Kind of numb
I don't even know where to begin. I guess first off thanks to those of you who have thought of me during this time, and have sent hugs or posted comments on my past entry. Thank you, I mean that.
I'm sitting here trying to think what to write about and it's like my mind is an empty blank. Do you ever get that "exhausted" feeling after you've worked really hard at something, or poured a lot of yourself into something and then find that you're suddenly "empty?" That's where I am right now. Empty. It's not a good or bad thing, its just how it is.
Well, I'm not going to rehash over everything about Easter. I've already done that, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, then just go back and read the past couple of entries. But to make matters even more hectic, my wife had her kids up for the weekend. I hate to even admit it, but I'm starting to get very resentful over them. We have them for just a few days a month, but we already have M's bedroom and V's bedroom. It's like we can't even use them when the're not here. Plus the fact that they have really hurt me and abused my trust (again, something I wrote about previously), well it just makes it that I really don't want to be around them - at all. I've already discussed the not wanting to be around them thing, and she's supportive about that. As soon as the weather clears up, and that'll be soon by the look of things, when they are over, I'll be out camping or something. Its very sad that I have to be chased away from my own house (even my wife has commented on this), but that's the only recourse I have. When I'm around them, I have to be very careful of what I say or do, because they will grab hold of anything and report anything negative back to their abusive dad. The boy does it intentionally, the girl is just a little slow and just blows stuff up in her own mind.
The kid is turning out to be just like his dad. Plus he doesn't understand the concept of respect in both respecting other people and other people's stuff. He's already killed his mom's laptop and a computer I built for him. And the last straw was when I let him borrow my own personal laptop. He didn't break it, but went through all of my personal stuff and wiped out my desktop. In addition, when he IS on it, he's on the computer for hours and ignores everything else. So a few months ago I told him "no" more and that he couldn't even use my computer to play games (the desktop I'm using now). I bring this up because this morning, knowing what I'd say, he STILL asked if he could play on it... NO!
We do stuff with the kids. Hell, we play D&D every time they come over. I run the session, and I DM. Its me, his mom, him, and a family friend that come over. The daughter just has the attention span of a fly, so she doesn't join in. Then we play MAgic; The Gathering with him. But he is an incredibly bad loser. He almost flew off into a temper this morning after losing (playing a three way) and the only thing that stopped him, I think, is that he knows how I'd react - and that it wouldn't be good. Oh, and this kid is 15.
I guess you can tell from everything that I've said and how I've written it, that no, I really don't like her kids at all. The youngest daughter is OK but that's about it. I don't have the patience to constantly watch princess movies and color with a 12 year old girl, but one who has the mental capacity of an 8 or 9 year old. Oh yes, and we get them back in two more weeks.
I know when I married my wife, I inherited her family. I've loved them and included them in my life. Then they back stabbed me and lied about me, and well, I'll still show them love when I'm around them, but I just do not WANT to be around them. Of course, this was perfect timing with Easter and all and me thinking about my kids.
Ok, onto other stuff. I got rid of Marco. He was just too much work. My pain would not let me walk him every single day, and when he wasn't exercised, he was a little ball of terror. Even when he was, he still had a lot of pent up energy. I just don't have that in me.
I had posted an initial add on Craig's List stating that I wanted a calm younger dog who was house trained and I explained my condition. The people I got him from lied boldly to my face about him, and we didn't start to discover the truth until the car ride home when he had a bowel movement inside the car. I gave it a good two weeks and really tried my hardest, but it just couldn't be done. My wife had made it clear that he was my dog and that she wanted to part of taking care of him. That's fine, I just found out that I couldn't. I didn't send him to the pound, but did find a loving couple for him. I made sure they knew everything about him so that they wouldn't be blindsided like me. But still, this just hit home again about stuff that I can't do anymore. I tell my wife sometimes that occasionally I know what its like to be a paraplegic... not that I am one, but in the sense that there is so much that I want to do, but that my body won't ever let me do again. Its very demoralizing at times, and the dog thing was one of those times.
Another thing that really has been bothering me is trying to have intimate times with my wife. Thanks to the Lyrica, well, it has taken away a lot of sensation from a certain area on my body. I start out "ok" but then well, my wife and I just end up groaning, "Damn Lyrica!"
