Knew this was coming...
So I just ran into the thing I "feared" the most being single.... the lack of support when emotional things happen. Someone to lean on who will say "hang in there, it will be ok" and then distract me so I can laugh and forget or feel better about my problems.
Insecurity has been a big issue for me over the years. And as long as I felt the X's support, I felt like I could conquer the world! Which is odd... because I know it was my own strengths that got me through but I loved the support (and his humor) that would always distract me anyways....
So yesterday, two things happened that made me feel really insecure.
First is my job.... I love it. I started working there with the expectation that I'd only do it for a year and move on to something better. It's a payday company and wages are terrible. Yet, I'm now approaching 9 years and STILL love it. Except for one teeny thing... our corporate manager is a total control freak. I'm not talking about doing things to protect the company - if it were that, I'd have no problem. An example of what she's like is the Saturday I was off (we're closed weekends), about leave the house to join friends for a movie, and she called and expected me to just drop everything, go to the office and open it for her, just so she could do a personal business transaction that had nothing to do with the company (and she has a key of her own!).... she did this twice, and I've refused both times. She watches my office every year when I'm on vacation (that I'm required to take so audits can be done) and every time I'd go, I'd discover that she didn't follow procedure or the law, and pissed off my customers... I've had to go to my supervisor over this every year for the past 8 years. She's been written up for these incidents multiple times, but when she does her job correctly, she does it really well, so they still want to keep her - and I understand that... when she'd good at it, she's REALLY good at it. I just need to keep my distance from her...
But what I'm really having a problem with is that we're putting in a new, safer computer system this week. Lots of bugs to work out on it as we program it. She's keeping vital information from me, and then would call me to see how far I've gotten in the programming - and how am I expected to get it done if she won't give me the information? So after a week of asking and not getting the information I needed, I finally lost it yesterday, told her she needs to LISTEN, and then I FINALLY got it. Yeah, at that point, things got tense. But everything was going really well yesterday once I had it, and I wizzed through what I needed to do and finished programming before all the other stores did - even though I'd only had the information for 1 day and the other stores have had it for a week (I can type over 100 words per minute, lol). And now, of course, she's mad over it. I called her yesterday afternoon because I'm stopped once again because I need more information, and now she won't return my calls and so I wait... GRRR.
My insecurity comes from inner doubts.... I immediately think that I'm "rocking the boat" and like has happened at my last 2 jobs, I worry that I'm making it too risky (which is silly, because I've been one of the top producers for years, but I SOO need this job!) But then again, at my last job I was told I was being demoted after 3 years of receiving awards... when I checked into why, I learned my supervisor had told HIS supervisor that I was ill and needed to reduce my hours so he could put his "friend" in my position. He got fired over it, but the next guy they hired was no different so I began documenting and recording what was going on... and I was fired for it. I could have fought for my job and won again, but I was SO tired and disgusted at being treated this way for a 2nd time, that I just wrote a letter to the owners (after I calmed down) and moved on... the owners did investigate - discovered there was a drug operation going on at the desk where I worked, and I'm SO glad I'm not there anymore! And the job before that, I was fired when I walked in on my supervisor telling his boss that MY idea was his. I'm sure I got even when he couldn't produce how "his" idea worked, lol. He lost his job 3 weeks later, the company shut down a year after that... Gotta love "right to work" states...
And then the second issue is my health. Which again is odd, because I'm VERY healthy. I'm on a Hormone Therapy. Just a tiny little pill once a day to keep me healthy. I'm supposed to take it until I'm 50 (one more year), then reduce it slowly over the next 10 years. Side effects are possible breast cancer. But the GOOD side effect is that it has controlled my mood swings so that I feel level almost all the time - for the past 7 years. If I miss it, even just 1 day, I start spiraling into a severe depression that disappears once I resume my meds again. When the "incident" happened that led to my divorce, I couldn't afford my health insurance and had to let it lapse. So when it came time for my check up to renew my prescription 3 months ago, I called, asked how much an appointment would be so I could pay for it up front. The clinic told me they would not make an appointment until I had insurance and would give me a 6 month extension on my pills. I was a dummy and very optimistic that I'd be able to get the insurance back within 3 months, and asked them to put it down for 3 and if I didn't have insurance by then, I'd call. Well, 3 months have gone by, still no insurance, so again I called and asked if I need an appointment or can get another 3 month extension. They said they'd call me back. They didn't. So I called again... "we'll call you back".... didn't. And I called AGAIN.... "we'll call you back"... This time, they did - only to tell me YESTERDAY afternoon (I need my refill by Monday) that because I need a check up I was "S.O.L.". Yep, that's exactly how she said it. Seriously?!! So luckily (THANK GOD), there's a program that will work with me to get the check up done Monday morning and the program's employee told me how much to bring... AND, I have to deal with the Corporate Manager again because the appointment is right in the middle of my work day and she'll need to watch my office - if I can get ahold of her....GRRRR.
And so, I got home last night, and this was all I could think about. I tried finding ways to distract myself, tried to find ways to make myself laugh - which did work a little - but then I just finally BAWLED. Ah well, maybe that was the best stress relief after all? Well, at least until biking season begins again, lol... (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?). Ok, looking at it differently... I got through last night alone and did fine - well, I did Ok. I can handle this!
