Kenny's Final Day
I don't know why, but all my mind wants to do is go to the day and night that Ken laid in that hospital bed in ICU the last day of his life. No movement, his eyes never opened, just a bit it seemed like, but I don't really think so. Then his heart starting getting irregular, the machine started beeping over and over, as the vent kept his lungs breathing, they kept pumping blood and fluid into his body for the whole day.
With no urine out flow, he put on 75 pounds of fluid that day. I had his hand in mine. As the day turned into night, and the fluid just making his stomach so hard, I just couldn't believe I was losing my son. They came in when the machine's started beeping loudly, his heart rate jumping all over the place at one time it was 173 then it would be 30, he laid there very peaceful as nothing was really happening. They kept him on pain meds and gave him ativan to keep the body from fighting the vent, the nurse and doctors had told me all day that he was dying, but I heard it said, I just didn't believe it. I had my right hand on his heart and was holding his left hand in my other. As the nurses came in and shut the machine off, Kenny took his last heart beat. A mother's worse nightmare, watching their child die. A mother's worse nightmare, finding out their child has died. I just could not believe he was gone, it was !0:49 p.m. We had stayed all day on a vigil and prayed till there were no prayers left. I can't seem to get away from that night, when Kenny my son died. I'm sad, unhappy, don't know how to feel, the tears just flow and flow. It's been 4 1/2 months now, but it seems like it was just yesterday. It's so hard to believe our children are gone, some one or two or maybe three. I ask myself why did this have to be that a mother's heart is beyond repair. I don't know how to stop missing you Ken, I can't think of not seeing your face, I can't not think of not visiting you, I can't not think of no more talks. I miss you dear son, more than life itself. Mom don't know how to stop this pain. I wish there had been a cure for that cancer you had. Oh how I wish you could have beat it and it had not beat you down. I know your pain was so very bad and mom would have taken your place. The day you begged me to take you home, I wish I could have helped you understand. You were so sick, but if I could I would have ripped the needles from you veins and taken you home and made you well, but it just wasn't in the plans. I love you dear son, maybe more than you know or maybe Jesus told you so. I know I will be happy to see you again, when God calls your mom home. I don't know how that this can be, that I lost my first born son. I know you fought the cancer hard, but it was just more than your body could stand. I'm sorry I didn't have the answer's, when you asked me why. I am so sorry son, mom just didn't know why. It God would have let me, I would have taken your pain, but I guess we are just human's and we don't have the ability to make things all well. I love you son, I miss you so, mom's heart is broken and really don't know how I will fix it ever again. I love you Kenny my dear dear son.
With no urine out flow, he put on 75 pounds of fluid that day. I had his hand in mine. As the day turned into night, and the fluid just making his stomach so hard, I just couldn't believe I was losing my son. They came in when the machine's started beeping loudly, his heart rate jumping all over the place at one time it was 173 then it would be 30, he laid there very peaceful as nothing was really happening. They kept him on pain meds and gave him ativan to keep the body from fighting the vent, the nurse and doctors had told me all day that he was dying, but I heard it said, I just didn't believe it. I had my right hand on his heart and was holding his left hand in my other. As the nurses came in and shut the machine off, Kenny took his last heart beat. A mother's worse nightmare, watching their child die. A mother's worse nightmare, finding out their child has died. I just could not believe he was gone, it was !0:49 p.m. We had stayed all day on a vigil and prayed till there were no prayers left. I can't seem to get away from that night, when Kenny my son died. I'm sad, unhappy, don't know how to feel, the tears just flow and flow. It's been 4 1/2 months now, but it seems like it was just yesterday. It's so hard to believe our children are gone, some one or two or maybe three. I ask myself why did this have to be that a mother's heart is beyond repair. I don't know how to stop missing you Ken, I can't think of not seeing your face, I can't not think of not visiting you, I can't not think of no more talks. I miss you dear son, more than life itself. Mom don't know how to stop this pain. I wish there had been a cure for that cancer you had. Oh how I wish you could have beat it and it had not beat you down. I know your pain was so very bad and mom would have taken your place. The day you begged me to take you home, I wish I could have helped you understand. You were so sick, but if I could I would have ripped the needles from you veins and taken you home and made you well, but it just wasn't in the plans. I love you dear son, maybe more than you know or maybe Jesus told you so. I know I will be happy to see you again, when God calls your mom home. I don't know how that this can be, that I lost my first born son. I know you fought the cancer hard, but it was just more than your body could stand. I'm sorry I didn't have the answer's, when you asked me why. I am so sorry son, mom just didn't know why. It God would have let me, I would have taken your pain, but I guess we are just human's and we don't have the ability to make things all well. I love you son, I miss you so, mom's heart is broken and really don't know how I will fix it ever again. I love you Kenny my dear dear son.
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