Ken, AKA Doo-Doo Head, the Sequel
Hi everyone,
Thanks for letting me vent & all the support during my entry from last night. Just to give a bit of background. Ken is not Eddie's dad. Ken & I started dating when Ed was 19. Ken lost Ed too but its different. He didn't raise him and he didn't lose Ed in the same way. Ken has 3 children from his first marriage. They are all in their thirties and alive & well, thank God.
Some of my sisters of the heart suggested finding a more private space to grieve. I appreciate the suggestions but in my house its very hard. (and truth be told its my condo and he needs to deal on some level). I work full time and more so the only time I have to go on DS & FMO is in the evenings. Ken doesn't drive due to his seizure disorder so he is here ALL THE TIME. He is also retired and we live in my condo which is only about 1,000 square feet. I am usually on the computer in the great room and he is lurking (lol) nearby. As I have told him you dont need to fix this and you cannot fix this. My only child has died and I will long for him for the rest of my life. I do recognize that Ken tries in his own way. For example he insisted on going to grief counseling with me every week & waited in the waiting room for the year I was in therapy as he thought I would not be safe to drive if I was too upset. The down side is that he can be a real pill sometimes. For ex: "why do you go on DS if it upsets you?"I said, "I am not upset with DS or FMO. I am upset because my son died and I miss him." Doo-Doo head!
So this morning I was still angry and I told him we need to talk. I said, "This is how it is. I will grieve my son in my own home and sometimes that will involve tears. I will be on the computer when I need to be and I am sorry if my grief is inconvenient for you". You may go into the bedroom or go for a walk or go ----yourself (just kidding about that last part -didn't say go ----yourself) I said or get used to it or try & understand. You miss Ed but you do not know what its like to lose a child. if this won't work for you, then decide what you need to do because my life and if you stay with me, your life too is changed forever." So he proceeded to say he is hurt when he sees me hurting & that he is not going back to church, "it doesn't help". I said,"well that's your decision. it helps me." Then he said he is not leaving but that maybe he should go for counseling so he can learn how to cope with my sadness. I thought that may be a good idea. So we will see. Today was better.
My son was a very kind and sensitive young man. He was with several friends through their divorces and with 2 friends as their moms battled with and succumbed to cancer. He was very tolerant of tears. At Ed's wake so many people said, "Ed was my best friend. He was with me through-----." I am very proud of him.
Its great to come here and just let it out. It truly helps as well as all the support and kind responses. Thanks to all.
Have a gentle & peaceful evening.
Love to all. :)
Thanks for letting me vent & all the support during my entry from last night. Just to give a bit of background. Ken is not Eddie's dad. Ken & I started dating when Ed was 19. Ken lost Ed too but its different. He didn't raise him and he didn't lose Ed in the same way. Ken has 3 children from his first marriage. They are all in their thirties and alive & well, thank God.
Some of my sisters of the heart suggested finding a more private space to grieve. I appreciate the suggestions but in my house its very hard. (and truth be told its my condo and he needs to deal on some level). I work full time and more so the only time I have to go on DS & FMO is in the evenings. Ken doesn't drive due to his seizure disorder so he is here ALL THE TIME. He is also retired and we live in my condo which is only about 1,000 square feet. I am usually on the computer in the great room and he is lurking (lol) nearby. As I have told him you dont need to fix this and you cannot fix this. My only child has died and I will long for him for the rest of my life. I do recognize that Ken tries in his own way. For example he insisted on going to grief counseling with me every week & waited in the waiting room for the year I was in therapy as he thought I would not be safe to drive if I was too upset. The down side is that he can be a real pill sometimes. For ex: "why do you go on DS if it upsets you?"I said, "I am not upset with DS or FMO. I am upset because my son died and I miss him." Doo-Doo head!
So this morning I was still angry and I told him we need to talk. I said, "This is how it is. I will grieve my son in my own home and sometimes that will involve tears. I will be on the computer when I need to be and I am sorry if my grief is inconvenient for you". You may go into the bedroom or go for a walk or go ----yourself (just kidding about that last part -didn't say go ----yourself) I said or get used to it or try & understand. You miss Ed but you do not know what its like to lose a child. if this won't work for you, then decide what you need to do because my life and if you stay with me, your life too is changed forever." So he proceeded to say he is hurt when he sees me hurting & that he is not going back to church, "it doesn't help". I said,"well that's your decision. it helps me." Then he said he is not leaving but that maybe he should go for counseling so he can learn how to cope with my sadness. I thought that may be a good idea. So we will see. Today was better.
My son was a very kind and sensitive young man. He was with several friends through their divorces and with 2 friends as their moms battled with and succumbed to cancer. He was very tolerant of tears. At Ed's wake so many people said, "Ed was my best friend. He was with me through-----." I am very proud of him.
Its great to come here and just let it out. It truly helps as well as all the support and kind responses. Thanks to all.
Have a gentle & peaceful evening.
Love to all. :)
Replies
Kudos to you!! I hope your chat helps Ken,
(((hugs)))
This does help to understand Ken a bit more...but you are right...you are who you are...and your grief is a part of you...he needs to embrace it all...all of you...I know it is hard for him to see you hurting...but telling you to stop will not make you stop. I am sure you guys will figure it out...love and hugs...Karen
Hi Linda: I can relate to a lot of what you said. We live in a condo as well - it is hard to find a place to be alone. I hope Ken does go for counseling. I wish Joe would but he won\'t even think about it.
I too cry when I am on FMO. I think it is a good thing.