Insecurity has been a big issue for me over the years. And as long as I felt the X's support, I felt like I could conquer the world! Which is odd... because I know it was my own strengths that got me through but I loved the support (and his humor) that would always distract me anyways....
So yesterday, two things happened that made me feel really insecure.
First is my job.... I love it. I started working there with the expectation that I'd only do it for a year and move on to something better. It's a payday company and wages are terrible. Yet, I'm now approaching 9 years and STILL love it. Except for one teeny thing... our corporate manager is a total control freak. I'm not talking about doing things to protect the company - if it were that, I'd have no problem. An example of what she's like is the Saturday I was off (we're closed weekends), about leave the house to join friends for a movie, and she called and expected me to just drop everything, go to the office and open it for her, just so she could do a personal business transaction that had nothing to do with the company (and she has a key of her own!).... she did this twice, and I've refused both times. She watches my office every year when I'm on vacation (that I'm required to take so audits can be done) and every time I'd go, I'd discover that she didn't follow procedure or the law, and pissed off my customers... I've had to go to my supervisor over this every year for the past 8 years. She's been written up for these incidents multiple times, but when she does her job correctly, she does it really well, so they still want to keep her - and I understand that... when she'd good at it, she's REALLY good at it. I just need to keep my distance from her...
But what I'm really having a problem with is that we're putting in a new, safer computer system this week. Lots of bugs to work out on it as we program it. She's keeping vital information from me, and then would call me to see how far I've gotten in the programming - and how am I expected to get it done if she won't give me the information? So after a week of asking and not getting the information I needed, I finally lost it yesterday, told her she needs to LISTEN, and then I FINALLY got it. Yeah, at that point, things got tense. But everything was going really well yesterday once I had it, and I wizzed through what I needed to do and finished programming before all the other stores did - even though I'd only had the information for 1 day and the other stores have had it for a week (I can type over 100 words per minute, lol). And now, of course, she's mad over it. I called her yesterday afternoon because I'm stopped once again because I need more information, and now she won't return my calls and so I wait... GRRR.
My insecurity comes from inner doubts.... I immediately think that I'm "rocking the boat" and like has happened at my last 2 jobs, I worry that I'm making it too risky (which is silly, because I've been one of the top producers for years, but I SOO need this job!) But then again, at my last job I was told I was being demoted after 3 years of receiving awards... when I checked into why, I learned my supervisor had told HIS supervisor that I was ill and needed to reduce my hours so he could put his "friend" in my position. He got fired over it, but the next guy they hired was no different so I began documenting and recording what was going on... and I was fired for it. I could have fought for my job and won again, but I was SO tired and disgusted at being treated this way for a 2nd time, that I just wrote a letter to the owners (after I calmed down) and moved on... the owners did investigate - discovered there was a drug operation going on at the desk where I worked, and I'm SO glad I'm not there anymore! And the job before that, I was fired when I walked in on my supervisor telling his boss that MY idea was his. I'm sure I got even when he couldn't produce how "his" idea worked, lol. He lost his job 3 weeks later, the company shut down a year after that... Gotta love "right to work" states...
And then the second issue is my health. Which again is odd, because I'm VERY healthy. I'm on a Hormone Therapy. Just a tiny little pill once a day to keep me healthy. I'm supposed to take it until I'm 50 (one more year), then reduce it slowly over the next 10 years. Side effects are possible breast cancer. But the GOOD side effect is that it has controlled my mood swings so that I feel level almost all the time - for the past 7 years. If I miss it, even just 1 day, I start spiraling into a severe depression that disappears once I resume my meds again. When the "incident" happened that led to my divorce, I couldn't afford my health insurance and had to let it lapse. So when it came time for my check up to renew my prescription 3 months ago, I called, asked how much an appointment would be so I could pay for it up front. The clinic told me they would not make an appointment until I had insurance and would give me a 6 month extension on my pills. I was a dummy and very optimistic that I'd be able to get the insurance back within 3 months, and asked them to put it down for 3 and if I didn't have insurance by then, I'd call. Well, 3 months have gone by, still no insurance, so again I called and asked if I need an appointment or can get another 3 month extension. They said they'd call me back. They didn't. So I called again... "we'll call you back".... didn't. And I called AGAIN.... "we'll call you back"... This time, they did - only to tell me YESTERDAY afternoon (I need my refill by Monday) that because I need a check up I was "S.O.L.". Yep, that's exactly how she said it. Seriously?!! So luckily (THANK GOD), there's a program that will work with me to get the check up done Monday morning and the program's employee told me how much to bring... AND, I have to deal with the Corporate Manager again because the appointment is right in the middle of my work day and she'll need to watch my office - if I can get ahold of her....GRRRR.
And so, I got home last night, and this was all I could think about. I tried finding ways to distract myself, tried to find ways to make myself laugh - which did work a little - but then I just finally BAWLED. Ah well, maybe that was the best stress relief after all? Well, at least until biking season begins again, lol... (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?). Ok, looking at it differently... I got through last night alone and did fine - well, I did Ok. I can handle this!
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