So I guess you can say that there's just been a lot of crap going on in my life and now that Easter is over, and the kids are gone, well, I just feel empty and basically blah.
I keep looking at my plants and wishing that they'd be fully grown right now, but of course, they're still in the beginning stages. I have at least three to four more months to wait before I can take advantage. Its going to be a long wait.
Anyway, that's what's going on here. I'll be writing more now and paying more attention to everyone else. Sorry, I feel incredibly selfish and horrible about abandoning everyone. I just couldn't stand dealing with other people's issues and such because when my friends are feeling bad, it makes me feel bad. And I couldn't write because I hadn't figured out in my head what to write yet. I'm still kind of fuzzy on that. I know, this has been incredibly selfish of me, and again I'm sorry. :(
I'm sitting here trying to think what to write about and it's like my mind is an empty blank. Do you ever get that "exhausted" feeling after you've worked really hard at something, or poured a lot of yourself into something and then find that you're suddenly "empty?" That's where I am right now. Empty. It's not a good or bad thing, its just how it is.
Well, I'm not going to rehash over everything about Easter. I've already done that, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, then just go back and read the past couple of entries. But to make matters even more hectic, my wife had her kids up for the weekend. I hate to even admit it, but I'm starting to get very resentful over them. We have them for just a few days a month, but we already have M's bedroom and V's bedroom. It's like we can't even use them when the're not here. Plus the fact that they have really hurt me and abused my trust (again, something I wrote about previously), well it just makes it that I really don't want to be around them - at all. I've already discussed the not wanting to be around them thing, and she's supportive about that. As soon as the weather clears up, and that'll be soon by the look of things, when they are over, I'll be out camping or something. Its very sad that I have to be chased away from my own house (even my wife has commented on this), but that's the only recourse I have. When I'm around them, I have to be very careful of what I say or do, because they will grab hold of anything and report anything negative back to their abusive dad. The boy does it intentionally, the girl is just a little slow and just blows stuff up in her own mind.
The kid is turning out to be just like his dad. Plus he doesn't understand the concept of respect in both respecting other people and other people's stuff. He's already killed his mom's laptop and a computer I built for him. And the last straw was when I let him borrow my own personal laptop. He didn't break it, but went through all of my personal stuff and wiped out my desktop. In addition, when he IS on it, he's on the computer for hours and ignores everything else. So a few months ago I told him "no" more and that he couldn't even use my computer to play games (the desktop I'm using now). I bring this up because this morning, knowing what I'd say, he STILL asked if he could play on it... NO!
We do stuff with the kids. Hell, we play D&D every time they come over. I run the session, and I DM. Its me, his mom, him, and a family friend that come over. The daughter just has the attention span of a fly, so she doesn't join in. Then we play MAgic; The Gathering with him. But he is an incredibly bad loser. He almost flew off into a temper this morning after losing (playing a three way) and the only thing that stopped him, I think, is that he knows how I'd react - and that it wouldn't be good. Oh, and this kid is 15.
I guess you can tell from everything that I've said and how I've written it, that no, I really don't like her kids at all. The youngest daughter is OK but that's about it. I don't have the patience to constantly watch princess movies and color with a 12 year old girl, but one who has the mental capacity of an 8 or 9 year old. Oh yes, and we get them back in two more weeks.
I know when I married my wife, I inherited her family. I've loved them and included them in my life. Then they back stabbed me and lied about me, and well, I'll still show them love when I'm around them, but I just do not WANT to be around them. Of course, this was perfect timing with Easter and all and me thinking about my kids.
Ok, onto other stuff. I got rid of Marco. He was just too much work. My pain would not let me walk him every single day, and when he wasn't exercised, he was a little ball of terror. Even when he was, he still had a lot of pent up energy. I just don't have that in me.
I had posted an initial add on Craig's List stating that I wanted a calm younger dog who was house trained and I explained my condition. The people I got him from lied boldly to my face about him, and we didn't start to discover the truth until the car ride home when he had a bowel movement inside the car. I gave it a good two weeks and really tried my hardest, but it just couldn't be done. My wife had made it clear that he was my dog and that she wanted to part of taking care of him. That's fine, I just found out that I couldn't. I didn't send him to the pound, but did find a loving couple for him. I made sure they knew everything about him so that they wouldn't be blindsided like me. But still, this just hit home again about stuff that I can't do anymore. I tell my wife sometimes that occasionally I know what its like to be a paraplegic... not that I am one, but in the sense that there is so much that I want to do, but that my body won't ever let me do again. Its very demoralizing at times, and the dog thing was one of those times.
