Laparoscopy Tomorrow
Attempting this thing called taking it one day at a time - it's so hard for someone who structures their life to a tee.
Tomorrow I have my laparoscopy which will bring so many answers (hopefully) if not not sure what I'll do...probably go back to disregarding it and living with pain.
I've been up and down like a rollarcoaster for over a good week now, I've had spurts of confidence which follow closely by lows. My mum has been ringing me every night to make sure I'm ok and my dad well I havnt said much to him because I know my mental state upsets him no end (he feels helpless).
I'm still so unsure about my studies - the universities emailed me back saying the best way to get in is to build up my studies (so work hard) at other universities to see if there is a place for me mid this year or next year. But I don't work well with failure or dissapointment and I still wonder if I should continue considering I was rejected this year.
I'll be 20 this year and I dont want to waste my time if I can't get in but I dont know of any other way? All I've ever wanted was to be a primary school teacher - I'm not business orientated, im not science orientated or mathematically orientated....So I'm confused.
I'm hoping that seeing my new psychologist on Wednesday will help me with clarity. Everyone keeps saying "just keep going, do this year if it doesnt work out choose another direction" - Since I have NO confidence what so ever I feel like I'll waste this year and have even less direction at the end of the year! =(
I feel pretty low and mostly I hate Sundays where it means the begining of another week where I have no clue where my life is headed. I feel like if I dont get into this course I'm a failure to myself, my partner and my family....when in essence I know they just want me to do what makes me happy - thing is I'm unsure anymore what that is.
I love him more than anything - and he knows this. He can see what this is doing to me and doesn't know how to handle it. He encourages me to try and finish my studies and tells me next year if it doesn't work out it isnt the end of the world, I can try something else. Im terrified and scared of dissapointing him - he is such an amazing support and an amazing person to me.
I compare myself to everyone - if I drop out what will so and so think of me, how will they react, what a dissapointment to myself etc.
Where I was studying I loved the degree and HATED where I was - always going back home to my family (even though I hated where I was from). Now I've moved states to a place I LOVE with people I LOVE Im not in the degree I want - it's the world's way of saying you can't always get what you want... and I personally have no idea how to cope with those sorts of setbacks. To me thats failure - and failure is what people judge you on.
I miss my family and won't be seeing them untill April and my God I'm looking forward to that! I try to engross myself in studies when I'm alone (which should mean I'm moving along nicely right?) - Wrong mostly I try it as a distraction from being a failure and in turn think about failing to much to concentrate properly - it's a never ending cycle!
I dont care if I have to travel an hour and a half each way to my studies - if I'm in the RIGHT degree I'll take it with both hands! I have no confidence in myself to do it. Next semester the place where my degree is commencing is an hour and a half away in a degree that is high school teaching in a place I'm not sure is overly safe to travel too.
Thanks again anyone who reads this... It's good to vent. xox
Tomorrow I have my laparoscopy which will bring so many answers (hopefully) if not not sure what I'll do...probably go back to disregarding it and living with pain.
I've been up and down like a rollarcoaster for over a good week now, I've had spurts of confidence which follow closely by lows. My mum has been ringing me every night to make sure I'm ok and my dad well I havnt said much to him because I know my mental state upsets him no end (he feels helpless).
I'm still so unsure about my studies - the universities emailed me back saying the best way to get in is to build up my studies (so work hard) at other universities to see if there is a place for me mid this year or next year. But I don't work well with failure or dissapointment and I still wonder if I should continue considering I was rejected this year.
I'll be 20 this year and I dont want to waste my time if I can't get in but I dont know of any other way? All I've ever wanted was to be a primary school teacher - I'm not business orientated, im not science orientated or mathematically orientated....So I'm confused.
I'm hoping that seeing my new psychologist on Wednesday will help me with clarity. Everyone keeps saying "just keep going, do this year if it doesnt work out choose another direction" - Since I have NO confidence what so ever I feel like I'll waste this year and have even less direction at the end of the year! =(
I feel pretty low and mostly I hate Sundays where it means the begining of another week where I have no clue where my life is headed. I feel like if I dont get into this course I'm a failure to myself, my partner and my family....when in essence I know they just want me to do what makes me happy - thing is I'm unsure anymore what that is.
I love him more than anything - and he knows this. He can see what this is doing to me and doesn't know how to handle it. He encourages me to try and finish my studies and tells me next year if it doesn't work out it isnt the end of the world, I can try something else. Im terrified and scared of dissapointing him - he is such an amazing support and an amazing person to me.
I compare myself to everyone - if I drop out what will so and so think of me, how will they react, what a dissapointment to myself etc.
Where I was studying I loved the degree and HATED where I was - always going back home to my family (even though I hated where I was from). Now I've moved states to a place I LOVE with people I LOVE Im not in the degree I want - it's the world's way of saying you can't always get what you want... and I personally have no idea how to cope with those sorts of setbacks. To me thats failure - and failure is what people judge you on.
I miss my family and won't be seeing them untill April and my God I'm looking forward to that! I try to engross myself in studies when I'm alone (which should mean I'm moving along nicely right?) - Wrong mostly I try it as a distraction from being a failure and in turn think about failing to much to concentrate properly - it's a never ending cycle!
I dont care if I have to travel an hour and a half each way to my studies - if I'm in the RIGHT degree I'll take it with both hands! I have no confidence in myself to do it. Next semester the place where my degree is commencing is an hour and a half away in a degree that is high school teaching in a place I'm not sure is overly safe to travel too.
Thanks again anyone who reads this... It's good to vent. xox
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