Kick me when I'm down
I just want my life back. I want to be ok. But I don't know how to be ok.
The miscarriage was infinitely more painful than I expected, physically. I've been trying hard to not allow anger to come into the picture. I don't want to be angry. I've spent so long being angry about IF...I just don't want to feel it anymore. But maybe I just need to acknowledge it, rage it out, and let go of it. So here goes.
I spent 3 painful years saving up for a vasectomy reversal, scared the whole time that Matt would change his mind and not want to go through with it. Then I spent 2 hellish years TTC. Devastation every single month. I've spent those 5 years trying to learn how to be a stepmom. Trying to be ok with being expected to raise someone else's children, while not being able to have my own. Feeling like the outsider in my own family.
I've done my time. I've suffered the loss of hope that comes every single month. I've tried to cling to my faith. I've lost my faith, railed against God....found Him again.
And then I'm finally given that amazing moment...the 2 lines. I got 3 whole weeks of utter happiness. And then came utter devastation and loss. Why?! Why even give me the hope if it was just going to be ripped away? Why give me the joy at all?
And while I'm reeling from the agony of losing my child, I'm confronted with the kids I have to take care of that aren't mine. I feel such resentment towards them this week. I don't want anything to do with them. And I hate that. It's not their fault - they are kids. They come home from school happy and chattering about the things they did, their friends, all of the happy things of life. And I want to scream. My world just ended. I so don't care about the funny face your friend made during 3rd period.
As if this battle wasn't enough, I have an infected bug bite on my calf that looks like it could be in a zombie movie. It is at least 3 inches in diameter, surrounded by raised, red hives. It itches like hell. But wait, that isn't enough. The Dr gave me antibiotic for the infection and guess what? Turns out I'm allergic to it! So now I'm also covered in a red, itchy rash. All over my body. I'm taking Benadryl every 4 hours and it barely takes the edge off of the itch.
I feel so fragile. Like I'm just floating in space and there is nothing that is holding me together and any moment my body will just disintegrate and the pieces will float away. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to be ok. My husband is my comfort. I feel like he is the only thing that can keep me together. But of course he wants to fix it and doesn't know how, so he just keeps himself busy. When all I really need from him is closeness. Just be near me. I feel like I can draw strength from his solidness.
Ugh. Life is hell right now.
The miscarriage was infinitely more painful than I expected, physically. I've been trying hard to not allow anger to come into the picture. I don't want to be angry. I've spent so long being angry about IF...I just don't want to feel it anymore. But maybe I just need to acknowledge it, rage it out, and let go of it. So here goes.
I spent 3 painful years saving up for a vasectomy reversal, scared the whole time that Matt would change his mind and not want to go through with it. Then I spent 2 hellish years TTC. Devastation every single month. I've spent those 5 years trying to learn how to be a stepmom. Trying to be ok with being expected to raise someone else's children, while not being able to have my own. Feeling like the outsider in my own family.
I've done my time. I've suffered the loss of hope that comes every single month. I've tried to cling to my faith. I've lost my faith, railed against God....found Him again.
And then I'm finally given that amazing moment...the 2 lines. I got 3 whole weeks of utter happiness. And then came utter devastation and loss. Why?! Why even give me the hope if it was just going to be ripped away? Why give me the joy at all?
And while I'm reeling from the agony of losing my child, I'm confronted with the kids I have to take care of that aren't mine. I feel such resentment towards them this week. I don't want anything to do with them. And I hate that. It's not their fault - they are kids. They come home from school happy and chattering about the things they did, their friends, all of the happy things of life. And I want to scream. My world just ended. I so don't care about the funny face your friend made during 3rd period.
As if this battle wasn't enough, I have an infected bug bite on my calf that looks like it could be in a zombie movie. It is at least 3 inches in diameter, surrounded by raised, red hives. It itches like hell. But wait, that isn't enough. The Dr gave me antibiotic for the infection and guess what? Turns out I'm allergic to it! So now I'm also covered in a red, itchy rash. All over my body. I'm taking Benadryl every 4 hours and it barely takes the edge off of the itch.
I feel so fragile. Like I'm just floating in space and there is nothing that is holding me together and any moment my body will just disintegrate and the pieces will float away. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to be ok. My husband is my comfort. I feel like he is the only thing that can keep me together. But of course he wants to fix it and doesn't know how, so he just keeps himself busy. When all I really need from him is closeness. Just be near me. I feel like I can draw strength from his solidness.
Ugh. Life is hell right now.
Replies
My heart aches for you right now hun. Its not fair that your journey has taken such a heart breaking turn. You have every right to grieve, rage, vent, scream and cry. It\'s ok to let it out! A close mentor once told me that when we break, picture a stain glass window that has shattered into a million pieces. Its as if we are that stained glass window and we can choose what pieces to pick back up and can then create another beautiful stained glass window. It will never be the same but it will be beautiful again one day.
Be gentle on yourself right now hun, don\'t expect too much and allow yourself time to grieve and heal. I don\'t believe that there is a reason for everything and I don\'t believe that good always comes out but I do believe that we are strong and we can heal.
Sending lots of love and hugs to you.
My heart breaks for you more and more, and I totally understand the step children scene. I am a step mother. Always try our best, just never good enough to be the best. We want so desperately for our turn, and sometimes every day life in the role of step mom is pure torture and hell. I hope DH is understanding you wanting some distance right now, and smooth transition will have his kids not even notice he\'s taking up most of the responsibility. You need some time for you. And I vote for feeling the rage and letting it out. It will cause even more damage if you hold it in. Hugs and kisses to you! xoxo
I\'m so very sorry to read this. I can relate to the loss you are feeling, as I am going through my first miscarriage right now after getting my first BFP ever. It took us 2 1/2 years of TTC, 3 IUIs and 3 IVFs. It\'s just so unfair and so heartbreaking and I have no idea how to comfort myself or what to say to help you through this either. Just know DS is such a great source of support and I hope we both find our way soon. Thinking of you xoxo
Thank you for the caring and encouragement. I\'ve been reading but not really responding. Kind of in zombie mode. Your words truly strengthened me.
I\'m sorry things are so rough right now. I know what you mean feeling like you might just break apart. I remember the days when I felt like maybe that would be best. Those were very low days. I hope you start to feel better physically very soon. Emotional healing will come with time, just hang in there and don\'t hold it in. I am praying for you.
I feel like I could have written this. I think it\'s fair and understandable that our faith is questioned when this happens. I just am so sorry for your pain and frustration. We are all here to help you through this.