Knowing what Love is.
So...I feel like lately I have been over-emotional and it has clouded what is normally my reasonable and rational thinking. I admit it, I have been going through a tough month (well through the month of March) and of course, mixed with my little heart-to-heart with Taz, it seemed to send me over the edge for awhile. But, after taking the weekend to really settle down and think...this is what I have to say.
When it comes to Taz and I...we are both at fault on many things. Neither of us is perfect, and while others might look down on what we have, I think of it this way. If in the end, Taz and I decide that we are not meant to be, that does not mean that what we shared was not love...in fact, I believe the opposite.
I realized today that because of Taz, I am actually a better person than what I would have been had I never met her. She worked hard to shatter the insecurities that rules over my life, she taught me how to get out there and explore the world, take it on as a challenge, and to never accept defeat. It is because of her that I live my life by my motto which is: "if you were able to walk away with a story to tell, then good or bad, you did the right thing".It is also because of her that I moved out on my own and really started to build my own sense of self and became so independent.
Did you know that when her and I broke up, she still wanted me to move to Indianapolis with her because she knew that I could not afford my own place AND knew that I did not want to move back in with my parents? I was fired after 2 weeks of commuting to work, and yet she STILL took care of me!!! She let me stay with her, she paid all of my bills while I searched for a job AND she took care of our 2 cats even though they were registered under my name and she did not have to legally be responsible for them? Even now, I live in Germany and have not been able to start work yet because of complications with immigration...but Taz has continued to take care of me, no matter the situation.
Her and I broke up 2 months before I moved to Germany and even then, she kept putting money into our joint savings account to get me here. She has paid for almost all of my food, all of my necessities including a bed, hangers, laundry detergent, and more! Even before we got back together she visited me every weekend and took me on trips all over Germany even though I could not chip in on the costs. She has spent thousands of dollars on me, and is even paying my school loan and rent while I wait to begin work. She has been one of the most reliable and best friends that I could ever have. Sure, sometimes, I get sad because she doesn't know what she wants, and the thought of us not having a future together is scary because then it makes me feel that I have gone through all of this for nothing...
But then, I remind myself...this woman takes care of me, she wants what is best for me, and even if we happen to go our separate ways for whatever reasons, she loves me and will always be there for me. And I love her too. So while I may complain from time-to-time with my worries and fears over Taz and where we may or may not be headed...I just spent 4 days with a wonderful woman that holds me through my seizures and nightmares...she sits there and comforts me to let me know that everything is okay. She tells me that I am beautiful and that no matter what happens, she always wants to be in my life...
I have worked hard for her and she has worked hard for me...so no matter our dysfunctions, I will always feel in my heart that this is worth fighting for.
Some people kept asking me why I thought I should fight for her and I...so that's why I am writing this down now, because honestly, for all the things she has done for me when she never had to, and for all the things we have worked hard to achieve, I believe that no matter the differences and difficulties, this is what love is.
When it comes to Taz and I...we are both at fault on many things. Neither of us is perfect, and while others might look down on what we have, I think of it this way. If in the end, Taz and I decide that we are not meant to be, that does not mean that what we shared was not love...in fact, I believe the opposite.
I realized today that because of Taz, I am actually a better person than what I would have been had I never met her. She worked hard to shatter the insecurities that rules over my life, she taught me how to get out there and explore the world, take it on as a challenge, and to never accept defeat. It is because of her that I live my life by my motto which is: "if you were able to walk away with a story to tell, then good or bad, you did the right thing".It is also because of her that I moved out on my own and really started to build my own sense of self and became so independent.
Did you know that when her and I broke up, she still wanted me to move to Indianapolis with her because she knew that I could not afford my own place AND knew that I did not want to move back in with my parents? I was fired after 2 weeks of commuting to work, and yet she STILL took care of me!!! She let me stay with her, she paid all of my bills while I searched for a job AND she took care of our 2 cats even though they were registered under my name and she did not have to legally be responsible for them? Even now, I live in Germany and have not been able to start work yet because of complications with immigration...but Taz has continued to take care of me, no matter the situation.
Her and I broke up 2 months before I moved to Germany and even then, she kept putting money into our joint savings account to get me here. She has paid for almost all of my food, all of my necessities including a bed, hangers, laundry detergent, and more! Even before we got back together she visited me every weekend and took me on trips all over Germany even though I could not chip in on the costs. She has spent thousands of dollars on me, and is even paying my school loan and rent while I wait to begin work. She has been one of the most reliable and best friends that I could ever have. Sure, sometimes, I get sad because she doesn't know what she wants, and the thought of us not having a future together is scary because then it makes me feel that I have gone through all of this for nothing...
But then, I remind myself...this woman takes care of me, she wants what is best for me, and even if we happen to go our separate ways for whatever reasons, she loves me and will always be there for me. And I love her too. So while I may complain from time-to-time with my worries and fears over Taz and where we may or may not be headed...I just spent 4 days with a wonderful woman that holds me through my seizures and nightmares...she sits there and comforts me to let me know that everything is okay. She tells me that I am beautiful and that no matter what happens, she always wants to be in my life...
I have worked hard for her and she has worked hard for me...so no matter our dysfunctions, I will always feel in my heart that this is worth fighting for.
Some people kept asking me why I thought I should fight for her and I...so that's why I am writing this down now, because honestly, for all the things she has done for me when she never had to, and for all the things we have worked hard to achieve, I believe that no matter the differences and difficulties, this is what love is.
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