last chance
I feel helpless, as many people have said on here. I thought I was doing "well" a few weeks ago when I put together a nice little period of time without gambling... well the result in the last 4 weeks or so has been way worse. I am sliding, I am in so deep I am borrowing from anyone possible. I had payday loans all about to crush me, and so I came up with a story to borrow some money from a client and I have proceeded to turn around and lose almost all of the "bailout" money gambling again. I have said so many times recently, I am done, thats it, I have to quit etc etc and yet a few days later I am scrambling some money together somehow some way to lose some more. The worst part is when I win a little at the casino to start... I was hoping to get in and get out quick today, just wanted a few hundred extra to pay down my cc and leave me with some "extra" - what extra for? Why of course to go back another day, who am I kidding? And my wishes came true, better than I could have hoped, I was up way more than I could have hoped for without even spending much money, sonner than I even expected, and yet then I thought that I was lucky and I had some money to burn so I could just keep playing, went to some different games and quickly started slipping slipping slipping away. Once I had "lost" a few hundred and I was only "up" a few hundred, I had to chase and get back again, same old same old story everyone has heard a million times right? I went from being up 800 to losing 900.
The worst part is that I feel like my life is shit, and I kinda know that gambling is a big part of the reason I am where I am today, and yet I feel trapped, immobile, like I cant do anything about it, the only thing I feel like I can do is gamble and try and keep some false hope, some false dream alive. I made myself sick I stayed so long today, I was starving, and freezing cold, and my feet hurt and I just kept standing there and standing there giving it all back and then emptying my pockets and then my bank account. I hate my job, I have no motivation right now, and the fact they cut me back to part time hours is stressing me about money but also giving me extra time to waste too, a lethal combination. I dont even see a light at the end of the tunnel right now. If I dont gamble for the next 4 weeks I will be better off than if I gamble, I am sure, but at the same time I can't see a time in the future when I wont be up to my ears in debt, barely able to pay my bills etc. It feels hopeless. On top of that my relationship is shit, and I dont know if I can blame gambling for that but I know it sure doesnt help. My wife is kinda crazy and treats me like shit a lot, do I feel like I deseeve it? Do I think I just wont be able to afford to live on my own again without that support? I dont really have many friends or much of a social life anymore, my finances are shit, I dont like my job and dont feel respected anymore since they promised me a raise and then have gone back on their word, and my wife and I are constantly fighting. I really feel like I would rather die than keep on living. I was actually thinking if I could commit suicide by gambling I would, if I was addicted to drugs I would try and OD to get a way out of dealing with everything. I am just so sick of this, constantly struggling with myself, with my own self loathing. I have so much to offer but it seems nothing I can give is worth anything to anyone else, I had so much potential growing up, and I have accomplished nothing. I will be 32 soon and I feel like life is over for me.
The worst part is that I feel like my life is shit, and I kinda know that gambling is a big part of the reason I am where I am today, and yet I feel trapped, immobile, like I cant do anything about it, the only thing I feel like I can do is gamble and try and keep some false hope, some false dream alive. I made myself sick I stayed so long today, I was starving, and freezing cold, and my feet hurt and I just kept standing there and standing there giving it all back and then emptying my pockets and then my bank account. I hate my job, I have no motivation right now, and the fact they cut me back to part time hours is stressing me about money but also giving me extra time to waste too, a lethal combination. I dont even see a light at the end of the tunnel right now. If I dont gamble for the next 4 weeks I will be better off than if I gamble, I am sure, but at the same time I can't see a time in the future when I wont be up to my ears in debt, barely able to pay my bills etc. It feels hopeless. On top of that my relationship is shit, and I dont know if I can blame gambling for that but I know it sure doesnt help. My wife is kinda crazy and treats me like shit a lot, do I feel like I deseeve it? Do I think I just wont be able to afford to live on my own again without that support? I dont really have many friends or much of a social life anymore, my finances are shit, I dont like my job and dont feel respected anymore since they promised me a raise and then have gone back on their word, and my wife and I are constantly fighting. I really feel like I would rather die than keep on living. I was actually thinking if I could commit suicide by gambling I would, if I was addicted to drugs I would try and OD to get a way out of dealing with everything. I am just so sick of this, constantly struggling with myself, with my own self loathing. I have so much to offer but it seems nothing I can give is worth anything to anyone else, I had so much potential growing up, and I have accomplished nothing. I will be 32 soon and I feel like life is over for me.
Replies