Kids, Dinner and My Er, Hair Problem.

Hey everyone -  Been a while since I've posted a substantive journal entry, and there is so much to talk about. I'll give just a quick update for now. (Seems like I'm always saying that). First of all, tonight is a very exciting night, as it's "Breakfast For Dinner" night in our house.  B4D nights consist of Mommy going out for the night herself, while K, Z and her friend and I go to a deli and have waffles, pancakes, eggs, syrup and bacon at 6pm at night. If you're 6, or 3, you think this is basically heaven. And then, of course, you still get dessert. Bonus! I've contemplated also doing "Reverse Dinner" where we eat dessert, then steak, then a veggie, but my wife told me that was just plain stupid. She's probably right. Since I'm in a good mood today, I thought I'd share another exploit with y'all that is, err, a bit personal. You'll all laugh at me, but as long as you're laughing, regardless of the direction of that laugh, it's ok with me. Let me be the source of your ridicule this AM - I can take it. So I have a fair amount of body hair. We all do, really, well at least any man I know with any remote ties to Europe or the Middle East, no matter how many generations ago. Regardless, I don't hate my body hair, but I don't love it either, and given the choice, I'd prefer to have less of it. I don't want to be completely bald, mind you, as that would be weird, but well, I could go for less chest hair and maybe less hair on, oh, well, I'll just say it - my lower back and the regions that extend south of that. Lest you think I spend hours staring at the mirror wondering how I could be less hairy, I don't...but about once every 3 to 5 years, I get inspired to try something new to combat my increasing hairiness. (Side note: As I get older, I am keeping my head hair, unlike many others I know, but it's still amazing how the body hair continues to grow and spread as most men lose it on top. Anyone know why?) Anyway, so the other night I was home alone, which is always a bad thing, as it gets the mind wandering, and I was watching a video of women getting Brazilian waxes. No, it wasn't pornographic - it was an interesting video (from the waist up) of women's faces as they prepared for, and then experienced, the pain of waxing. It was well-done, if odd. So I thought to myself, why don't men do this? Actually, I know the answer to that - because it would be incredibly humiliating as well as painful to remove hair (and possibly skin), and of course, who would perform that action? Not sure how many women, regardless of their financial predicament, would want to see that view, and I'm not sure how many men would be comfortable spread-eagling for another man. But I digress.... The next day I found myself in Target, and as I walked the aisles, I saw some waxing products - all of which were specifically targeted at women and their "bikini" area. I don't believe I have a "bikini" area, as I don't wear bikinis, but I can imagine what they're trying to do. All of the boxes were pink, with an image of a woman's leg or brow on them, and try as I might, I couldn't find a "Gilette Male Ass Waxing" product out there...so I bought one of the pink boxes, just to see what would happen. That night, again the wife went out - smart woman, staying away from a crazy man like myself - and so, after putting the kids to bed, I pulled out my new waxing kit. I will confess - I've been the victim of waxing before - but only to my eyebrows once or twice when I accompanied my wife to a pre-wedding pampering or something - it was no big deal, hurt a bit but results looked pretty good. It's hard to take a box that's all pink and designed for a woman's crotch and use it for yourself. Not that I'm too macho for this stuff - after all, I've just told you that I've waxed my eyebrows and have hair management issues - but still, taking a product specifically designed for a woman and using it on me felt, well, pathetic. Kinda like when I use my wife's razor, but even worse. So the way this kit worked is that there were clear strips, kinda like oversized bandaids, that had a thin layer of wax on them. The instructions were to warm up the strip in your hand a bit, take off the protective covering, slap it on my back/butt, push down hard, and then rip it quickly off going AGAINST the direction of the hair growth.  Immediately, 2 problems presented themselves to me: a) How do I see what I'm doing back there?b) Which way does the hair grow? As for A), I tried everything. I don't have a mirror that goes down to the floor, so I tried standing and turning, but with my bad back (yes, this story gets even more pathetic), I could barely see around my back. Tried lying on the counter-top, but that just looked a bit too 1970's bad supermodel for me. Suffice to say, I'm not going to tell you the position I ended up in, but be thankful that you don't have to visualize it. Now B) was much trickier. I'm not sure how many hairy men's butts you've looked at, but, honestly, figuring out what direction the hair comes from is a challenge at best. At first I thought it was heading hips to crack, but then some, inexplicably, seemed to be growing north, and some just seemed to be growing like weeds in the sidewalk cracks.  Upon my close inspection, I realized that my ass is quite a fertile hair-growing ground, and given the recent challenges we've had with our small vegetable garden, I contemplated the parallels between my butt and my garden. Minimal sun, to be sure, but access to compost? So I slapped on the wax band-aid any which way and sat there, looking like a complete idiot, for a few seconds. Then I grabbed on to the edge of the strip and prepared to pull. I expected pain - lots of it, given the amount of hair that would be coming off in one fell swoop. I pictured a big red welt I'd be explaining to my wife for weeks. So I pulled, and....err, nothing happened. The strip came off, the ripping sound was there, but it didn't hurt...and the hair hadn't moved an inch. Crap! Apparently my butt hair has put down roots, and wasn't impressed by my feeble attempts. So, of course, figuring I did it wrong, I slapped at least 6 different strips to various locations on my butt (and if you've seen my butt, there's plenty of room) and started pulling. I think, in all, about 6 hairs were removed, which means I am now .0000003% less hairy. Meanwhile, the wax on the strips was now a matted mess all over my back and butt, which looked quite unattractive. So I got in the shower, where I once again marveled over the phenomenon that wax and water don't get along, and despite 10 minutes of scrubbing, I was left with the same wax that I entered the shower with. Then I noticed the blue bottle of "after wax" care. Very feminine, very cute. I ignored the warnings and slapped the blue flowery smelling stuff all over my butt. It worked, so I put more on...the searing chemicals doing their job of burning off the wax (but, of course, having no effect on the indestructible hair). And then, the liquid hit parts of me that it probably wasn't supposed to, and the burning started. I'm going to pause this story here, as I think I've embarrassed myself enough for both this and future generations of my family. I hope I put a bit of a smile into your day, or at the very least, I apologize for ruining whatever meal you were thinking about having in the next few hours. ;) Hope y'all are well.