Ken-gone 5 months tomorrow!

Hi all, thanks for so many comments to me.  It is so great knowing even in terrible circumstances such as the lost of our children, that so many friends have connected my way and I hope your way to from me.  If I ever needed or felt love, you all have done that for me.  THANKS
Yesterday, my first real day home from the hospital, I could not sit still.  I walked farther than I had before the last 2 weeks.  Stayed up all day.  Some reason just can't sleep.  Today is my mom's 84th birthday, she lives about 45 minutes away, so I had wanted to go see her.  I have not seen her since the day I went into the hospital and they had to put her in a nursing home.  I felt i should.  My hubby bless his heart who was correct said he didn't think it was a good ideal.  So we comprised.  I said let's go to breakfast it the drive is okay then we will go to mom's.  That test was not passed.  We were going to go to Bob Evans about 15 minutes from home.  We got about 1/3 there and I told my hubby, I don't think I can handle the pain, so we turned around and ended up at Cracker Barrel.  But I have paid for getting in the car with a lot of pain today.  I know that if I had started toward mom's place, I would have made myself continue and I don't feel that would have been in my best interest.  Luckily, I did get to talk to her and tell her "Happy Birthday".  She says she is somewhat better.  I hope.  I hope this works out as my sister has already decided what to do with her stuff and there is no going back to the apartment.  Sorta glad I am not in that decision making, although I don't feel mom is able to take care of herself anymore.
Second problem I have is not today but tomorrow.  I was going to go to church, but that is now not in the equation.  However, my son is having a big party and wants us there so bad.  He has called several times today to see if I think I can make it.  I told him I would do the best I could.  They don't understand (my kids) how bad this surgery is, but that is okay.  If I can manage the ride we may go for a bit.  He is opening the pool, ofcourse, which I can not use, but a big cook-out and said he had the recliner ready in front of the tv for the races for me to sit in.  They are so sweet, my boys.  I am really so proud of them all.
It was a really good experience during the hospital time with Ken.  It is hard to explain what it was like, but it seemed he was with me every minute and was letting me know that there was something God wanted me to do.  I have no answers for that, but just feeling him around me those 11 days have given me some peace.  Ken will be gone 5 months tomorrow.  It is hard to fathom not having spoken to him or seen him in that length of time.  One thing I do remember whether I was talking or not was when they were removing the breathing tube, I was it seemed yelling, but that is how my son died, stop stop.  It wasn't, they did not take out the breathing tube, but everything about the hospital reminded me of Ken, from the smell of the IV fluids to just everything.  Of course I told everyone about him.  As you as well as me, know it is so hard to wrap it around in our head that our children our no longer on this place we call earth.
I have never thought of a celebration in connection with Ken's death until now.  Like I said, it was so much like I was seeing him above me the whole time in the hospital room and it is so hard to understand or explain the feelings.  Tomorrow if I do get to go and be with the family, I think I will make it a day of celebration, even as I write this it is difficult.  But the celebration to me would be of Ken's wonderful life.  What he did, what he accomplished, how proud he was of his teaching at the college to the ministry.  Ken accomplished many awards in his different venture's and I am sure he has received his largest and most golden award ever in Heaven, which he well deserves.  Why my son or your child is not longer with us, why they had to leave this world earlier than the normal way of life, I don't understand and never will.  I just know that the 11 days I had the experience in the hospital with Ken during my illness, has brought me something.  The something I don't know yet how to explain, but I am sure as I continue this journey somewhere along the way I will.
To Ken:  I love you son more than words can say.  I know you know it.  I know you know I loved you and love you unconditionally.  You are a strong, smart, talented, caring, loving person that walked these earthy roads.  I know that you are making Heaven a brighter day.  I know your still doing you best and more.  Just wanted again to say mom sure does miss you baby and my sure does love you even more.
Love mom
May each of my friends find some type of peace in their hearts today tomorrow and the future until that day we are all joined together in Heaven with hearts no longer aching, no longer missing, no longer longing for our child.  I pray for each of you as you take your daily struggles to get an understanding of "Why".  I pray for you to have peace.  I love each of you so much and want to say "Thank You" all for being my friend.
Your friend,  Sandi
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Thankyou Sandi for the prayers I look forward to the day my heart no longer aches ..... Sounds wonderful if you could go tomorrow and just sit back but....... do not overdue things......only you know what your body can handle right now. How lucky you are to still have your Mom that is wonderful I wish my Mom was still here to talk to especially now.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hope you make it to the cookout at your son\'s house, but don\'t do it unless you truly feel up to it. Surley he\'ll understand.
Yes. I look forward to the day when I\'ll see my son in heaven. I carry that thought with me always and it keeps me moving forward with hope and peace in my heart.
Take care and God bless.
Sandy
zzztop
zzztop

