Just exploring?” he asked.  She said yes.    So when I said no to the bathroom we walked back down the hallway but I said to wait because I wanted to be sure the chiropractor was gone out of the lobby/vending machine area.  She must have seen him go up the stairs (I didn’t) because we went in the little lobby area and he wasn’t there.  I looked like I was really needing to go and said, “I better go.”  She starting handing me my bag just in case.  No, I didn’t want it.  I didn’t say but that bag of clothes is a reminder of accidents and thinking I can’t make it and will need it.  Kind of like the protection as a crutch.  But yes, it’s very handy if I need it.  I just don’t want to need it!    I went to the bathroom and she said she’d wait for me.  I don’t know if anyone from that office saw me go in and out or not.  I came out, she was farther from the steps this time in the little lobby area, and she asked me how I did.  Good!  Yeah!  We walked back up the stairs, me first, and I said it was good with real people around.  She didn’t say anything.  I then commented how soon we’ll know everyone in the building.  She said how it’s a small building.  But not much talk, if any, again the rest of the time into her office in which I went first this time.  I noticed she was slower on the steps this time.  Hope she’s OK.  Or, maybe because I’m slower when I’m about to have an accident, or having an accident, and this time I didn’t.  We got back into her office, and by the way, the massage therapist saw us both times I’m sure – didn’t say anything but I wonder if she asks my therapist later.  My therapist asked me how that felt.  Good – really good.  She said, like I did, how it was good with people around like a real life situation – asking us what we were doing.  Yes.  And she’s glad I decided to go when I did and not push myself to go back upstairs.  Yes.  She also said I was calm about it.  So then we got back into finishing the letter and ended with a have fun type of thing at the end.  She asked me if I wanted an envelope with it – it’s up to me.  Didn’t know but then said yes, and she got me one.  Here’s the letter:  Dear My Name,      I hope you are enjoying your trip and most of all cherishing your time with My Son.  This time will pass quickly so don’t miss a minute and create memories you can picture for the rest of your life.      When conflict occurs (it will) remember that you are dealing with some challenging personalities, stay calm, use humor, use distraction, change the subject, engage the angels, don’t take it personally, let it go!  Know that they love you and they appreciate you.      If something should happen its OK, I’m a good person, I did my best, it’s over now, people still like me, everyone has their thing they deal with.  Stay in the moment.  Enjoy it all! Her Name  After this I shared with her what I wrote down on a card from the Dr. Oz show.  It was why women need to go to the bathroom more than men do.  First of all their bladders are smaller.  They hold about 15-16 oz and men’s about 18-19 oz.  I told her mine isn’t any where near that when I need to go.  I remember from the study I did.  She asked me how much.  About 4-6 oz.  She said that’s 10 oz less.  I said about a third.  I did tell her I think it’s more than that now.  She told me that’s good.  I said he said how the uterus is pressing right on the bladder and also childbirth but I don’t know for me because I had all mine c-sections.  Then about fat that if we loose 10% it would be better.  She said I can’t afford to do that.  I said about my fat – she said no.    Then I drew on the back so she could see it better.  The bladder, urethra and muscles next to it at the bottom on each side.  I said that I guess my muscles aren’t very good.  I think she said about strengthening them.  Then she said it’s not only the muscles but the spasms I get.  Right.  The last he said was about overactive bladder (I think that’s what I have) and something about staying away from citrus and spicy foods.  She asked me if I could write in and ask a question.  I guess I could but what would I ask?  She said something that pertains more to me.  Like how I’ve tried 4 medicines and they don’t work if he has any suggestions.  I commented how yes – like it might be neurological.  Maybe I could do that.  Then we talked about while she is away.  I told her I’d like her to do 2 phone messages.  One for the 4 days before I go and then one for the trip.  She was going to do the trip one tomorrow but she said she could do them right in a row.  That’s good because I don’t want to bother her.  She said once she’s on vacation she’s gone.  But really also because she’s afraid she’ll forget.  So, she’ll do the 2 phone messages right after I leave but I should only listen to the 1 now, and the other later after I leave.    Now … while I’m out there.  And it’s just the 5 days and not the weekend before or after.  She said I can call her cell phone but know that we can’t always connect.  I know that.  We will both be with people.  I asked about just needing to talk and not have her call me back.  She said I can do that but to say to call me back on the message if I need her to and leave a phone number.  I said she can see it on her phone and she said no – she’s not good with technology like that.  She said something about not remembering (maybe the phone numbers or not remembering to do something) and I said it sounds like me what she just said.  When I have to go to the bathroom real badly I can’t remember anything.  