So we will grieve our loving, caring children in our own ways and that is that.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Yes, now I understand it a little better. We\'ve been married 48 years in Sept. and there are days I rush to gym just to get out from underfoot. My husband is home a great deal of the time, still doing real estate, but at 77, less of it. He\'s been gone a week now, helping our son to recuperate from surgery, and I am lonely here in the house. When we don\'t feel like seeing anyone, when we don\'t feel up to it, it\'s nice to know our mates are around, not doing anything, just nearby. Treasure your beau, they\'re hard to come by. Grief is hard on everyone. My 41 year old daughter has been at her brattiest, you\'d think she\'s still 15. Love to you, Linda, you\'ve been such a big help to me through these terrible two years. Love and much gratitude, Abby
I am glad you have come to somewhat of an understanding...that you sat down and discussed it and that Ken was willing to talk to you about it, too. I wrote a journal today about the movie, Rabbit Hole...it is all about how 2 grieving parents live under the same roof...each grieving in totally different ways. It was nice that Ken thought that he might try counseling...it might help him to know what you are dealing with as Ed\'s mother.
Ed was a sweetie...and raised by a super mom who instilled that sweetness and kindness. I know your heart swells with pride to hear such good things. I do the same. I hope your week goes better and that things will calm down as Ken learns to cope. I love you friend....you are a treasure...brandon bear hugs, dale...brandon\'s mom
Ken is taking a very positive step even suggesting that he goes to counseling to understand how he can cope with your grieving. This is something my husband would never do and I give Ken a lot of credit for it. My husband IS Jason\'s father and I still have the same problem at times. Our wedding anniversary is the 16th of July, Jason died the 17th of March. Last year on our anniversary I completely forgot about our wedding anniversary and when John mentioned the date all I could think of is that it had only been 4 months since Jason\'s death. This got John all upset because I couldn\'t pull myself away from grieving, and we wound up having a bad scene that still cuts me when I think about it. However I don\'t want to leave you with the impression that John is a completely unreasonable man, because there have also been many times when we cried in each others arms for our lost son. The basic problem here is that men are different from women in emotional reactions. I\'ve heard that the divorce rate after losing a child is very high. I can believe that\'s true and so sad because we need each others support.
Ed was so very loving and sensitive.
Love and hugs to you Linda. Terry
You are such an incredible communicator and are doing just that with your needs with Ken. That is all you can do along the way and for him too to express his feelings as he is. Counseling can be so helpful and I call it my \"tune up\" and hope that unfolds for Ken.
Now, just as long as there are no flies around that \"doo doo head\" all is looking up. :)
Loving care always dear Linda and I know that your Ed is a peach. He is your son.
XO Joanie
Linda, I think you did the best thing by talking to Ken about it and letting him know exactly how you feel. That fact that he suggested he might try counseling so he can get help understanding your grief, shows that he really is trying and making an effort to be more supportive. That is a great idea.
Seems like Ed was such a compassionate friend to so many others. You have a lot to be proud of with your son. And I think I know where he got that compassion from......his mom! Love & hugs, Kim
Linda, I think men grieve so differently than women. I find it amusing that you call Ken doo doo head because after Josh died, Dave went out into the yard and picked up dog feces (or doo doo, if you wish) at least every hour or two. I know I have four dogs with an average of 6-8 doo doos a day but I must say the yard was immaculate. At times, I still find him out there over doing doo doo duty.
I think it is good you drew boundaries for Ken and explained emotionally how you feel. Ken may be having difficulties with his illness right now. It is a loss of its own. I am sure he feels sadness losing some of his abilities and there are a lot of long lonely hours for him to fill.
Ken sounds like a wonderful man. I wish I had the chance to meet him and you.
With love,
Leda
Ken sounds like a wonderful man and as I said before men fix things and this cannot be fixed... I love you my sweet friend...
We need to cry and as I call it \"get down and wallow in my grief for a time\". It is an outlet for us that we cannot always control and is healing for us. Explaining to Ken why it will continue to happen and that it is just a fact of life now may be something that you have to tell him over and over. It sounds like you took the time to let him know that it is just something that you cannot control, cannot plan when it happens and actually needs to happen sometimes. It is nothing he does wrong, nothing he can fix, but something that he can learn to \"ride out\" with you. I truly believe that keeping the lines of communication open is the key. It is so frustrating to have to tell someone over and over again the same thing, but after all, he isn\'t a Mother who has lost the precious child that she carried, nurtured and raised and bottom line is...he\'s a man and therefore has the doo doo head gene built in...lol. Lots of love and hugs to you sweet friend...Lynn
Linda, it has to be hard for those around us to have to cope with what they cannot truly understand, and that is the \"new\" persons we are without our children. We know and understand things that they do not. And we would not wish them to. We can only hope that they respect the fact that we need our grieving time and hope they realize that they cannot help us. Just let us be and get through it however we can. And be there for us when we need them. Bless the people in our lives who can grasp this. Hugs to you, Belinda
So good to read about the genuine communication going on between you and Ken. I think he said it all when he said it hurts him to see you hurting ~ hence his feeling of helplessness at not being able to fix something that is permanently broken and his expression of frustration the other day when he said he couldn\'t put up with your sadness anymore.
He sounds like a compassionate, understanding man who loves and cares for you immensely. I think it\'s truly wonderful ~ and perhaps amazing ~ that he suggested getting counseling for himself to help him deal with your expressions of sadness and pain. That takes self-knowledge, a huge amount of moral courage and desire to do right by you.
Blessings and peace to you and Ken as you move forward together ~ with much love and hugs to Ed ~ Debbie
Counseling sounds like a good start. There is alot to learn about grief and how to deal with other people. Being in neutral territory may feel safe for him. I hope his eyes and heart will be open and his ears will hear and understand..
Hugs Penny