BOY YOU SURE HAVE BEEN THROU ALOT HEALTH WISE AND YOUR SON, I,AM GLAD HE WAS WITH YOU IN THE HOSPITAL. I CAN,T STAND TO GO INTO A KAISER HOSPITAL ALL I CAN SEE IS MY POOR DAUGHTER AND WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH AND HOW HORRIBLE SHE DIED. I CAN,T ENDURE THE PAIN, I GET PANIC ATTACKS. NEVER GO TO A DR. OR A HOSPITAL ANY MORE. GLAD YOUR MOM FEELS BETTER. YOU SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE A FULL LIFE ESPECIALLY HAVING SUCH NICE BOYS AND FAMILY. GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF AND DON,T OVER DO IT. HUGS ZZZTOP
RememberKala
RememberKala

Please don\'t over do, you need lot\'s of rest. It\'s so wonderful that Ken was with you in such a way as you have no doubts. I know all they want is to make sure we know they\'re OK...Ken has let you know! My love to you and prayers for continued healing...physically and emotionally...Teri.
JFandMDmom
JFandMDmom

How thoughtful of your son to get you a special place set up so they can spend some time with you...but please don\'t do more than you feel like you can right now. I have no doubt that your family would love to have you there...but not if it means putting you in more pain..they wouldn\'t want that. Please take care of yourself. Love to you, Valerie
denicew
denicew

I\'m happy that you are handling this in this way.It will be so nice to see you at a place in your life when celebrating his life is easier for you (smiles)
deleted_user
deleted_user

So good to know you are taking care of yourself and that you feel your son\'s presence. That is so special in helping you on your journey. May your heart lighten!
Hugs, Pam
ihart
ihart

Sandi.
As a nurse I strongly recomend you take it easy for at least a month cause if you don\'t you will pay for it later. Hugs, Inga
deleted_user
deleted_user

be good to yourself....obey the drs....and keep a positive attitude...and I know Ken will be enveloping you with feel-good-peace always. God bless you and keep you comforted. love...dale, brandon\'s mom
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sandi Thanks for the prayers. Wishing you some peace. you should rest and recover before you start worring about being out and about. Put yourself first. Hugs cathy
deleted_user
deleted_user

Glad you are home. Take care of yourself. It\'s so hard when you are use to being the care giver. I know Ken was with you, in the hospital and with you now. And knows how much you love and miss him. Peace of somekind tomorrow. I know how hard it is, when certain days approach us. Blessings through yours...
biowoman
biowoman

Wow...you should rest...love and hugs...Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Take care of yourself/ Thank you for the kind wishes directed to us all. Sandi
deleted_user
deleted_user

It is so nice to read your e-mail and how precious you son is and was to you, and the closeness you felt while in the hospital, that is so special!. Do take care though and be careful not to overdo things, it\'s still early days and you have had major surgery.
Take care,
Joan.
deleted_user
deleted_user

It takes time to heal. I hope your pain lessens every day. I pray for our hearts to all be at peace too. Happy thoughts, Danette