I wanted to be sure she’ll listen because (I didn’t say) but once or twice I needed her to call me back and she didn’t listen until way later.  She said she would.    I asked her about her calling me and trying to figure out when.  I said about Monday when I get out there and Friday when I leave.  And then I said maybe the every other day Mon/Wed/Friday like my other trips (every other day).  She said it’s hard to pinpoint a time to know.  She told me it’s like saying to me that I’ll need to go to the bathroom at 1:00 on Monday.  Just can’t do it.  I know.  I said that maybe she’ll see someone needing to go to the bathroom real bad and think of me and then call.  She said it’ll all work out.  Something about things in the universe will work out and I need to trust that.  Like that would be a good thing for me to do – trust.  She does take her appointment book with her on her trips.  OK.  So I’ll call her when I need to – talking directly to her or not – and telling her to call me back if I need her to.  She’ll try to call me when she thinks of it (leave a message if she doesn’t get me) and everything will all work out.  I told her how I hate being like this.  I’m really a very independent person, like to do things myself and not bother anyone.  I think she knows.  She told me to go to my massage therapist so she can make these phone calls and not to answer my phone.  I didn’t.  She called at 2:57 PM and 2:59 PM.  We said bye and told each other to have great times and she’ll hear all about my trip when I get back.  She seems really glad I’m going.  And to see my son – the best of all!  I said a couple times how excited I am to go and I can’t wait to see him.   I even asked her how she does it – how does she leave.  I told her, almost in tears, that I know I’m going to fall apart like at the train station.  With both my son and my aunt – unless they get me so mad I want to leave as fast as I can.  She just says it’s hard and alluded that it’s OK to cry and be upset.  A couple minutes after I got into the massage therapist she knocked on the door and said she had a note for her.  It was something about knocking on her door for a client.  I guess she didn’t want her to leave after me.  After, my massage walked all the way out to the waiting room with me – like walked me out – she doesn’t usually do that.  It’s a good thing I hadn’t had an accident before and my pants were wet like they’ve been a couple times.  She would have noticed for sure and that wouldn’t have been good.  Not at all.  Now I’m worried because I can’t find my little index card that I wrote that bladder stuff down from the Dr. Oz show.  Did I leave it in the massage therapy room (I hope not!) or drop it on the parking lot (I hope not either)?  I didn’t have my name on it but if I left it in the massage therapy room she’ll know it’s mine.  She can’t find out anything – she can’t!  Here are the 2 messages.  They did seem a little rushed and not as ‘something’ like the other ones.  I’m sure she had another client next.  I am so greatfull she does them, I really am.  I’m so greatfull I have her as my therapist.  This first one is for before I leave:  Hi My Name, it’s Her Name.  I know you’re getting ready for your trip and I hope that you’re staying focused on all the good things that are gonna’ be happening.  Just be realistic about what you need to pack and do it just in case you need it so you don’t have to buy things out there but realize it’ll feel so good to be prepared and just have what you need.  Mainly though focus on all the good things you want to experience – maybe picture, you know how you want it to go and how you want the relationships to go and just enjoy getting excited because you deserve that.  That’s really what you’re, why you’re doing this.  So, have a great time and do the packing quickly but get everything in there that you need.  Take care and I’ll talk to you soon.  Bye now.    Here’s the second message for when I’m out there:  Hi My Name, it’s Her Name.  I know you’re out there in The State and you’re starting your adventure and hopefully it’s going well but even if it doesn’t remember why you’re there.  Remember if there’s little glitches that happen, remember why you’re there which is to connect with the people you love, which is to have a good time, just to see beautiful scenery.  There’s going to be unexpected things, both good and bad.  Hopefully more good than bad but you’ll know how to handle it.  And just make great memories.  Take everything in.  Notice the smells and the sights and the colors and just, you know, what Your Sonny looks like and the even your aunt – God love her – you know.  Just really enjoy your entire time.  Let anything go that comes up and we’ll have a chance to talk about all the details when you return.  Just make lots of great memories.  Take care.  Have fun.  OK … now the trip is very soon.  I have to use what I have learned through all our sessions and the gifts of the letters and messages she has given me.  I have to try to do this on my own and not bother her on vacation as well.  I’ll try my best but if I get really upset I know I’ll need to call.  It may be just to talk or it may be that I need some support.  I feel so lucky to have her as my therapist.  I hope everything goes as smoothly as it can.  It’s funny we are going to the same state.  At least we won’t have to worry about time zones if we need the phone calls.  And, again, I hope she has a great trip, too.