Another thing that really has been bothering me is trying to have intimate times with my wife. Thanks to the Lyrica, well, it has taken away a lot of sensation from a certain area on my body. I start out "ok" but then well, my wife and I just end up groaning, "Damn Lyrica!"
So I guess you can say that there's just been a lot of crap going on in my life and now that Easter is over, and the kids are gone, well, I just feel empty and basically blah.
I keep looking at my plants and wishing that they'd be fully grown right now, but of course, they're still in the beginning stages. I have at least three to four more months to wait before I can take advantage. Its going to be a long wait.
Anyway, that's what's going on here. I'll be writing more now and paying more attention to everyone else. Sorry, I feel incredibly selfish and horrible about abandoning everyone. I just couldn't stand dealing with other people's issues and such because when my friends are feeling bad, it makes me feel bad. And I couldn't write because I hadn't figured out in my head what to write yet. I'm still kind of fuzzy on that. I know, this has been incredibly selfish of me, and again I'm sorry. :(
Replies
this is extremely dangerous being in a relationship with someone that has children an there doesn\'t seem to be boundaries on the mothers part in dealing or correcting her children that u clearly don\'t like even if they make it easy not to,, how can you have real happiness in this situation? manipulative teens a wife that doesn\'t seem to back you an the only time you are content is when you\'re either alone or the children are gone! what have you gotten yourself into an how long until something bad happens because of the resentment u feel?? what are you really getting out this marriage an is it worth it?
I\'m getting a lot out of it. First, we are best friends. Second, we are in love. As for her and the kids, she\'s trying really hard. She came from an incredibly abusive and controlling relationship. The kids were never disciplined because HE wouldn\'t allow it. She\'s been working on disciplining them more, but in the case of the 15 year old, its a tad bit too late.
As far as something bad happening, that\'s why I\'m distancing myself from them. I\'ll write later, wife is home.
no disrespect to cbreez, but I don\'t agree with what he said. I know how much you love your wife and I know all about \' package deals\'. My stepkids were 5 and 2 when I married Bob and it hasn\'t been a bed of roses to say the least. Like you, I married Bob because I loved him AND I grew to love his kids. His ex is a total \' biotch\' and loved nothing more than trying to cause troubles by bad talking both Bob and me to the kids. I get it . and 15 is a hard year anyway, much less with the kid being a brat and disrespectful and abusing your trust. Walking on eggshells has to be really difficult and I know it\'s a difficult situation where the kids are involved and I absolutely understand why you would chose to \' get away \' when the kids are there. I\'m sure your wife tries hard with them, but I also know how hard it has to be when they are with you for such a small amount of time and most of their daily influence is coming from a very bad source. That shit is hard to \' undo\'. I feel for you, I truly do. I think you need to do whatever is best for YOU when your stepkids are there. Best for your peace of mind and everyone involved.
I understand why you had to give Marco away and I\'d be pretty dang pissed off about being lied to. Sounds like they were in a rush to get him off of their hands because he was too much to handle. I know that your physical pain made it very difficult to deal with him and get out and exercise him. Please Please though don\'t beat yourself up because you have limitations due to your pain. I know it\'s easier said than done, but beating yourself up is only going to make you feel worse. Ya know? You do the best you can and that\'s all you can do, right? You did the right thing with Marco.
As far as the Lyrica \' side effects \'.. I\'m sorry..not bad enough you suffer with the pain that you do, but the dang side effect from the only thing you can take right now that helps the pain, dulls the sex life is sooooooooooo not fair. :((
I understand the \' empty \', \' blah \' feeling.. that\'s how I\'m feeling right now for different reasons.
and don\'t you ever apologize for not being here .. I know how tough Easter time is for you and sometimes we all need to just isolate. It doesn\'t make you any less of the wonderful friend that you are. You\'re very precious to me.
Love and hugs xoxo
G
Thanks a lot, G. *hugs*