Killing Myself
The last few months I knew something was wrong. I kept getting nose bleeds all the time and my heart hurt. I mean it physically hurt.
I couldn't take the stress anymore. Working, cleaning, cooking, shopping and then trying to look after everybody's health on top of it, trying to please everybody but pleasing no one.
I used to try and block out the fights, remain calm while my fiancee went through the motions of her Borderline personality disorder (Bursts of rage lasting 1-2hours). Eight years of fighting we went through.
I could not do it anymore. Mentally I think I was still capable of going through plenty of more rounds but then I started to get chest pains. Every time we would argue my chest would hurt. The pain got worse everytime. I begged her towards the end of our relationship to not argue with me. I could not take it anymore. I was going to kill myself being in this relationship as I was putting my body under serious amounts of stress.
Something had to change. I had to decide whether this relationship was really worth my health?
I chose my health. Ever since that decision I feel I have been blessed with so much light and knowledge. I have come to understand that I have serious problems. I am co-dependant, I am passive-aggressive and I have many social anxieties and fears that have held me back my entire life. I was never going to figure this out intill the day I chose myself over other people.
Its going to be a long road. I have repressed much of my childhood and it is going to be difficult coming to terms with the abuse I suffered when I was a kid.
Im just happy that I chose not to kill myself over it. I chose to deal with it and confront the issues instead of blaming all of my problem on everyone else.
I couldn't take the stress anymore. Working, cleaning, cooking, shopping and then trying to look after everybody's health on top of it, trying to please everybody but pleasing no one.
I used to try and block out the fights, remain calm while my fiancee went through the motions of her Borderline personality disorder (Bursts of rage lasting 1-2hours). Eight years of fighting we went through.
I could not do it anymore. Mentally I think I was still capable of going through plenty of more rounds but then I started to get chest pains. Every time we would argue my chest would hurt. The pain got worse everytime. I begged her towards the end of our relationship to not argue with me. I could not take it anymore. I was going to kill myself being in this relationship as I was putting my body under serious amounts of stress.
Something had to change. I had to decide whether this relationship was really worth my health?
I chose my health. Ever since that decision I feel I have been blessed with so much light and knowledge. I have come to understand that I have serious problems. I am co-dependant, I am passive-aggressive and I have many social anxieties and fears that have held me back my entire life. I was never going to figure this out intill the day I chose myself over other people.
Its going to be a long road. I have repressed much of my childhood and it is going to be difficult coming to terms with the abuse I suffered when I was a kid.
Im just happy that I chose not to kill myself over it. I chose to deal with it and confront the issues instead of blaming all of my problem on everyone else.
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