kinda lost it

i blew a tire yesterday and when went to check it out ended up costing 800 dollars cause yeah they were let s say not drivable. any kind of money issue really screws me up. lost it all couple times thanks to abusive ex so i try keep it together now. very hard and stressful living or not really living paycheck to paycheck. so ya after being there 3 hours was stressed so ex finalyy contacted me after 3 days of not. she said ran away for few days. ya long store short i freaking lost it. why do i bother. she went had fun with friends i didnt even know she had. told her she liar should been straight up with me. why tell me she wants me just doesnt have the time. why lie. why do people hurt others. then she dont get why im freaking out said she never should have told me. are u freaking kidding me. i hate myself for letting myself become an emotional wreck. i so want to be strong and loved and i hate me. too much. refused to let mother lend me money for tires cause of pride now gotta figure out how to pay for them and still not screw myself with all other bills . and owe daughter money which kills me more than anything in this world. im a freak and tired of being me